Beginning The Fight Against Broken Brain.

[Wyakin]

You will do great @Notsowild, though I really wish that those who have treated you badly were not still there. I am fortunate to work in a kind and caring team, yes I have my problems with some of the upper management but those I see and work with everyday are very supportive. Without the understanding of those around me I wouldn't still be working.

Holding stuff in is isolating, there is so much I haven't shared. I do my best to let people in a little bit, enough to feel like they can start to get it but I am always careful to not share too much.

:hug: To you to.

 

[Aching65]

Until recently that was all foreign to me. I thought I understood S, who was diagnosed with post child abuse PTSD 3 months ago. I thought I was supportive, but I kept making mistakes. Spoke to her friends, spoke to a psychiatrist without her consent etc...

I just joined the site and I think I see why it is so easy for us, the spoiled ones, to "misbehave". I really thought I was trying hard to help as go trough her pain, but I now realize how horrible the situation is, and more specially how misunderstood it is... You need to think in another dimension to be able to get a small idea of what is really going on.... I think it might be too late for me, I think I might have lost S....

There are people around there who are doing all they can to be supportive.....

 

[Wyakin]

No sleep. All I feel are his hands around my throat. Number twos hands holding my wrists. Him inside me. Crushing me, ripping me. Pain, fear. I've got to get away from here.

 

[Wyakin]

Sitting in my Dad's house pretending everything is fine. He knows now some of what happened and what is going on but we are avoiding the topic. I had a bad morning of flashbacks my friend helping me finally ground myself enough to sleep, I was exhausted. I still am now but I am at least present enough to keep up the pretence of being ok.

Sometimes I crave being alone so that when the flashbacks come there is no one to see and no one to hurt but sometimes what I really need is someone around to give me a reason to come back. Even knowing my friend was there I struggled to stay present but through the following flashbacks from her arrival I remember the feeling of her hands and the safety they gave me.

There are times though when I must be alone, that is now my life works, most evenings alone. I'm sure it will all get better though, one day. A

 

[Wyakin]

If I am being honest the thoughts of self harm have run rampant today. I knew I was going in to a big flashback this morning and for a moment I debated hurting myself in order to ground knowing that nothing else I could do would help but I stopped myself and took a step back. The last few weeks have made me realise how much hurting myself hurts others and it is this that stops me doing it, I am ashamed of ever resorting to it in the first place but I was desperate to stop reliving the past.

I am trying to comes to terms with the fact that reliving what happened is inevitable as part of what is going on with me. I live in hope though that one day it will stop and I will have a flashback free day, then a flashback free week until I get to flashback free years. I am trying to stay hopeful, trying to stay brave, sometimes I struggle but I have people who buoy me up.

 

[Wyakin]

Awake early, I can't sleep. I don't have much to say but it is habit to come on here and post first thing so that is what I am doing.

I still feel a hand on my wrist but the pressure is so constant now that unless it gets worse I tend not to really notice it. My anxiety is up and not being helped by the dimwit collie barking at every noise around the house. I'm starting to loathe too much noise, anything loud or where there is lots going on at once just panics me. I sometimes use music to keep me focused but it has to be set at a level where I can still easily hear what is going on around me. It is a safety thing I guess.

Right I'm going to see if I can get another hours sleep before the rest of the house wakes up.

 

[Wyakin]

Home now, popped down to work to get more seed for the cockatiel I am caring for. It's Barnsale day so there were a lot of people around but I coped, it helped that my friend walked with me. I wore my mask, confident, unafraid so no one would know how difficult everything is at the moment.

I'm going to have a nap now. I'm still trying to piece together yesterday's flashback, it was one I haven't had before and it was very fragmented. I need to stop trying to analyse everything otherwise I will just drive myself mad.

 

[Wyakin]

Went for a walk this afternoon with friends. I only took two of the dogs so I could relax a bit, it was a good walk with good company.

I am home now though and on my own again. My mind keeps wandering, the dogs bring me back sometimes by jumping on me but it is only a matter of time before I go too far inside my own mind. I am trying to ground but it is just so tiring.

 

[Wyakin]

Trying to go to sleep but all I can hear is angry male voice next door. So triggered. Heart feels like it's going to burst. Chest is tight. Breathing bad. Someone is holding me. Pressure. Someone on my chest. So scared.

 

[Wyakin]

Still on edge from last night. I ended up getting up and locking the doors but it didn't help. It took me a long time to get to sleep.

This morning I am jumping at every noise they make. I thought I was passed this, I was starting to feel safe at home but there is just something in the way he hisses under his breath at his dog that sparks something.

Maybe work will calm me down. Looks like a sunny day today. Can't remember which section I am on, I should probably check.

Old dog has finally stirred. He didn't join us on the early morning walk he wanted to sleep instead. I best get dressed really I need to be at work in half an hour.

Today's aim: Carry on trying to figure out Saturdays flashback.

 

[Wyakin]

I have calmed down a bit over lunch. Took a dog offsite for a walk this morning and if he had been fitter I would have happily walked forever. It is the noise that is getting to me today. Everything is so loud. There have been moments of quiet but then someone talks or a door slams. I could cope if I was somewhere busy because I'd be expecting it and the noise would be constant but here I just start to slip in to a more relaxed mode and then something goes off again.

 

[Wyakin]

I am not sure how I am this morning. Last night I talked about other things. On Saturday my flashbacks took a turn in a different direction, remembering a different set of events. If it hadn't been for my friend hearing me call out a name I probably wouldn't have worked it out for a long time yet.

Normally when I open up I feel raw and sensitive but not today, I don't really feel anything. I spoke so calmly about it, it was like I wasn't saying it. It did trigger flashbacks but I don't remember what happened in them, not like my previous flashbacks where everything comes back in great detail.

I did learn to switch off and let what happened, happen. My friends were at risk and I couldn't allow something to happen to another person in my life so soon after losing my brother. So I accepted whatever he did to me, sometimes when the pain got too much I would beg for him to stop but that generally only made him worse.

If I look back at my life from 14 years old to 18 years old I would have to agree with my friend that if anyone saw it listed out no one would believe me. I think though for those 4 years I was an easy target, the loss of my brother made me weak and I was unlucky enough to bump in to someone who took advantage of that. What happened when I was at work could be a mixture of things, I was in the wrong place at the wrong time or maybe they saw something in me that made it obvious to some part of them that I wouldn't fight too much. I did fight them though, a lot more than I ever fought the other one but just as before I eventually gave up.

I don't know, I really don't know how I feel this morning. I do wish I hadn't said anything, I too would find it hard to believe so much could happen to one person, I find it hard to believe myself sometimes especially as some of the memories from what he did to me are hazy. I remember the early stuff but not much of the later stuff, I think I had just got too used to it by that point.

He still contacts me from time to time which brings stuff back but in between I try not to even think about it, maybe it is better that way.

I wish I could just go to sleep and when I wake up it has all gone away.