Acknowledging my past

[FFnerd]

As a start, I'll be happy with myself if I add small memories/incidents from my upbringing on a semi-regular basis. I prefer to treat myself like these things never happened, and it ends up making me have zero compassion for myself when I face triggers/flashbacks/health issues - leading to self destructive behaviors. I just spent the night and day laying in bed with my phone on DND - I fought self harm thoughts all night after a new years night out, I only started to chill a bit after taking a dose of trazodone in the morning. I layed in bed and watched youtube playthroughs all day today - I doordashed food for myself around noon and it was the only thing I ate today. And i felt lazy and irresponsible for it. Like a coward for being scared to look at my phone, and bailing on plans with friends today. And even more silly because I know my period should be starting soon which is probably the main reason I feel especially unstable.
I know my reaction to my night out is because of the view of myself that I developed over my childhood - so I want to address it. There aren't many people in my life that can connect with my feelings - because they generally think i have it all together now. So no one really feels safe. I remembered how relatable this community was for me, so I'm hoping it'll be a good starting point to attempt to connect with people again about things.

I'll start with a snippet when I was about 9 - I was homeschooled in a online program, largely unsupervised. I had an older brother who was in a public school separate from me, my dad worked long hours outside the house, and my mom worked from home. It was just me and her in the house during the day - and she generally ignored me unless it was to criticize me or have me do something. Me and my older brother did all the cleaning in the house from an early age, and looking back my mom had/has a bit of a hoarding problem - keeping up with the housework/laundry/dishes was a losing battle. Ironically, my mom was very particular about cleaning/appearances - so if we were having company over, we would be expected to dust the ceiling, scrub the grout, sort piled up mail perfectly - on top of clearing out any accumulated clutter. Now I know my mom's expectations were unrealistic - but at the time when she and the rest of my family told me I was terrible at cleaning, I took it as a personal failing. Especially since my brother, her self-proclaimed favorite, would put off his half of the cleaning on me.

I was very depressed during this time, for a lot of reasons - and this is when I made my first S plan. I had skipped a grade in kindergarten, but that year I flunked because I didn't complete my schoolwork. My family had told me I was a failure, my mom threatened before i flunked that if I did she would take me out of online school and put me in the "dumb school" nearby, separate from my brother - and everyone in my family told me I would be forced to become a cleaner (as if that's the worst fate) and I'm "not even good at cleaning", so it wouldn't last long. I was hopelessly lonely, scared of people, and largely hated myself and just wished I could make my mom proud of me. I also wished i could just get a different family.


This is only front in mind, because i have a friend temporarily living with me - and I realize I'm obsessive with cleaning now. I get angry, and feel on edge if something's off in my living space cleaning wise - even if it's just a spoon left in the sink. More than that, I can't completely relax if someone else is in my living space 24/7 - even if it's this friend I've known since I was 8. I feel like I have to be 'on' - even though logically i know this friend doesn't expect this from me at all.

 

[FFnerd]

My mom often told me growing up that I was selfish, ungrateful and had a huge attitude problem. She said no one would like me as I was - and when I later was able to retort that I had a few friends I had collected in highschool, she said “that’s just because they don’t actually know you, if they did they wouldn’t either”.
She constantly undermined my self image - I would even avoid looking in the mirror because catching a glimpse of myself would make me nauseous and ruin my day - it felt like looking at a stranger I hated. I felt like I had to cater to people to have them like me. I still do sometimes. My worth still feels tied to how objectively useful I know myself to be to someone I care about.

