Death Cougar... and the past

[ms spock]

Rocking helps the most. I have a rocking chair at my computer for that reason.

That sounds like a great thing to have - a rocking chair.

I do small rocking in bed and I want to do more standing rocking.

 

[Guest for now]

I recommend them, hope you can get one. In my opinion the ones that slide back and forth are even better.

 

[Guest for now]

I can tell my prefrontal cortex is not working well because I remember all the people explaining to me why this is not my fault, but it still feels like it is and it's hard to connect to the logic. There must be a way to integrate the information so my whole brain knows it.

I've been avoiding the phone, there is someone I'm supposed to get back to who I just can't face right now, who is notoriously bad with this kind of thing (well, not that I've saved cats from cougars before, but I mean this person is really bad at talking to traumatized people). There should be workshops where people could learn the basics. I don't know how many people would attend but it is so needed. Basically every time something traumatic has happened to me there is a secondary trauma because of all the people who don't get it. Which leads me to isolate. Which leads to not having a solid support system. Which leads to... I'm sure people get the idea. It's not even all that hard to understand. I think people are afraid to try. Like if you haven't faced trauma yourself, you're afraid to know that the symptoms are normal reactions because that means it could happen to you. It's easier to either pretend people don't suffer like this, or believe that if they do, it's because they're doing something wrong. I think. I guess it's as hard for me to relate to them as for them to relate to me.

I'm in frozen shock, if that's a thing. Like I have to remind myself to breathe and to blink, and it's hard to stand up straight. Phasing in and out of reality. Unable to make basic decisions like what to eat. This is so much more to me than a cougar killing a cat. Not that that is such a small thing. But this is way more. I truly do not understand people who say things like "they are all around us, that happens" as if that fact should make everything all right. To me these people are speaking a different language.

The message was brought home to me so many times. "Anything you love will be killed." I have moments of clarity when I know this is not what happened. But I can slip under the spell of the programming so easily. A change in light. A careless word. A cold wind. It's so easy. Which is why I'm avoiding the phone.