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Welcome, although I wish you weren't looking for a place like this to share and get support. I have some pretty gnarly anxiety myself but only recently starting taking meds (Gabapentin) for it. Most therapists I've seen in the past have tried to get me to meditate but I can't just sit with my...

@Weezley , the game I played when I was down and out was Undertale. It really spoke to me. Lately I've been playing Don't Starve Together with friends. I also play Final Fantasy XIV on PC. That one really helps me when I'm feeling aimless because there are so many different things I can work...

@RussellSue , thanks. I'm looking for a commitment so I'm really happy that I "knew a guy".

@Invisible Fire , I was a music major in college and took 2 years of guitar classes. I've never had one-on-one lessons before. I think my friend is excited to have my as a student because I can read music already. I also really like this guy and haven't had a good excuse to hang out with him...

I decided today to start playing guitar again. To keep me honest about it, I contacted an old friend who teaches guitar over Zoom. I start my lessons in one week!

Lots and lots of thoughts this morning. Not a lot of sleep the last two nights. Writing helps me work out thoughts so maybe this will help. Thursday's therapy appointment- I brought up some of my deepest concerns. This was a hard thing to do. My T had great responses and developed a good...

Saw my psychiatrist today. No new meds, wants me to continue with therapy, will see me again in February. I was a bit nervous about being put on Abilify (the original plan). She chalks up my inordinate amount of stress to an insane work load with school and trying to learn to deal with all of...

Last night my mom called me. I managed to get off the phone with her in under twenty minutes. Usually she keeps me on the phone for hours. I think the record is around 8 hours actually. Usually it's more like 2 to 3 hours. During summer vacation she expects 2 to 3 hour phone calls every few...

@ladee , I almost didn't even give myself the chance to do this. My heart was pounding before the session and my anxiety hit the roof when he appeared on screen. I quickly froze and couldn't speak. He had suggested trying to do the EMDR today because even through the screen he could see how...

Therapy went really well today. My T wants to start doing EMDR sooner than I originally had planned but the plan with this has changed as well. Because I have been having so much anxiety and panic around just going to therapy, we're going to do EMDR to help me process that fear. I actually...

Last December I started spiraling out of control with my anxiety. By early January, I had to be pulled out of work to attend an Intensive Outpatient Program. I work as a teacher so I am used to being very, very busy with work I find meaningful. It was really hard for me to choose to be away...

Well, therapy starts in about forty minutes. I definitely feel my level of panic rising. I hope the conversation today is good and I can find at least a little more peace with therapy. My next appointment is a month away- that's a lot of time left on my own to think. I had an agenda for...

Today I had office hours. I don't teach on Wednesdays and instead I sit on Zoom for two hours waiting for the throngs of students who constantly tell me in class that they desperately need help to show up and ask their questions. Three students showed up total. I teach 140 students total...

So, I did the thing- I dyed my hair. It was my first time trying to blend. Despite being about 40, my hair is mostly gray. About a year and a half ago, I decided that instead of coloring it endlessly a soft shade of brown, why not take advantage of this blank canvas and splash some real color...

My schedule change took effect today. Co-teaching with a different co-teacher is a little weird. I've been with S for so long. I basically did nothing during the class. I'm sure I can find my groove though. I had my formal observation today. I think it went alright? I actually trust my...

Well, I ended up getting into a fight with my co-teacher today. I knew it was coming. He was angry that I didn't manage to grade every last assignment and get it into the gradebook before the midnight deadline. I told him that those classes are too much for me to have to do alone. He stated...

I worked really hard today and I fell short. I did not come anywhere near completing all of my grading before the midnight cut off. I feel bad about this. Luckily, I have graded many, many more assignments for my class than other teachers have so in truth, the missing assignments wouldn't...

I had the same problem with finding my diary once I left it. I had to bookmark mine. Now I can get there easily. Helps me out quite a bit. Score on the car! Glad to hear good news!

Resolving my dilemma with therapy has cleared my mind today. I've been getting work done in respectable amounts and plan to get more done in a bit (needed a break). I've decided that I no longer care if my therapist likes me. Brave words to say when I haven't seen him in days. I relate it...

I myself just started the journey and have started journaling for the first time. Only started a couple of weeks ago on here myself. I have no idea if I'm doing it right either. But for me, it's been helpful just to clarify my thoughts and get stuff out of my head. It really has been helping...

I had a long talk with my husband tonight about therapy and where I am at. Surprisingly, he took the "suicide as a way out if things get too bad" a lot better than I would have expected. He smiled sadly and said that he knows I don't enjoy life and that I'm not happy. He wishes he could...

@ladee , I actually did know some of your story but not as much as you shared. Thank you for sharing. I've peaked at your journal a few times but as yours is rather long at this point, I haven't been able to read the entire thing. I personally don't have children (never wanted them and...

There were a number of things I should have gotten done today. Grades are due at school by Sunday, paperwork for my special education responsibilities, and other professional responsibilities. I also found out that my schedule was changing starting next week. Work has been knocking on my door...

Wishing you healing and hope you start your healing journey even before finding a therapist (and I hope you find a good one soon).

@oakleaves , I think I'm in a pretty similar situation to you. I did generally trust my T until recently when a lot of fear of the work and fear from transference. I also have a lot of bad experiences with mental health professionals not believing me or giving up on me. It's a rough road...