Sadielady3's Diary

Sadielady3

Confident
Well, therapy starts in about forty minutes. I definitely feel my level of panic rising. I hope the conversation today is good and I can find at least a little more peace with therapy. My next appointment is a month away- that's a lot of time left on my own to think.

I had an agenda for the meeting. But I think I might want to change it. I still want to open with the funny story I had to tell him. That's a nice ease in for me and it's relevant to what I want to talk about. I still want to talk about what I should do between sessions if I'm spiraling and not coming out of it using the few meager tools I do have. I can't email him due to privacy issues and I don't want to rely on going to the Urgent Care therapist all of the time. I'm hoping he might have some other ideas. I still want to talk about my experience with being committed and how being committed is a big fear of mine. I think maybe a discussion around that might help to alleviate some of my fears.

Then I was going to talk about my issues with S but I think that's not the right place to start. I think my T was right- I need to get okay with the therapy space before I can dig into things. Anytime I try to talk about anything emotional, I start tearing up. While I know therapists are virtually all okay with seeing tears, it shuts me down. I just can't be that vulnerable with him. How on earth do I expect to have real in-depth conversations with him if I'm worried about what I might uncover or if I keep shutting down? I have no idea how to build this type of trust with him through the transference. I sincerely hope he's got this one.

Well, I've mused long enough. I feel good about my topics. Who knows what I might actually wind up saying since my brain has been all over the place lately. But I'm going to go to therapy today and I'm trying to go into it willing to do work on things that I really think matter. That's the best I can do right now.
 

Sadielady3

Confident
Therapy went really well today. My T wants to start doing EMDR sooner than I originally had planned but the plan with this has changed as well. Because I have been having so much anxiety and panic around just going to therapy, we're going to do EMDR to help me process that fear. I actually really like this since it will let me see what EMDR is like and how effective it is for me before digging through all of this trauma. It allows me to get a taste without buying a whole case of the stuff, so to speak.

My T is also upping my frequency of therapy starting in January. I'll be seeing him every two weeks instead of once per month. I think he would have scheduled me for a second appointment in December but he is already fully booked in December.

We came up with a better plan for crisis between sessions. He said that he will trust my judgment as he sees me as being really self-aware and if I write him an email that simply indicates that I need to check in with him, he will at least give me a quick call when he has a minute or, if he has something open, he will squeeze me in. He also said that the Urgent Care T had said that I had used the service appropriately and that it's okay to call if I need to. He also talked about using the bilateral stimulation that we did in group on my own more often and we went through how to do that again.

I got the fear of being committed off of my chest. We discussed that and he said I'm no where near the point where it had ever crossed his mind. He made it clear that I would need to be a danger to myself or others to take those steps. While I rationally knew that (and told him as much), he said he could see my experience in the psych ward as being terrifying and why I might have this fear of being truly crazy. He also said that he doesn't think I am crazy, just a person with a lot of trauma.

We talked about how this is not the journey I signed up for. This is where things got real. I admitted that I don't enjoy my life and if he had a button I could press that would just erase me from all of time and space, where I wouldn't hurt others by leaving that I would press it. I made it clear that I've really considered my options and that I don't see any way to go but to move forward and try to tackle this beast, that my depression and anxiety have been getting a lot worse the last five years or so and that I don't enjoy my life. I told him that I had considered walking away and trying to burying all of this again but that I knew it was just going to keep getting worse if I didn't deal with it. I told him that I knew I'd still be talking with him a year from now and that this is not going to be a short journey and that things will likely get worse before they get better. He simply smiled at me and told me he was happy to be along for the ride.

I told him how I can't cry in front of him and how irrational that is. I explained about how I wasn't really allowed to get sick as a child and my experience with vertigo. I explained about how I knew somehow as a child that I wasn't allowed to show weakness and that the transference is really messing with me about this. I told him that it's not that I want to cry in front of him but by not being able to do so causes me to shut down when something comes into my head that makes me want to cry and then I freeze up and can't tell him. He recognized it as a control issue. Then I confessed that I had been trying to find a rational way to get out of doing this anymore by assigning feelings to him that were unfair and not based in reality. I didn't tell him any of the things I assigned to him but he probably has the general idea. At any rate, the specifics aren't as important as the overall activity. I told him I knew it was about trying to control the relationship. He said it makes sense when a lot of people with serious trauma have a need to have control.

I feel like I did a good job being open today in therapy. I feel a lot better at the moment but am expecting the therapy hangover tomorrow. Hopefully I can manage my emotions and cope on my own with it.
 

ladee

MyPTSD Pro
Sadie, that was an amazing session. If more people would do what you just did, anxiety and all, get the questions and concerns out there for the both of you to look at, it sets a solid foundation for recovery and your relationship with your T!!! Excellent!!

