Beginning The Fight Against Broken Brain.

[Wyakin]

Burning, burning shame. Last night I let my mask slip in front of someone. My friend came round and I held on to a point at the beginning but a rubbish night followed by a difficult day left me too tired and weak to keep fighting. Flashback after flashback, bouncing from one to the other.

The guilt and sadness I feel at inflicting that part of me upon my friend is too huge to describe and yet I know what she'd say, "Don't feel guilty, it's not your fault and don't you dare say sorry!" and even though I know she is right I can't shake this feeling.

What makes it worse is how much I appreciated having her there, coming round from them to see a friendly face, a safe person holding my hands and giving me a hug. It made it all so much easier but I feel so selfish because I know how much it upsets her to see me like that.

I am banned from saying sorry, apparently I over use it but no one can stop me saying thank you. I have never had that little control in front of someone before, so since I can't apologise for doing it I can at least thank her for her help.

If it were me on the outside looking in, I am not sure I could step up and watch my friend struggling like that time and again. I am very lucky to have the support I do and even though I feel shame I know I will continue to accept it because without it I would not have made it this far. I hope one day the shame will disappear because I know I shouldn't feel it, it doesn't belong here.

My brain is all over the place this morning. I am working with the field animals today and my manager is in, that's a good thing. It does mean I have to face the aviaries and rabbit stables and since there is only four in I cannot avoid them but I will just suck it up and push through.

I am hoping for a better day once I can gather my thoughts and my mask, can't forget that it's very important to my survival at the moment.

Today's aim: book myself a doctors appointment.

 

[Wyakin]

Not doing too badly. Keep getting waves of fear that's pushing me close to tears. My hands keep shaking to. I am holding it together but some part of me just wants to sit down and cry.

I have at least got some relief from my wrist by wearing more bracelets. I look a bit hippy like but I don't care for some relief.

Tired and exhausted. I ache from head to toe.

 

[Wyakin]

Had a few moments this afternoon that culminated in me going home from work early. I had enough time to make sure my work was covered and managed to tell my manager I was going home but I really started to lose it then. She offered to walk me home which I accepted. By the time we got to the field my vision was gone and I could already hear the wrong things. I tried my best to keep grounding.

I made it to the house and my manager left me before I went in through the door so she didn't get jumped all over by my dogs. I opened the door and that's it. Shortly after I came back to myself on the kitchen floor.

My friend came over a little while later and I drifted from present to elsewhere for the next hour or so before I finally grounded properly. I have had a good evening after that with my friend though.

The flashback that is most common at the moment links to number 3. Number 3 and his hands round my throat, number 3 and his weight on top of me, number 3 beating me, touching me, taking delight in breaking me. I can hear him, feel him, see him but the worst has to be tasting him. It makes me feel almost constantly sick and I am finding it hard to keep food down. He hurt me until I stopped caring and then he hurt me even more. The other two were horrible but number 3 was only there for the power he had over me and he made full use of it.

 

[Wyakin]

Fuzzy - I used this last night to describe how I was feeling after a flashback to my friend. Today I definitely feel fuzzy.

Everything seems to take forever to get through. My arms feel like lead weights and my body just isn't doing what it's told.

It seems to take a long time from me thinking something to me saying something. I keep forgetting to move my eyes, choosing to stare in to space instead but even that seems fuzzy.

I'm not sure if it is a mix if tiredness and a bad week of flashbacks or what but it seems like today my mind is driving from the backseat. I better hope nothing exciting happens at work since neither my friend nor my manager are in today but then something happening might clear fuzzy from my brain.

Part of me is desperate for the weekend just so I can sleep in but another part of me dreads it because I will be alone with no real distractions.

Today's aim: too hard to think of one now will come back to this later.

 

[Wyakin]

Fed up. Autopilot keeps taking control and I am too tired to stop it. I keep digging my nails in to my palms or my arms just to feel something. Every thing is so distant.

 

[Wyakin]

Long day, only one more to go before the weekend. Tiredness is making everything worse. Autopilot has been in charge a lot today because my brain just doesn't want to work. Tasks that would normally take me moments take forever. Even writing this is taking a lot. I am just so tired. Struggling to keep going but no way to make it stop.