Now though, I can view myself in a mirror and feel okay and even good about my appearance and connect with it. My people pleasing behaviors have decreased significantly over the years - but those I care about could run me over with a bus while laughing at me and I’d say “they probably had a good reason for that”.
Each time I have a romantic rejection I feel so deeply unlovable - I never even get to the point of pursuing someone until we’ve gotten to really connect on an emotional level. So when I face rejection it has been by someone who’s known me best - my traumas, my anxieties, dreams, goals, and thoughts. They know me so well, and always want to stay best friends - but they just don’t like me romantically. I know that you can’t force anyone to feel what they don’t - and I can’t fault them. But each time it reaffirms that dialogue my mom told me - it sends me down a horrible spiral that makes me question every part of myself. It scares me from allowing it again. Worse, it drains all my motivation to keep going - I know this is just an intrusive thought - but it makes me think the people I care about would be better off without me, like maybe they’re just treating me like a cute charity case. But without them, life loses its meaning for me.

So I get left in this limbo of feeling overwhelming loneliness, without any courage to share exactly how bad I’m feeling and why to my people. Because, if they affirm how I’m feeling even with micro body language/tone - i’ll hear my moms voice again and believe every little thing she’s told me. And that’s too much to bear.

 

[FFnerd]

I started reading The Long Road Home by Danielle Steel probably over a year ago - I don’t know if I’m close to finishing it anytime soon. It’s a hard read for me. In the first 1/4 or so I’ve gotten through so far, the protagonist has a painfully relatable view of herself. Every thought she has makes sense to me.
Her mother abandoned her and her father left her because she was obviously some ‘horrible wretched child’. The relief of getting away is relatable too, her fears of her small slice of happiness/peace being taken away at any moment if she isn’t careful, because how dare she be happy? It’s just a story, but I get too wrapped up in empathizing with the character that my nervous system freaks out and I can’t pick it up again for months. In a way, it acts like a way for me to dip my toe in fully reliving those emotional periods in my childhood when I was truly helpless.

I’m thinking of this now because I’ve been trying to get back into reading before bed for a while now - since it’s usually pretty effective at quieting my brain before I go to sleep. But that is one of the books that does the opposite - I’m literally just thinking about it and the thought of continuing the book makes my chest and throat feel tight.

I had a fairly good end to my day today - so I don’t really want to relive any memories in detail tonight, plus as long as everything goes well with my insurance I should have a therapy appt tomorrow, and they usually lead to me being in a more introspective mood.

 

[Survivor3]

Hello @FFnerd , I really enjoyed reading your posts. Vert honest and introspective. It sounds like despite the subject matter that your dealing with, you have the motivation, focus and energy to help yourself through these problems. Great to hear your hopefully having therapy. Someone you can hopefully trust and get support and guidance from. Best wishes to you. S3. .

 

[FFnerd]

Hello @FFnerd , I really enjoyed reading your posts. Vert honest and introspective. It sounds like despite the subject matter that your dealing with, you have the motivation, focus and energy to help yourself through these problems. Great to hear your hopefully having therapy. Someone you can hopefully trust and get support and guidance from. Best wishes to you. S3. .

That is very nice of you to say, thank you.
Yes hopefully, if not today then I should be able to figure out a new clinic/therapist to see.

 

[FFnerd]

My parents were young - and they fought. A lot. They never should've gotten together in the first place, but because of the religion they were raised in and because they slept together once - they needed to get married. So my mom, pregnant at 17/18 married my father who was three years older than her a few years later because of pressure from both families and congregations. From then on it was a constant battle within my parents to prove themselves to their own parents and congregations - that they would make it despite the odds. Despite not being a huge fan of each other as well. My mom never wanted children - she told us many times growing up. She didn't like children, she thought they were gross and needy - and she was forever upset that her early pregnancies kept her from her dreams of being an architect and going to school. We were poor, very poor - I didn't get a mattress until I was 7, and we would move 4 times before I was 10. Not included in those moves was a period of time when my older brother and I stayed with my grandma - to this day i have no idea where my parents were then.

My dad always worked long hours, he worked so much just to try and keep us afloat. My mom hated him though. Or maybe she just hated life then. I just know my earliest memories were of watching her in our scarcely furnished living room - watching the tv from afar. I knew to keep my distance, because she would lose her temper easily, especially with me. And my dad always made sure to tell me and my older brother to "look after mom" while he was away. So we were primed to put her and her needs before our own.