And with the way your N mother always dismissed you, the courage it took to speak up for yourself and get your concerns out of the way, says a lot about your survival skills. The great thing about now tho is, now you get to 'thrive', not just survive and you do not need one thing from your mother to do this.

Just some amazing work today. Hope you are very proud of yourself. And you may not have a hangover this time. You may be tired because of the stress of the things you talked about but hope you smile a lot in the next few days and congratulate yourself. Just excellent!!!!
 

Sadielady3

Confident
@ladee , I almost didn't even give myself the chance to do this. My heart was pounding before the session and my anxiety hit the roof when he appeared on screen. I quickly froze and couldn't speak. He had suggested trying to do the EMDR today because even through the screen he could see how panicked I was. I started with a funny story and then froze up again. I told him I had an agenda and I just couldn't do it. I think he sensed that what I wanted to talk about was really important and then insisted I tell him what was on my mind. It was incredibly hard to get started but it got easier as I kept talking. I was literally shaking at the start. I am really proud that I managed to get so much out there and push through the fear. Right now, I do feel better. I am proud I was able to say things that were hard. I am relieved that I got stuff off of my chest and he seemed on board and understanding about everything. I just wish I wasn't still so afraid of him. Hopefully the EMDR sessions in January will help with this.
 

Sadielady3

Confident
Last night my mom called me. I managed to get off the phone with her in under twenty minutes. Usually she keeps me on the phone for hours. I think the record is around 8 hours actually. Usually it's more like 2 to 3 hours. During summer vacation she expects 2 to 3 hour phone calls every few days. Maybe I'm just boring but I don't have that much to talk about in a given week, especially during summer vacation.

I've been feeling really emotional this morning. I woke up super early but I'm unsure what time, I kept just trying to go back to sleep. I've been stressing about group therapy this morning but not exactly sure why. My T runs the group I'm stressing about and he told us at the end of the session last week that he would sign us all up for next week. He didn't sign me up. I know the mature rational thing would be to reach out to him on Monday or Tuesday if he still hasn't signed me up or to just show up without being signed up (I have the static info for the class) because it's possible that as a human being he messed up and forgot to add me accidentally but I can't help but wonder if he left me out on purpose. Maybe I talk too much or maybe some people complained about me or something. Maybe I'm not welcome there and he forgot to mention it yesterday. Maybe he's hoping I'll just go away. I suspect that this is the transference coming into play because I wouldn't think twice about harassing the other group T about it or I'd just show up anyways. It doesn't make the feelings hurt less or be less worrisome.

Despite my T telling me yesterday that he's very happy to be along for the ride, I can't help but wonder why this would be. Therapists are trained to say things like that and it's probably just a part of the whole warm regard thing. I genuinely felt really good after therapy last night but was starting to feel a bit anxious as I laid in bed trying to fall asleep. I don't know if this is the effect of my mother calling or if my brain is trying hard to attack therapy again. I rationally know that my only real choice is to stick with therapy but that doesn't mean my soul is at peace with it.
 

ladee

MyPTSD Pro
Get in touch with your T Sadie. Simple solution.

Sounds like every time you hear from mom everything comes unraveled. Might be a great thing to talk to T about. Because you have heard her voice longer saying you are worthLESS, and his only a short while hearing his voice saying that's not true, guess which one wins in situations like this???

Give T a call.
 

Sadielady3

Confident
Saw my psychiatrist today. No new meds, wants me to continue with therapy, will see me again in February. I was a bit nervous about being put on Abilify (the original plan). She chalks up my inordinate amount of stress to an insane work load with school and trying to learn to deal with all of this trauma that has been coming up.

I went to my school's virtual happy hour and talked with a couple of friends about dogs. I'd really like to get a dog. My husband says no. He loves dogs as much as I do but he says this is not the right time. We'd like to buy a house first and then get a dog once we have a yard and we don't have to worry about the landlord not approving. I know he's logically right but I really think having a dog would help me feel a bit better and would help me to leave my house to walk it. I never really leave my house anymore, it's been weeks since I last set foot across the threshold of my front door. I just don't have a reason to go out so I don't.

I'm still really anxious and panicked about everything. I thought maybe the psychiatrist appointment or happy hour would help but I still feel really uneasy. Maybe I should skip my December appointment and wait to see my T until January when we can do the EMDR. My husband says that'll give me more time to talk me out of going back to therapy. I don't know. I know I should just email my T but I just can't. It's such a ridiculous thing but my emotions are just haywire. I think I'll go lay down for a bit.
 

ladee

MyPTSD Pro
I'm sorry you are still having the debate with yourself Sadie. Sometimes when it's something I can't make a decision about, but I know what I need to do, when the 'debate' starts in my brain, I make a 'commitment' to what it is I'm afraid of.