 

[Wyakin]

My mask, the thing that makes me suitable to the outside world. Smiling on the outside, barbed on the inside. It sits upon my face, every time I move it hurts me a little more, every smile lets the barbs cut deeper.

I use it to hide my fear and shame. Every morning I wake up, take a deep breath and before stepping out the door place my mask upon my face. Sometimes it goes crooked allowing some of the horrors beneath to leak out but as soon as I can I right it again hoping no one saw too much.

When I am alone I remove it, in some ways it is a relief but it allows the wounds to flow unchecked. Allowed to go uncontrolled they drown me with memories.

My mask was fashioned by those above me, they set their opinions and ideas of just how I should look and act. I do my best to follow their rules, terrified to step out of line so they do not feel it necessary to push my mask on harder. Sometimes they tweak it and for a day or two the fresh barbs create new pain until I become conditioned to it. Another boundary to learn and suffer from until I become numb to it.

Every now and then they push me a little harder and my mask becomes more painful to wear. They set hoops for me to jump through while wearing it, watching closely for any mistakes that they can punish me for.

All the while I smile and joke, my mask hiding the pain beneath, one day it will cut deep enough it cannot be removed and I will forever be a false me but that is fine as long as I am acceptable to those around me?

 

[Wyakin]

Not a good start today. Didn't sleep well at all. Had one flashback already triggered by one of the dogs laying over my mouth and nose. I wasn't gone long but long enough to have used up what little energy I have left.

Off to work soon. Busy day ahead. Friend and manager in though so should be easier than yesterday.

 

[Wyakin]

Made it through the homecheck for one of the dogs this morning. Had a few moments of panic and I really struggle if more than one person is speaking but I coped.

My wrist is bothering me again though. I keep tightening one of the bracelets that's on there but it doesn't bring me the same relief as it was doing. I keep finding my hand shaking, I tend to only notice when it starts tapping something against the desk, even using a computer mouse is difficult when it's like that. My arm aches from the tension in it. I had stopped wearing the hairband because it was tight enough to hurt my wrist and I didn't like using it but if this doesn't let up soon I might put it on.

That need to cry is still just there below the surface and my anxiety is sky high today but I am hiding it well I think. Autopilot is lurking though. Just keep smiling, only four hours left.

 

[Wyakin]

Keep being really defensive with people, even those I trust. Not sure why. I am really on alert and even if I want help all I find myself saying is 'I'm fine, I'll be ok.' Not good.

 

[Wyakin]

Loneliness.

I know it is a common symptom of PTSD that people isolate themselves. I have fought not to do that, I have tried to be honest and keep sharing where possible and within reason rather than pushing people away.

Even knowing I have been trying not to do it I can see times when I have pushed at people, tried desperately to get them to leave me to my misery. Some have stayed away, not their fault, only mine. Some have stayed though. I am very fortunate to have those who have gone the extra mile for me, taken time to understand me rather than deciding I am too hard to deal with or I have too much going on for them to handle.

I try not to put my burden on others but I realise every time I utter the words 'I have PTSD, I was raped' that I share that burden whether they can cope with it or not. I do not talk about details but in some ways all that does is leave them wondering. Even just saying 'I've just got a lot going on at the moment' makes people wonder, after all what could be happening that renders me so tired and snappy?

I cannot explain how my flashbacks work, how my body memories hurt, how my emotional numbing leaves me empty. I cannot describe the feeling in my chest when my anxiety rises or that moment my vision clouds as I slip back in to the past. I cannot list the numerous things that push me in my day to day life, the little things that cause intrusive memories or trigger me. To do all of that would be sharing too much and unfair to the person on the receiving end.

I am tormented by my past but I do not wish to put that on others. If I could up and disappear without hurting anyone I would but I know that any disappearing act I carry out will upset some people. I know this because everyday I am reminded that there are people out there watching for me and caring for me. As much as I crave isolation the comfort I get from knowing there are people out there who actually give a damn about me is more than I can describe.

 

[Notsowild]

I understand about not being a burden to others. I feel I push my family further away when I talk about my PTSD. I do the " Oh I'm fine" even though I'm dying inside. It's hard, I know they love me but when they haven't had PTSD they really don't understand. I try not to say to much to anyone. That in itself is quite isolating. I commend you on working while you going through this. I guess I will find out soon how PTSD and working will be like.
:hug: to you