I think that's enough journaling for tonight.

 

[FFnerd]

I'm angry, sad, frustrated, and exhausted. I'm tired. I'm so tired.
So, I want to rant about something. Hopefully it'll be cathartic and empty my chest of these feelings in a bit of a round about way. I can't do shit about the main situation I'm upset about right now, so I'll keep going through my closet and maybe I'll come out of it more equipped to avoid/handle a similar situation in the future.

Sometime when I was in high school, I was voluntold to help my mom set up and plan my older cousin's surprise college graduation party. That day, shortly before we were about to leave - my parent's growing conflict of that week came to a head and they broke out in another huge argument. This was annoying and uncomfortable for me, because I knew we were already running late - and that meant I was going to have to help pick up the slack at the party to make sure everything got set up on time. It was an exceptionally gorgeous day, 60-70Fs - blue skies, sun shining.
My parents screamed in the back. I was the only one home out of my siblings for some reason I don't remember. I meandered from the front door past the boxes of decorations ready to go out to the outside porch. I just wanted to get away from the screaming, I was ready to go when they were - they would find me when it was time.

Then I heard my mom call for me. She found me in my spot outside and told me to call 911 because she said my dad had hit her - then she went back into the house. I sat there - unsure of what to do. I was scared - I honestly didn't want to call, I didn't know what happened - my parents were both prone to lying and stretching the truth about each other. But I knew she would be angry at me if I didn't. So at some point I grabbed the house phone and just stared at it.
I stared at it for a while too long I guess, because my mom came back to find me again on the porch - and she asked me if I'd called yet/when they were coming.
I said no - and she hissed at me, "you're so disobedient, of course you didn't - you're always take your dad's side" and she took her car keys and drove away.
I stammered - I couldn't say anything. I just sat there, trying not to cry. confused. My dad eventually came to find me, he asked me where my mom was and I told him she left. He asked me where - I said I don't know.

Then, he had me load up the party decorations into his car - and he drove me to the venue to drop me and the decorations off while he drove off to find her. For the next few hours, I had to keep my composure and set up the party and direct people as my mom expected - fending off questions my extended family/friends had about my parents whereabouts. I would just force a smile and say they were 'running late/busy/ not sure but they'll be here soon'. I really had no idea though, I just wanted to cry. My throat hurt and my eyes burned for the whole time. I had no idea what was happening - I wondered if my mom would really be abandoning us this time, or if they would end up killing each other (one of my recurrent nightmares at the time). But I also knew there would be hell to pay if i told anyone what had actually happened - because my parents never wanted us to put a bad picture of ourselves out.
Eventually, my parents showed up - quiet and smiling as they greeted the party guests. My mom would pull me aside and criticize me for incorrectly setting up some of the decorations - but neither she or my dad would ever talk about that day again with me. It would never be brought up. It was a pattern in our household.

I look back and I'm angry for myself then. I'm angry I was expected to hold everything in and keep it together when I could've maybe gotten needed support. I'm angry my parents never thought I was worth talking to about that day, or any other days with me. I'm angry that my mom put so much displaced hate and anger towards me. I'm angry that I internalized it and that I still let it follow me now. I feel like I wasn't allowed to be a kid - and now I can't. I never had anyone to rely on for anything, and I still don't feel like I do. I don't let anyone. I'm scared to. I hate it. I hate this.

But no one knows, I've gotten better at hiding my feelings - which has only backfired.

