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i keep reaching out and being hurt again and again..........it is a pattern in my life. I was been from getting therapy or counselling by my parents as a child and teenager even though i have history of mental illness requiring intensive treatment. i sneaked behind their backs to get it. then...

Positive feelings can be hard. hard to deal with. Well done on your news

Shame is a huge trigger for me. SI less severe than it was but still a bit of an issue. no nightmares these days though

SheilaKathy as someone with a chronic illness I understand how frustrating it can be. I hope you find the answers you need

confused sad alone tired

Thanks Ronin. I hadn't thought sbout there being a difference between blame and responsibility. I didn';t know there was one?

Stills, I am the same. I hate the rage it has caused me to do some very bad things to the pople i love and myself. it scares me that i have the potential to become an abuser. my father was a very angry man and it affected me so badly. I would hate to do to anyone what he did to me. i don't have...

yes i have th etrust thing too. very very badly. i keep pushing my friends away from me. it hurts. the trust thing...and often worrying if my friends judge me etc or want to dump me but are too polite to say so

yup Ladee is correct on that one.

I know Memory 1/ paints me in a bad light but i was 5 years old and didnt mean it. i think i had my dad put some ointment on my eczema ( i did have it down there) and so assumed he was touching me. I know i would not have lied on purpose. i would have got confused. my dad says i did it to cause...

Stills, please talk to your therapist. I say that as someone who neeeds to call community MH team and won't take her own advice. Stills YOU are worth it

Thanks Ronin....deep down inside myself i know what i went through was real and lewgit but my head is trying to tell me it isn't. i was told constantly that my trauma wasn't real because all kids go through some sort of stuff

Ladee, yes, me too. rage seemed safer growing up. i didnt feel my house was safe. yet when my rage began to cauise me to hurt myself and others and cause me paranoia and psychosis needing treatment with nasty drugs i realised it had turned against me. i want to break the cycle

Stills, i wish i had some advice for you. I can only tell you I know where you are coming from and it sucks. I wish you hope and peace. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone???

Stills, I ended up in hospital due to the kind of thing yyou describe last week. had a PTSD/BPD episode at church. now i will be kickjed out. out ogf my only family

Stills, you have described the feelings and experiences I battle with daily. I find it so strange to think someone else feels like me. i thought it wa sjust me

i could have written the original post- i relate a lot to this. I don't have anywhere I can safely access the feelings though. i have tried to open up in therapy but can't. one person i could talk to now no longer believes i was abused after she met my father and thought he was too nice to have...

Been thinking a lot about some experiences i had which should not have been traumatising but felt like they were? i think they would be low on the barometer but still make me feel ugghhh

periodically something wil remind me of this and i feel a need lately to talk about this...The awful thing is, I have always felt a kind of envy regarding people who really have sexual abuse issues- I know that is a horrible thing to say- because I feel so much like I really was sexually abused...

These aren't false memories but something I always remembered. They are odd because neither of them are memories which would seem to most people particularly life scarring but for some reason they keep bothering me (not all th etime but intermittently). Memory 1/ i say memory, but I admit some...

Thanks Muttly. I like to think, yes, I have survived. l like to feel I have survived. and my being here still is a way to prove they haven't won

"it happened in a cycle, maybe once or twice a month." Same here. keep telling myself it wasn't traumatic because the verbal abuse didn't happen every day. I FELT traumatised though and have a lot of symptoms of CPTSD.If some people can be traumatised by abuse that wasn't daily that does...

I had a father like this too. He did occasionally get physically violent but those occasions were infrequent. He did often threaten us with violence though and even his raised voice would leave me shaking for days. Yet he wasn't a bad person. Although he did use to put us down aa lot and...

I have diagnosis of BPD and one therapist mentioned it can be a form of Complex PTSD- i gioogled CPTSD and realised I had nearly all symptoms. Trouble is, I have some symptoms which are so uniquely hallmarks of BPD (the identity stuff, certain ways i interact with people) so I can't discard the...

I wasn't really traumatised by the sexual abuse I suffered (multiple incidents from more than one person) but the verbal and emotional abuse from my father felt horrific because it was ongoing. yes, minor stuff compared to being beaten and raped nut it left me feeling powerless scared and...