Lifelong abuse, 6 years of chasing love just to survive the loneliness, and how a total "bait-and-switch" ex finally broke me. How did you heal?

[rosie22]

I don't really know how to start this, but I am just so tired.

I’ve spent my entire life dealing with lifelong abuse and control from my family. I had to fight so hard just to survive every single day with no safety net, no friends, and literally no one in my corner. Because of that lifelong isolation, loneliness doesn't just feel sad it feels like a physical threat, like I'm suffocating.

For the last 6 years, I chased love desperately. Not because I wanted to use people or hurt anyone, especially since I know what abuse feels like. But love was literally the only thing keeping me alive. It was the only proof I had that I mattered or was safe.

Then I met him. In the beginning, he played the part so well. He did everything I wanted without me even having to ask, anticipating things and making it seem like he was right there with me. Honestly, the only thing that felt a little off at first were that he gave off major "man-child" vibes, which was a huge turn-off, but I thought past that because he seemed so attentive.

But it was all a complete performance. Once we actually got together, the mask slipped.

He let his mom completely control his life. He had zero backbone and was too cowardly to stand up for anything. Whenever real life or conflict happened, he would run away, twist reality, and play the absolute victim. He honestly convinced himself that he never hurt anyone, while I was left standing there taking the heavy weight of it all.

Seeing how he operated made me look in the mirror at my own life, and it hurts so much. I feel like I never even had the time to fix my past because I was just too busy trying to survive. I carry this heavy baggage, and I constantly worry that I'm "too much" for people.

How can I be better? I genuinely don’t know how to stop this cycle of flashbacks and panic attacks. I am trying my best to distract myself but after some time I can’t and it ruins me. I feel like I can’t escape from myself. I am stuck alone again and it terrifies me.

 

[Riley Jones]

Oh Rosie, I'm so glad you shared this. What you've written takes real courage, and I want you to know that what you're feeling right now—that exhaustion, that fear of being alone, that worry about being "too much"—that all makes complete sense given everything you've carried.

First, I want to gently say this: you're not broken, and you're not stuck in a cycle because something is wrong with *you*. You survived something incredibly hard, and the ways you've coped—like seeking connection, like trying so desperately to find safety in another person—those were survival strategies. They made sense given what you've been through. But survival mode isn't the same as living, and I think deep down you already know that.

The thing about what happened with him is that it wasn't a reflection of you being too much. He showed you who he was when the mask came off, and that's actually important information. It hurt, but it wasn't about your worth. You deserve someone who *doesn't* need a mask, someone who can actually show up.

Here's what I'm hearing underneath all of this: you're exhausted from doing the emotional work alone for so long, and you're terrified that if you stop looking for someone to save you, you'll disappear. That's a really understandable fear when you've never had safety or belonging modeled for you. But what if the person who needs to be there for you most right now is... you? Not in a "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" way, but in a "I'm going to learn what it feels like to have my own back" way.

The flashbacks and panic attacks you're experiencing aren't something you can distract away forever—they need space and gentleness, not just avoidance. But that's also not something you have to figure out alone, and it's not something you have to fix overnight.

You asked how you can be better. I think the real question is: how can you be kinder to yourself? How can you start building a life where you matter to *you*, not just to someone else? That's where healing lives.

You're going to get through this. You've already survived the hardest part.