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- #37
Sadielady3
MyPTSD Pro
There were a number of things I should have gotten done today. Grades are due at school by Sunday, paperwork for my special education responsibilities, and other professional responsibilities. I also found out that my schedule was changing starting next week. Work has been knocking on my door today but I didn't answer. I've been much calmer today and deeply contemplative.
I think it's possible that the phone call with my mom Wednesday night triggered a lot of negative feelings in me on Thursday. I've tried to set down boundaries with her but she ignores them or acts like a petulant child about them. L and I talked about that today and she asked me how many more years will I allow my mother to control me. It's a pretty valid question I think. After getting my graduate degree, I purposely took a teaching job two states away from her to get some physical distance. I'm nearly 40 years old and have been married for a few years now. I don't rely on my mother for anything anymore. In theory, she should have no control. While the phone call on Wednesday was pretty dramatic compared to normal, I think me screaming into a phone to get her attention was pretty telling. I think her constantly interrupting me and ignoring me completely was also pretty telling. But I think that even if she died tomorrow, she'd still be controlling me. I think I'll always hear all of the things she's said to me over the years echoing through my mind.
I thought about my dad and how I had a really good relationship with him. He genuinely loved me and always supported my decisions as I got older, even if he didn't agree with them. He respected me as having my own life to live (even said as much once). Although I always hope that if he was still around he'd like my husband or be proud of the career I have now, I don't feel like he necessarily influences my choices. I didn't stop to think if my dad would approve of my husband before I married him. I married him and hoped that if there is an afterlife and if he's watching, that he liked him. I've had a lot of boyfriends over the years but never really believed any of them would last. I knew early on that my husband was different. I was scared to introduce him to my mom, not because I thought he wouldn't measure up but because she'd be critical and make me feel bad about my choice. Turns out she likes him far more than me. Not sure which situation would have been more hurtful, if I'm being honest.
I mentioned to L also about the possibility that I might fail at therapy and that I may feel like I run out of livable options. She said that the thought had occurred to her too but as much as she'd really love for me to be around that she sees the tremendous amount of pain that I'm in. She said that she doesn't believe trying to go my own way will ultimately be any better. She said that with therapy at least I stand a chance. She feels that I have nothing to lose. I guess I'd always thought that I'd ruled out suicide as a viable option but maybe all of my passive suicidal tendancies were always going to catch up to me and I just couldn't see it as clearly as people around me could.
I, of course, also contemplated therapy. The transference stuff is horrible but good in a way. I've never had transference with a therapist before and from what I understand, it only happens to this degree when there's a real connection. From what I also understand, the brain does this in therapy when there's unresolved issues that need to be played out. Maybe playing out this scenario will give me the freedom from 80% of the control of my mother. Honestly, I'd probably be a lot happier if it was even 50%. I'm like a little bird standing in the open door of my cage but because I never learned to fly, I just can't seem to leave my prison. Maybe trying to fly will be fatal but is it worth spending my life in a prison when I could instead fly?
As for my T, well, none of my anguish is really about him but I already knew that. I'm looking for an excuse to get out of this. It's not that I don't want to get better and if anyone can help me get better, I think he is one of those select few people who can, but it's that pervasive fear that I can't get better. Too much has happened and too much time has passed. I feel so very old all of the time- like I've lived a thousand lifetimes. I feel so very tired. It's exhausting living life the way I have been for as long as I can remember, possibly my whole life. I'm tired of living my life based around the approval of someone who will never really love me because she is incapable. I don't have the tools to break the chains around my soul but maybe my T does. Maybe he can help me acquire a set of what I need to do this. I don't imagine I'll be soaring through the sky anytime soon but maybe I could at least make it to the windowsill. Maybe I could take a peak around at the world and see that it's not as bleak as I always thought it was from inside the cage. And maybe, with a whole lot of luck, I can feel good enough to actually feel like I deserve to take in the view.
I think it's possible that the phone call with my mom Wednesday night triggered a lot of negative feelings in me on Thursday. I've tried to set down boundaries with her but she ignores them or acts like a petulant child about them. L and I talked about that today and she asked me how many more years will I allow my mother to control me. It's a pretty valid question I think. After getting my graduate degree, I purposely took a teaching job two states away from her to get some physical distance. I'm nearly 40 years old and have been married for a few years now. I don't rely on my mother for anything anymore. In theory, she should have no control. While the phone call on Wednesday was pretty dramatic compared to normal, I think me screaming into a phone to get her attention was pretty telling. I think her constantly interrupting me and ignoring me completely was also pretty telling. But I think that even if she died tomorrow, she'd still be controlling me. I think I'll always hear all of the things she's said to me over the years echoing through my mind.
I thought about my dad and how I had a really good relationship with him. He genuinely loved me and always supported my decisions as I got older, even if he didn't agree with them. He respected me as having my own life to live (even said as much once). Although I always hope that if he was still around he'd like my husband or be proud of the career I have now, I don't feel like he necessarily influences my choices. I didn't stop to think if my dad would approve of my husband before I married him. I married him and hoped that if there is an afterlife and if he's watching, that he liked him. I've had a lot of boyfriends over the years but never really believed any of them would last. I knew early on that my husband was different. I was scared to introduce him to my mom, not because I thought he wouldn't measure up but because she'd be critical and make me feel bad about my choice. Turns out she likes him far more than me. Not sure which situation would have been more hurtful, if I'm being honest.
I mentioned to L also about the possibility that I might fail at therapy and that I may feel like I run out of livable options. She said that the thought had occurred to her too but as much as she'd really love for me to be around that she sees the tremendous amount of pain that I'm in. She said that she doesn't believe trying to go my own way will ultimately be any better. She said that with therapy at least I stand a chance. She feels that I have nothing to lose. I guess I'd always thought that I'd ruled out suicide as a viable option but maybe all of my passive suicidal tendancies were always going to catch up to me and I just couldn't see it as clearly as people around me could.
I, of course, also contemplated therapy. The transference stuff is horrible but good in a way. I've never had transference with a therapist before and from what I understand, it only happens to this degree when there's a real connection. From what I also understand, the brain does this in therapy when there's unresolved issues that need to be played out. Maybe playing out this scenario will give me the freedom from 80% of the control of my mother. Honestly, I'd probably be a lot happier if it was even 50%. I'm like a little bird standing in the open door of my cage but because I never learned to fly, I just can't seem to leave my prison. Maybe trying to fly will be fatal but is it worth spending my life in a prison when I could instead fly?
As for my T, well, none of my anguish is really about him but I already knew that. I'm looking for an excuse to get out of this. It's not that I don't want to get better and if anyone can help me get better, I think he is one of those select few people who can, but it's that pervasive fear that I can't get better. Too much has happened and too much time has passed. I feel so very old all of the time- like I've lived a thousand lifetimes. I feel so very tired. It's exhausting living life the way I have been for as long as I can remember, possibly my whole life. I'm tired of living my life based around the approval of someone who will never really love me because she is incapable. I don't have the tools to break the chains around my soul but maybe my T does. Maybe he can help me acquire a set of what I need to do this. I don't imagine I'll be soaring through the sky anytime soon but maybe I could at least make it to the windowsill. Maybe I could take a peak around at the world and see that it's not as bleak as I always thought it was from inside the cage. And maybe, with a whole lot of luck, I can feel good enough to actually feel like I deserve to take in the view.