So maybe when the debate starts you can tell yourself to stop, and start saying to yourself the benrfits of therapy. He does like you, he seems like a very very good T and encourages you to speak what's on your mind.

Not saying this will magically make the debate go away and the reasons for it, but it always calmed my brain down for a bit. Until next time anyway.

I'm sorry your mother had the power to make you doubt yourself. But you have made some amazing strides in your life in spite of her and that insistent voice in the back of your head. You have a lot to be proud of.

The whole point of healing is to rewire our brain out of those loops we get into. It's work. But so is staying upset and worrying yourself into a hole.

I understand your hubbys thinking about the dog. But maybe you can talk with him again and express how much you feel like having a little fur critter to take care of would really help you. Maybe put up a pet deposit with the landlord. You are home all the time and can take care of taking him out.

And maybe getting an older dog from the pound. Like two or three years old. Already house trained and that needs a good and loving home. I really hope you get a dog. Sometimes the things we want and need are not 'reasonable' for the circumstances, but that doesn't mean it's still not a good thing.

Just something to think about. Hope you don't hear from Mommy Dearest for a while and you have time to get a break from her voice.
 

Sadielady3

Confident
Lots and lots of thoughts this morning. Not a lot of sleep the last two nights. Writing helps me work out thoughts so maybe this will help.

Thursday's therapy appointment- I brought up some of my deepest concerns. This was a hard thing to do. My T had great responses and developed a good plan to help me. I felt slightly hopeful that things could get better. He reaffirmed that he was on board with this journey. I felt good but exposed and vulnerable and a bit shaky.

Mom's call- Blathered on and on about politics. I tried to set boundaries and she blew up at me. It's not about her blowing up at me, it's the consequences of me standing up for myself I'm worried about. I don't have much family left- only my brother and his family and my mom. I don't want to lose my brother and his family. My brother and I are not close. He will never be a part of my life in any meaningful way. He's angry at me still for leaving to go to college and leaving him alone in that house. Although he was mommy's little boy, our step-dad treated him like shit. Things were pretty bad for my brother as a result of me leaving but I was justified to get on with my life. Things were far worse for me at home than they were for my brother and going to college is a normal thing to do after high school. I think the reason I never left my mom's house to go live with my dad is for his sake. I'd been taking care of my brother for so long it would have been like leaving my child behind. And yet, at the same time, I resent the hell out of him for being the favorite child in that household. My mom loved him even though she was neglectful towards him as well but he had me to make sure he had dinner and me to make sure he had clean clothes. There is a part of me that wishes we had a better relationship and a part of me that knows our childhood experiences will always make that difficult. The blow up at me when I was feeling hopeful and now I feel like there are bad consequences for standing up for myself is the real issue. It's doesn't make a lot of logical sense to me but maybe it really does come down to how my brain is wired.

Anxiety building up- As the evening wore on, my anxiety started to slowly take over. At some point, all of the anger and fear I was feeling about my mom got reassigned to my T. Not sure if it's the transference doing that or if it's because I had two big emotional experiences in a short amount of time so I assigned the feelings to the therapy session because it was the thing that made me feel emotional in the first place. Maybe it's both. Maybe it's something else. This I'm not sure about at all.

Friday morning- woke up super early, maybe three hours of sleep. Feeling emotional and shaky but overall okay. Was able to focus on some things and get work done. Then I had the psychiatry appointment and when on the website noticed that T didn't schedule me for group. Felt unwelcome. Started to wonder if I had done something wrong and wasn't allowed to go anymore. Rational brain rejects this train of thought but can't override emotional brain on this one. Spiraling downwards really begins.

Tried to lay down but the pervasive thoughts are strong and won't stop. A lot of suicidal ideation going on. Wouldn't it be cool to just die on my birthday? Poetic. Never thought I'd live to see 40 anyway. Then I don't have to go through all of this anymore.

Talked to Urgent Care T (new one, never seen her before). Didn't understand what I was trying to tell her. Thought I was solely upset about not being scheduled for group and thought that if she scheduled me for group that I'd be fine. I told her not to. My issue isn't with not being scheduled for group. I have the ability to go to group if I want without being scheduled for it. I'm worried that it's a sign of something. Urgent Care T told me that I need a new regular T. I freaked out on her. I've been down this line of thinking and I know the problem isn't with my T. I know that a new T will either be ineffective in treating me or I'll be back here in six months to a year. I refused to consider this option. She recommended an app that might be able to replace therapy. In her follow up notes, Urgent Care T said my issue was with scheduling.

