starkflash
New Here
Hi all
Let's make this a positive thread about how to turn loneliness around! I'm asking the question to all of you who really really have felt alone and lonely but who managed to turn it around. Tell us how you did it, what steps you had to take, what things did you have to realize...
I'll tell something about myself to get this started, but before I do I'll admit to not having solved the problem yet myself. The background and cause of my loneliness is of course my childhood traumas of severe sexual abuse in multiple pedophile rings (I should let that sink in for a while, no wonder I refuse relationships heheh). When I feel lonely I actually not just feel lonely but I feel completely unlovable and abandoned, like I am the loneliest guy in the universe, and it feels like that is how it is supposed to be, well, that's what the message of the emotion is. This is of course an emotional flashback and when I catch on to it I can deal with it great by pulling myself to a mindful gentle Present and by facing the thoughts and emotions. Well, there's a problem, it being that I don't recognize this feeling of loneliness as an emotional flasback, because I've felt like this all my life. I've been feeling lonely when in relationships, when not in relationships and in everything in between. Well, with this writing I'm making my mind recognize the emotional flashback better, because when I start realistically looking at my situation I know that I don't have to feel like that! Even as I'm typing these sentences out I feel a bit stunned about what is coming out, of course I'm as lovable as the next guy. I know, nowdays, that I am intelligent, fun to be with, open minded, I make people feel good (just not myself) and I know that because they tell me so. It's just that when the emotional flashback comes along... all sense of self-value is completely, but completely, lost up to a point where it becomes a fun mind game to start thinking "how can someone feeling what I feel ever rebuild the sense of self-value again". And yet I do rebuild it and reconquer my self-esteem, everytime, and everytime it gets easier (yay for having learn how to emotionally respond to emotional flashbacks). It doesn't make it easier to have suffered from BDD as a teen ager, I really have thought that I was the most hidiously unattractive man on the planet. That too comes back during the emotional flashbacks, and I have to deal with it emotionally everytime (but I do!).
So my positive advice, what I've learned so far, is to start questioning the feelings of loneliness, putting them on the map of the memories about the abuse. Using the knowledge of what happened to me so that I understand why I feel these feelings of inadecuacy. They are not real these feelings, they are a part of a memory of what the abuse used to make me feel like.
My second advice is to really start loving yourself! There is no excuse for not loving yourself, period. I've felt guilty for the sexual abuse, I felt guilty for being present as a 5-6 year at a scene of a murder, I've felt guilt and battled self-abandonment, so I know how justified those feelings feel. But they are not true, the only emotionally rational option is to live in the Present and start seeing that I am a lovable person, and start the loving by loving myself first. And not just by telling myself that, but by DOING things to myself, by really taking care of myself. It can be as easy as going to the beach a sunny day and having my favorite ice cream, or going to a spa, or going to a doctor about my stomach/back/leg/whatever pains (which I still need to do). I'm not saying I'm there yet myself (but why not, really??), but when I started doing things like this I started feeling a WHOLE lot better. A part of me felt conflicting about starting to love myself, or starting to take care of myself, but I love that part too, to bits, because that's my most hurt part, it's the me that is so hurt that it can't bear the pain so I feel like rejecting/abandoning the parts of me that hurt too much. I accept and love all of me, the hurt me and the me that has wanted to abandon myself, because I understand why...!
Why do I feel lonely now then? Well, I feel hidiously unattractive (hey, feeling a whole lot better telling even you guys that it's not a truth but an emotional flashback) but also because I haven't wanted (the judgemental me says "haven't been able to", but that opinion doesn't take the abuse into account) to be intimate with anyone since I started remembering my abuse about 3 years ago. I miss the physical closeness more than the sex, I miss the hugs and the cuddles, but the closer I get to moments of intimacy my feelings just scream abuuuse/rape/get-out. I understand I need to integrate those feelings better, I know the abuse is not happening now, I do *remember* the abuse as a *memory* as I have integrated lots and lots, even vomiting from integration pains (it get's better, trust me!). But I feel trapped in a catch 22, needing closeness to heal, rejecting closeness out of automatic reactions associated with sex. But I *know* it's "only" an emotional flashback, the fear... Because when I anchor in the Present there is no fear nor panic... I feel I just need to get this intimacy thing over with and I'll be fine... but I would not be writing this if I knew how to solve it (well, to help others I would), so I'm asking you guys... If you suffered from any of the above and have made progress, what would you say made the difference?