 

[FFnerd]

My parents had me and my older brother ride the city bus to and from school starting in 5th grade. (my 2nd time in 5th after flunking) So, from the age of 10 up to until I got my first car I generally took the city bus or walked to get where I needed to go - which was a lot of places once I got into high school and started joining different clubs/orchestra's. Looking back, I wonder how I wasn't physically assaulted being alone so often in the early and late hours on the street. There were times when older men tried to get me to get in a car with them, or followed me home/to school on the bus - but nothing thankfully came from it. I never even bothered to tell my parents when those things happened - I was worried I'd get in trouble, or worse, they wouldn't care. I still think about the few bus drivers and regular passengers that would quietly look after me - the janitors at my schools always knew me because I was the first to arrive and often the last to leave, they would look the other way and bend the rules for me. Technically students weren't allowed inside the school earlier than a certain time, or after a certain time - but in the cold winter the janitors would let me stay in a corner somewhere, or let me back in after kicking the other kids out. I even had teachers give me rides a few times when they would find me still left after a late concert/other school event.

Now I find a small amount of comfort being alone outside in the dark. Even though I know I need to be careful and should probably kick the habit. I just had a nice long walk after work today in a secluded area - the cold breeze and movement was a nice regulation activity for me. It did leave me thinking about those times I felt comfort in the quiet of the streets when I was in middle school/highschool - just me and the 5am/10pm quiet. Back then they were my moments of peace, away from the chaos of home and the expectations at school/work. I could just breathe and be alone with my thoughts for a while - get in tune with my body. If i needed to cry I could, if I wanted to laugh out loud and giggle to myself I could. My little piece of freedom.

 

[FFnerd]

Just rereading everything I written so far, and it's such a weird feeling. My current day to day is unrecognizable from back then. Feels like an entirely different life, like someone else went through that and not me. But it was me. I know it will be good for me to continue to try and reconnect with my past - it may give me a sense of closure or allow me to identify with my younger self better.

Those things did happen to me, I went through it - and made it to where I am now. They are still a part of my journey, so of course I would have a hard time trying to navigate what comes my way by trying to work off of a partially redacted history.

 

[FFnerd]

This work reminds me of my old therapist - she would be proud I think of what I’ve done so far. She was always good about sorting through my nonsense and helping me see things clearly for what they were in a forever calm manner.
She had to close her practice years ago, but she did reach out to me not too long ago saying she’s back up and running - so now that I have insurance I should see if she’s accepting new patients still.
I had a short term therapist through a free clinic through the end of last year, and she was kind and helpful, but she didn’t really understand long term trauma all that well. She also seemed a bit scared to have me get into too many details. That exact reaction was the reason why I stopped seeing another therapist - that one had seemed genuinely disturbed and bothered by my accounts, in a way that really discouraged me from sharing more. I didn’t want to be able to make my therapist cry.

But the one I’m hoping to reconnect with established early on that I couldn’t surprise or scare her. Was a breath of fresh air to be able to speak with someone who really got it without being scared of what might come out of my mouth next.

 

[FFnerd]

It’s been a day, for a moment I thought I was making a significant turn for the better emotionally - but I just listened to a single song and I’m brought right back down.
Sometimes I wonder if I should get screened for bpd when I get a chance, my mood swings can be quite extreme and long lasting sometimes. But I’m terrible at keeping track of it myself.

Another reason to try to see my old therapist again, or at least a new one that’s equipped to navigate ptsd sufferers - it was only because of my regular weekly appts with my old therapist that I found out I had pmdd. She was able to track and point out my general mood and make the connection to my abnormally severe pms, she encouraged me to get it checked out further.

I know I’ll probably fall off at some point, but so far journaling regularly here has helped me keep better track of my general mood and mental state from day to day. I do think it’s funny to read my original introduction post, I had such a more upbeat vibe then. I wonder if it’s been a gradual change to how I am now, or if I truly am just having a bad few months.

 

[FFnerd]

Thinking about my mom’s physical threats she would make towards me and everyone else in the house when she was angry.
I can hear her growling “I’m gonna punch you in the throat” clearly now. Sometimes she’d switch it up and say kick instead - was fun sometimes trying to imagine the execution of that one. Never really did make sense lol

She never did follow through on that one, she usually kept to open palm hits and telling me I was gonna live with my dad..who lived in the same house then (? ?)
Truly a woman of her time, such a way with words