Night owl friends noticed I was up super late and wanted to know why. I told them what was going on. Everyone is in agreement that I should stick with the T I have. One friend called Urgent Care T an idiot, that Urgent Care T was recommending big things based on way too little information. Husband stated that with the things I'm working through that an app might be helpful between sessions but it will not replace actual therapy.

I still don't know if I will keep my December appointment but I am resolved to go in January for the EMDR treatment to help me with my feelings about therapy. I just need to try to calm down enough to not think about it for a few weeks. Some of the things that are bothering me will likely get resolved. Finding peace and patience has not been my strong suit lately.
 

Sadielady3

Confident
I did something positive for myself yesterday. I finally got over my anxiety and asked my friend about taking guitar lessons with him. I was worried about asking him because I didn't want him to think I was trying to get lessons for free. As a former musician myself, I would never ask a fellow musician to work for free. He spent years honing his skills. It's not about the 30 minutes he spends with me, it's about the time and money he put into being able to spend those 30 minutes with me as a skilled instructor. At any rate, he seemed pretty excited about teaching me and I already paid him for the two lessons coming up in November. It made me feel good to pay him as I felt like it alleviated any sense of me trying to take advantage.

My T challenged me back in March (I think) to plan a trip with my husband to get out into the world and have some positive fun experiences. I actually love to travel and would have been really willing to do this. But then, Covid. So then my T challenged me to go spend some money on myself and buy myself something fun or something I've always wanted, something that's just for me. But I couldn't do it. I'm honestly not materialistic so "stuff" doesn't really hold a high appeal for me. So, I opted to start getting my hair done. The truth is, I hate going to the hairdresser. But I thought she could really make my hair super purple and it would be better than what I can do. I was wrong on this. I've been there twice for colorings and even though my hair looks great when she's done, it fades out so incredibly quickly. When I do it at home, it lasts a lot longer. I also feel anxious and out of place the whole time I'm there. This is probably because I always seem to think I'm bothering her. Considering I just dyed my hair on my own, I'm going to cancel December's appointment with her.

I think doing guitar lessons instead is a better place to be with doing something positive for myself. Not only am I more comfortable with my teacher but I also think that maybe the guitar playing could be a therapeutic thing for me when I'm struggling. I majored in music in college but I think I just loved music's soothing abilities. When it came down to it, I was never one to perform or enjoy being on stage. I never wanted the starring role or big solos. I just liked singing. I guess if nothing else, I had a great opportunity at an extremely respected school to really learn how to sing. My college took less than 1% of the vocalists who auditioned. Many of my classmates went on to star on Broadway or do other amazing things.

I remember last year my husband was in an opera. He didn't sing in this opera and was basically moving scenery. The musical director for the opera was my very first accompanist. He has a unique name so I looked him up to make sure it really was the same person. It was. My husband mentioned me to him and he actually remembered me. I ran into him at the after party and he seemed so excited to see me. I told him I teach math now and don't do much singing anymore. He said that that was a shame because I was an amazing talent and he had always thought I'd do big musical things. I told him he had me confused with some other person and he said that he was 100% sure he didn't.

I don't really regret not going into music. It's a hard life to always be looking for your next job. It would have been hard for me to be in the spotlight that much. It would have been way too much to feel that exposed to judgment at all times. Being a math teacher suits me just fine. But maybe it'll be good for me to go back to music and just enjoy it without any pressure. I think that outlet will be good for me. Plus, in these times, it'll be nice to be interacting with a friendly human.
 

ladee

MyPTSD Pro
That sounds like a great idea to take lessons for something you enjoy, from someone you know. And without all the pressure!!!

Very excited for you Sadie. And doing something for YOU is very important. Good for you stepping out of your comfort zone and finding a way to make yourself happy and something to look forward to.

Proud of you!!! If that makes you uncomfortable please let me know. I know sometimes it might sound condescending, not my intention at all. It's just most of us here never heard those words and here on the forum, it is a way of supporting. But let me know if it's uncomfortable. I promise I won't take it personally, that's why I'm asking!!!
 

Sadielady3

Confident
@ladee , that's fine to offer encouragement- it makes me smile.

Also, I think I may have convinced my husband (mostly) that we really should get a dog. He's been downstairs looking through the offerings at the local animal shelters to see what's out there and smiling to himself. We have to get our house ready for a dog and clean up the overgrown plant life in our backyard but I think it's doable.
 
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