Let's make this a positive thread about how to turn loneliness around! I'm asking the question to all of you who really really have felt alone and lonely but who managed to turn it around. Tell us how you did it, what steps you had to take, what things did you have to realize...
I'll tell something about myself to get this started, but before I do I'll admit to not having solved the problem yet myself. The background and cause of my loneliness is of course my childhood traumas of severe sexual abuse in multiple pedophile rings (I should let that sink in for a while, no wonder I refuse relationships heheh). When I feel lonely I actually not just feel lonely but I feel completely unlovable and abandoned, like I am the loneliest guy in the universe, and it feels like that is how it is supposed to be, well, that's what the message of the emotion is. This is of course an emotional flashback and when I catch on to it I can deal with it great by pulling myself to a mindful gentle Present and by facing the thoughts and emotions. Well, there's a problem, it being that I don't recognize this feeling of loneliness as an emotional flasback, because I've felt like this all my life. I've been feeling lonely when in relationships, when not in relationships and in everything in between. Well, with this writing I'm making my mind recognize the emotional flashback better, because when I start realistically looking at my situation I know that I don't have to feel like that! Even as I'm typing these sentences out I feel a bit stunned about what is coming out, of course I'm as lovable as the next guy. I know, nowdays, that I am intelligent, fun to be with, open minded, I make people feel good (just not myself) and I know that because they tell me so. It's just that when the emotional flashback comes along... all sense of self-value is completely, but completely, lost up to a point where it becomes a fun mind game to start thinking "how can someone feeling what I feel ever rebuild the sense of self-value again". And yet I do rebuild it and reconquer my self-esteem, everytime, and everytime it gets easier (yay for having learn how to emotionally respond to emotional flashbacks). It doesn't make it easier to have suffered from BDD as a teen ager, I really have thought that I was the most hidiously unattractive man on the planet. That too comes back during the emotional flashbacks, and I have to deal with it emotionally everytime (but I do!).
So my positive advice, what I've learned so far, is to start questioning the feelings of loneliness, putting them on the map of the memories about the abuse. Using the knowledge of what happened to me so that I understand why I feel these feelings of inadecuacy. They are not real these feelings, they are a part of a memory of what the abuse used to make me feel like.
My second advice is to really start loving yourself! There is no excuse for not loving yourself, period. I've felt guilty for the sexual abuse, I felt guilty for being present as a 5-6 year at a scene of a murder, I've felt guilt and battled self-abandonment, so I know how justified those feelings feel. But they are not true, the only emotionally rational option is to live in the Present and start seeing that I am a lovable person, and start the loving by loving myself first. And not just by telling myself that, but by DOING things to myself, by really taking care of myself. It can be as easy as going to the beach a sunny day and having my favorite ice cream, or going to a spa, or going to a doctor about my stomach/back/leg/whatever pains (which I still need to do). I'm not saying I'm there yet myself (but why not, really??), but when I started doing things like this I started feeling a WHOLE lot better. A part of me felt conflicting about starting to love myself, or starting to take care of myself, but I love that part too, to bits, because that's my most hurt part, it's the me that is so hurt that it can't bear the pain so I feel like rejecting/abandoning the parts of me that hurt too much. I accept and love all of me, the hurt me and the me that has wanted to abandon myself, because I understand why...!
Why do I feel lonely now then? Well, I feel hidiously unattractive (hey, feeling a whole lot better telling even you guys that it's not a truth but an emotional flashback) but also because I haven't wanted (the judgemental me says "haven't been able to", but that opinion doesn't take the abuse into account) to be intimate with anyone since I started remembering my abuse about 3 years ago. I miss the physical closeness more than the sex, I miss the hugs and the cuddles, but the closer I get to moments of intimacy my feelings just scream abuuuse/rape/get-out. I understand I need to integrate those feelings better, I know the abuse is not happening now, I do *remember* the abuse as a *memory* as I have integrated lots and lots, even vomiting from integration pains (it get's better, trust me!). But I feel trapped in a catch 22, needing closeness to heal, rejecting closeness out of automatic reactions associated with sex. But I *know* it's "only" an emotional flashback, the fear... Because when I anchor in the Present there is no fear nor panic... I feel I just need to get this intimacy thing over with and I'll be fine... but I would not be writing this if I knew how to solve it (well, to help others I would), so I'm asking you guys... If you suffered from any of the above and have made progress, what would you say made the difference?
