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I am so on edge this morning. There is a darkness at the edge of my vision, I know that flashback is there again. Everything is too close, too loud. The bird aviaries are really freaking me out, I can't even look at them. The door to the dog kitchen shut behind me while I was readying the...

Rubbish nights sleep, my brain was in overdrive. I ended up staying up and solving my 5x5 Rubik's cube. That allowed me to sleep after but I kept waking up. I ended up in the living room on the sofa, it helped me to sleep but it hasn't done my back any good after injuring it yesterday. On alert...

@shimmerz I think the flashback was started by feeling trapped, my feet got tangled in my blanket when I went to get up and I panicked then everything went to flashback. I hate feeling restrained or trapped. The memory it triggered is one where I wasn't allowed to speak for a long time, it...

@Wolvescry In some way I am glad you can relate but in others I wish we didn't have to hide. Still it is a good analogy to use on bad days. All I need to do now is say I am a duck to my friend and she will get it!

I had a different flashback today, one where I was punished for speaking and told to shut up repeatedly. My friend came to help me while I was in the flashback, she brought me back but even afterwards I couldn't speak. The noises around me were too loud and I couldn't speak, every time I tried...

@Hope4Now I put it as my picture on a social network and got a surprising amount of responses, I think a lot of people feel this way. I am glad you are getting supporters, I have a couple of really good ones but one in particular you just seems to be getting it at the moment.

He's angry, so angry. I don't know what I have done but he is mad. I try to run but he grabs me, I fight and struggle but he is too strong. He shoves me in to the cupboard under the stairs, I hate it in here, dark, trapped. I claw at the door trying to get out but he has locked it. He tells me...

Another flashback, different to the ones before. It is of L, he wasn't always violent when he took me only if it was in anger and even then it was nothing in comparison to what happened to me at my old work. A lot of the time he was caring about it, not enough to listen when I said no or notice...

Ok not sure if this belongs here or not but I saw it this morning and it made me smile...

Woke up early this morning but I did go to bed early last night so I'm not surprised. I'm half here today. I keep running away in my head. Autopilot keeps taking over. No flashbacks just not here, time lost. I am still relieved to have my appointment booked but now the nervousness is setting...

I received a phone call today from the trauma service. My friend had called and told them she was worried about me and she wanted to know how much longer I had to wait for help. It has spurred them in to gear and I now have my first appointment on the 25th June. It is with the doctor that...

I feel like I should provide some more information about the 'he' I keep referring to. I will refer to him as L here, I do not like using his full name. I started dating him a few months after the death of my brother, he was the first person who really seemed to treat me like me, not like the...

Something someone said last night sparked this - My parents once pointed out to me that I had started to slouch and I should try to stand more upright. I had been with him 6 months or so by this point. One of the reasons I slouched was because of the pain. He mostly hurt me in my ribs and...

Fell over a fence this morning. Only I could fall over a fence. I have been running on adrenaline since. I haven't hurt myself too much but my wrist is really starting to throb and hurt especially when I move it and my right knee is quite painful. I'm reasonably sure I haven't done anything too...

Not a great end to the night list night. I got triggered by the TV program I was watching and really struggled. My friend helped but the flashback still came. It was one of my usual ones but this time about number 1. I'm not ready to write about number 1. I woke up on the sofa around midnight...

Self harm, it is not something I have really talked about but it is something I have done. I resorted to it at the beginning of all of this purely by accident, one day I punched a wall at the beginning of a flashback. I lashed out within the flashback and happened to hit an object. The pain...

Afternoon was busy as well, busy enough to keep me occupied. A humorous conversation with a friend still has me smiling now. Well in some ways it's humorous and in others it is something I needed to know. It would seem I make noises when I have flashbacks, I knew I called out but apparently the...

Been too busy this morning to over think too many things. Between rushing a cockatiel to the vets to be put to sleep and phone calls I haven't really had a chance to dwell on things. I'm at my best when I am busy, almost like the old me. I've stopped for lunch now but I still have a list of...

I have been trying to piece together Saturdays flashback. Last nights new information has helped. I remember I was in trouble. I'd made him angry again, I think for the second time that day. He'd told me to shut up and sit in the corner. I think I'd flinched at him when he'd gone to touch...

I am not sure how I am this morning. Last night I talked about other things. On Saturday my flashbacks took a turn in a different direction, remembering a different set of events. If it hadn't been for my friend hearing me call out a name I probably wouldn't have worked it out for a long time...

I have calmed down a bit over lunch. Took a dog offsite for a walk this morning and if he had been fitter I would have happily walked forever. It is the noise that is getting to me today. Everything is so loud. There have been moments of quiet but then someone talks or a door slams. I could cope...

Still on edge from last night. I ended up getting up and locking the doors but it didn't help. It took me a long time to get to sleep. This morning I am jumping at every noise they make. I thought I was passed this, I was starting to feel safe at home but there is just something in the way he...

Trying to go to sleep but all I can hear is angry male voice next door. So triggered. Heart feels like it's going to burst. Chest is tight. Breathing bad. Someone is holding me. Pressure. Someone on my chest. So scared.

Went for a walk this afternoon with friends. I only took two of the dogs so I could relax a bit, it was a good walk with good company. I am home now though and on my own again. My mind keeps wandering, the dogs bring me back sometimes by jumping on me but it is only a matter of time before I...

Home now, popped down to work to get more seed for the cockatiel I am caring for. It's Barnsale day so there were a lot of people around but I coped, it helped that my friend walked with me. I wore my mask, confident, unafraid so no one would know how difficult everything is at the moment. I'm...