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Awake early, I can't sleep. I don't have much to say but it is habit to come on here and post first thing so that is what I am doing. I still feel a hand on my wrist but the pressure is so constant now that unless it gets worse I tend not to really notice it. My anxiety is up and not being...

If I am being honest the thoughts of self harm have run rampant today. I knew I was going in to a big flashback this morning and for a moment I debated hurting myself in order to ground knowing that nothing else I could do would help but I stopped myself and took a step back. The last few weeks...

Sitting in my Dad's house pretending everything is fine. He knows now some of what happened and what is going on but we are avoiding the topic. I had a bad morning of flashbacks my friend helping me finally ground myself enough to sleep, I was exhausted. I still am now but I am at least present...

No sleep. All I feel are his hands around my throat. Number twos hands holding my wrists. Him inside me. Crushing me, ripping me. Pain, fear. I've got to get away from here.

You will do great @Notsowild, though I really wish that those who have treated you badly were not still there. I am fortunate to work in a kind and caring team, yes I have my problems with some of the upper management but those I see and work with everyday are very supportive. Without the...

Loneliness. I know it is a common symptom of PTSD that people isolate themselves. I have fought not to do that, I have tried to be honest and keep sharing where possible and within reason rather than pushing people away. Even knowing I have been trying not to do it I can see times when I have...

Keep being really defensive with people, even those I trust. Not sure why. I am really on alert and even if I want help all I find myself saying is 'I'm fine, I'll be ok.' Not good.

Made it through the homecheck for one of the dogs this morning. Had a few moments of panic and I really struggle if more than one person is speaking but I coped. My wrist is bothering me again though. I keep tightening one of the bracelets that's on there but it doesn't bring me the same relief...

Not a good start today. Didn't sleep well at all. Had one flashback already triggered by one of the dogs laying over my mouth and nose. I wasn't gone long but long enough to have used up what little energy I have left. Off to work soon. Busy day ahead. Friend and manager in though so should be...

My mask, the thing that makes me suitable to the outside world. Smiling on the outside, barbed on the inside. It sits upon my face, every time I move it hurts me a little more, every smile lets the barbs cut deeper. I use it to hide my fear and shame. Every morning I wake up, take a deep breath...

Long day, only one more to go before the weekend. Tiredness is making everything worse. Autopilot has been in charge a lot today because my brain just doesn't want to work. Tasks that would normally take me moments take forever. Even writing this is taking a lot. I am just so tired. Struggling...

Fed up. Autopilot keeps taking control and I am too tired to stop it. I keep digging my nails in to my palms or my arms just to feel something. Every thing is so distant.

Fuzzy - I used this last night to describe how I was feeling after a flashback to my friend. Today I definitely feel fuzzy. Everything seems to take forever to get through. My arms feel like lead weights and my body just isn't doing what it's told. It seems to take a long time from me thinking...

Had a few moments this afternoon that culminated in me going home from work early. I had enough time to make sure my work was covered and managed to tell my manager I was going home but I really started to lose it then. She offered to walk me home which I accepted. By the time we got to the...

Not doing too badly. Keep getting waves of fear that's pushing me close to tears. My hands keep shaking to. I am holding it together but some part of me just wants to sit down and cry. I have at least got some relief from my wrist by wearing more bracelets. I look a bit hippy like but I don't...

Burning, burning shame. Last night I let my mask slip in front of someone. My friend came round and I held on to a point at the beginning but a rubbish night followed by a difficult day left me too tired and weak to keep fighting. Flashback after flashback, bouncing from one to the other. The...

Still struggling, I'm trying to keep my mask on for those around me but it is so hard. My head Is pounding and I have brought up my lunch. I am so exhausted. It seems every time I start making progress it finds a way of dragging me back down. I want to cry, I feel so crap. I hate feeling like this.

Waves of sickness keep hitting me. I keep feeling like there is something in my mouth choking me. It has to be the worst of the sensations I get except the pain. It is so frustrating trying to be positive only to be knocked back like this. Just want to give up.

@kmatel710 The course is one on one and discusses PTSD and coping strategies, I think it is designed to get me to a point where I can process the trauma safely and continue living my life day to day in between. Am post - Had a rubbish nights sleep, several nightmares but my old dog was there...

I have to attend a course first. Sadly I don't get to choose therapists because it is via the NHS but I am hoping I get someone I connect with.

I understand getting hugs from a safe person, there really are very few people I let in my personal bubble. Problem is I often cry when those I trust hug me or at least have to fend tears off which generally stops them doing it again even though they were tears of relief not fear or distress...

@kmatel710 What a sweet dog. A very lucky boy indeed to survive such a huge overdose. You are never alone here, there are so many that can help and support you. I know how you feel about hugs, I am not someone who normally likes being hugged but sometimes I almost crave them, the feeling of...

@jesse What a terrible time for you. I wish I could help more but all I can send you are my thoughts and support through this time. You are not alone and if you need to talk we are all here. P.S love your dog!

Unless I am transferring my feelings on to everyone I would say it was hypervigilance. I am naturally cautious of everyone (worse with men) and even worse in one on one situations with new people. I do not think that is transference just me being hypervigilant.

The afternoon went well. I have had pressure in my wrist but I am still flying high from fending off that flashback this morning, a real moment of success for me. I put a lot of it down to my new friend Bunny. He has so many different touch sensations he is perfect to help me ground and because...