Beginning The Fight Against Broken Brain.

[kmatel710]

Hi again,

I'm glad you have the bunny. it's not sad! All that matters is that it works for you! It would be nice to have a real time conversation if you're interested. We can do that here right?
-km:unsure:

 

[Wyakin]

@kmatel710 What a sweet dog. A very lucky boy indeed to survive such a huge overdose.

You are never alone here, there are so many that can help and support you. I know how you feel about hugs, I am not someone who normally likes being hugged but sometimes I almost crave them, the feeling of safety they bring can be hugely helpful and grounding.

I have had a lot of trouble finding grounding techniques that work for me, it isn't until my friend gave me bunny (who for some reason I think of as being called Fievel) that I have started to get somewhere. The thing is some things work for some but not for others, it definitely makes a difference to me to have something I have a human connection to.

Would it be possible for you to get another intensive week of therapy, personally at this point in time I couldn't imagine an intensive week I think I would end up a gibbering wreck.

We can talk really time here, either in chat or via the private conversations. Thank you for your offer of help, I am bumbling along at the moment but I find so much support from hearing from others. Remember, PTSD can and does go in to remission, don't give up!

 

[kmatel710]

Thanks akin! It depends on the person for hugs. I don't feel safe with hugs from family members. I crave hugs now but they have to be from the right person, a safe person. They can be so comforting and grounding. I do have a couple friends where hugs are ok but not frequent. My T and I hug at the end of our session. My "child" parts are pretty attached to her and she knows this.

I think I need another week of ITT but I'm worried that once we get to the really bad stuff and process it that I won't feel better. I know that it's a process and I won't be fixed in 1-2 weeks but I'm worried that I won't experience any healing. I would be so disappointed and feel really hopeless. I am bumbling along too, have been. Feel really scared and sad that I will never feel better.

Thanks for your encouragement...hang in there!!!

 

[Wyakin]

I understand getting hugs from a safe person, there really are very few people I let in my personal bubble. Problem is I often cry when those I trust hug me or at least have to fend tears off which generally stops them doing it again even though they were tears of relief not fear or distress.

I would be worried about intensive therapy from a point of view that you will cover a lot and then be out on your own but it sounds like you have a good relationship with your T so perhaps it could work for you. I haven't even started therapy yet but I try to be confident that all of us can be healed. I am one of life's optimists!

 

[kmatel710]

I hope you can start therapy soon. I believe that can really help the healing. I was 5yrs old when first abused. I had buried things so long that I can't get thru to me. I believe starting soon after trauma event is important. Hope you do soon and find someone who is good for you. Interview some different therapists.

 

[Wyakin]

I have to attend a course first. Sadly I don't get to choose therapists because it is via the NHS but I am hoping I get someone I connect with.

 

[kmatel710]

I'm so sorry that you can't pick someone you want and w/o having to go thru some course. I wish I could help you with that!!! What is the course?

 

[Wyakin]

@kmatel710 The course is one on one and discusses PTSD and coping strategies, I think it is designed to get me to a point where I can process the trauma safely and continue living my life day to day in between.


Am post -

Had a rubbish nights sleep, several nightmares but my old dog was there with me for cuddles afterwards. I'm determined not to let a bad nights sleep slow me down though. I had a good day yesterday and succeeded at something I never have before.

I do keep getting images of when they were beating me flash through my head this morning. It's not like a flashback as I am aware it is not happening now but it still brings a feeling of fear and panic as well as a desire to raise my arms, protect my head and beg for it to stop.

I am working with a staff member today who has a lot going on herself. Her father is dying and she is spending a lot of time in the hospital with him. She looked exhausted yesterday. I will try to make her day as easy as possible today but she is one of these people who will throw herself in to her work. She has two days off after though and I think she really needs it.

My anxiety is slightly up today but not too high. My wrist isn't bothering me too much but I a quite jumpy, I'll need to get that under control before going in to work.

Today's aim: Continue my list of stressors.

 

[Wyakin]

Waves of sickness keep hitting me. I keep feeling like there is something in my mouth choking me. It has to be the worst of the sensations I get except the pain.

It is so frustrating trying to be positive only to be knocked back like this. Just want to give up.

 

[Wyakin]

Still struggling, I'm trying to keep my mask on for those around me but it is so hard. My head Is pounding and I have brought up my lunch. I am so exhausted. It seems every time I start making progress it finds a way of dragging me back down. I want to cry, I feel so crap. I hate feeling like this.

 

[kmatel710]

Thinking of you...do you have your bunny?

 

[kmatel710]

Hi Wyakin. I'm thinking of you and hope you are feeling better. :)