Anxious And Needing To Access A Good Cry - But How?

[jared]

I was diagnosed with complex trauma/C-PTSD by my therapist after working with her for several months. I have suffered symptoms of depression, anxiety, mood swings, and emotional instability for many years prior to entering therapy, and this is the longest time I have been in therapy ever (over 1 year now).

Through all of this, I have found that while it has at times reduced my depressive episodes, I find myself emotionally flat or distant - it has not helped my lack of interest or motivation (I guess anhedonia?) and I still find emotions very abstract. I felt like I was making a lot of progress for a few months, but now I again feel disconnected and anxious and very unmotivated. This is compounded by the fact that my therapist is leaving due to having a baby, and I am getting a new therapist starting next week - so I am ambivalent about where my therapy is going and how it will continue to help me.

I feel like I have made some adjustments in thinking, but my life continues to feel stalled - and my anxiety has increased dramatically after the election results in the U.S. (which essentially triggered me by elevating an abuser who sounds like my father to the higher echelons of power).

The biggest problem presently is the feeling that there is something wrong with me - and that I feel sick and awful, but when I can get into therapy and process it I burst into tears and I feel better. I still cannot access this on my own and cry on my own without the help of a therapist, and now that I'm getting a new therapist I fear that I won't be able to access this for some time and my symptoms will persist and get worse without this ability to cry.

I'm afraid of being trapped in this demotivated spiral - currently and long term manifesting itself in relentless checking of news, and avoiding my emotions. I have to address my emotions in order to get a handle on my anxiety with is helping in causing my demotivation (which includes allowing myself to cry and express anger) but I can't tap into this even though I know it's there.

Does anyone have any insights in how to access crying? It was trained out of me as a child, so it's extremely hard without the direct support of another person to tell me it's ok - and I need to get to it on my own soon - I literally feel the compounded stress building up.

 

[saraemerald]

To be able to access your actual emotions about events in your life requires trust and for you to feel safe enough to feel the emotions. Journaling and reflection on what has happened to you might help. Another thing that might help is not judging yourself and feeling ashamed of actually being human and having emotions. Also, if you are having a difficult time and have a friend you trust, maybe you can ask them for some help and support.
I have found it extremely difficult to feel my emotions but recently, my therapist whom I trust a lot, has been doing EDMR with me and now I am able recognise that I have some pretty strong emotions about things I didn't feel before.

 

[Friday]

Have your therapist write you a permission slip?

It would be an interim step from needing someone's permission right there in front of you, to having their written permission in your hands when home alone, to giving yourself permission.

 

[Jim Me]

I get the same way. I had some very rich, soothing cries for a while there, and a lot of joy and connection to others and empathy toward myself and others. Now lots of flashbaks in the form of vague numbness. I think what helps me get closer to crying is having some person or animal or pillow to hug. Counting out-breaths from 100 backwards to 1. But I guess I don't know anything that works every time. I hope you have some relief soon.

 

[purpleswirled]

i could have written the original post- i relate a lot to this. I don't have anywhere I can safely access the feelings though. i have tried to open up in therapy but can't. one person i could talk to now no longer believes i was abused after she met my father and thought he was too nice to have done that

i wish i had someone who could give me permission that it is ok to feel my feelings.....i vcan't yet give it to myself. i get close and then my brain tells me to stop being so stupid or self indulgent

 

[Ronin]

It's okay to feel your feelings, @purpleswirled

Okay, no idea if that 'someone' has further requirements on how in person they should be or the form of that permission, but in case a one liner would do, here's that permission.

 

[purpleswirled]

Thanks Ronin....deep down inside myself i know what i went through was real and lewgit but my head is trying to tell me it isn't. i was told constantly that my trauma wasn't real because all kids go through some sort of stuff

 

[Ronin]

because all kids go through some sort of stuff

That's true, but how it effects said kids differs wildly & just because something is common doesn't mean it's not horrific.

In every case, real.

 

[purpleswirled]

The memories are coming up Ronin....i can't deal with them alone......feeling abandoned agaoin...all my life oeople have abandoned me and told me to just go away.....only came out of hospital last week and feel very vulnerable and alone already.....

 

[purpleswirled]

i wrote a post in childhood called Keep Feeling the Urge to Talk About Two Weird Memories....lots of views but no response...i just feel people find my meories to disgusting to want to help.....it has been the same in RL. all they can do is give me pills and stitch my wrists up but i need more than just that today

 

[Ronin]

.i just feel people find my meories to disgusting to want to help

No, not really.

Just keep in mind people are the same overwhelmed, dealing with their own stuff, and for many of us? It's not exactly in the past. It's not decades ago. It's not months ago. It's days, hours, minutes ago - very fresh, very pressing. That does not mean people don't care. That means people have their, already difficult, lives, to take care of first. Self care is a priority, in all sorts of situations.

 

[Ronin]

all they can do is give me pills and stitch my wrists up but i need more than just that today

Please look into therapeutic services in your IRL location, then.

They're better equipped to handle your needs. :) We are not trained professionals and those of us who might be, are still not equipped to handle acute personal issues in real time on distance. It just isn't possible.