Acknowledging my past

[FFnerd]

I'm feeling avoidant towards most things in my life right now. I'm definitely feeling avoidant about reliving my past at all - but I feel like I haven't done an exposure entry in a while, which was the main point of this diary for me. Again maybe it'll help relieve some pent-up catharsis.

One of my aunts is getting married this month - unfortunately I can't make it to her ceremony, and it rips me apart. I love this aunt - she is honestly the closest thing I had to a warm mother figure growing up. She would ask my parents to take me out for outings, trips, or just to hang for a weekend. I thought once she'd have her own kids she wouldn't feel the need to have me around as much or treat me so much like a daughter anymore - but she never stopped. She was always supportive, and tried to help me through my insecurities. It was special to me growing up because she would set time aside for just me and her, without my older brother - who at the time was pinned against me by my mom. It was the first time I felt like someone was interested in me, that at least to someone I was worth getting to know - my likes, interests, dislikes, fears. and it was safe, it wasn't going to be used against me.

My mom never liked her though. She would call her names behind her back and to us, constantly finding anything to belittle her physical body or character. My mom never liked that side of the family (this aunt is my father's sister), she was very vocal about it my entire life. Even recently this aunt went through a serious health scare, and almost died in childbirth - I mentioned it to my mom and all she could say was "oh , what baby number is this anyway", and "does she even know the dad". Pissed me right off, because the only reason I answered her call was that I was worried she was relating an update on her status.
Anyway, I loved spending time with her - and my mom knew that. So there was some time between 4th-8th grade that my mom stopped letting me see her and heavily restricted our communication. She would forbid me from texting her one week and give me a slight window where I was allowed to weeks later. She would tell me weeks after the fact that my aunt had sent me a letter, or asked when my concert was, or tried to reach me in some way - keeping it from me until it was too late to actually reach out to her. My mom was also very jealous and got angry very easily - so I was constantly walking on eggshells and trying to appease her as best I could so she wouldn't cut more things/people away from me. I never knew the exact reason why - I asked but I'm pretty sure she just gave some non-answer and I didn't push it, but I don't fully remember.

It's like she hated me. And it ruined my self esteem and the way I interact with the world. There's always this little fear in the back of my mind, this need to have control over my favorite things, activities, and even relationships. I'm constantly cautious, more than I ever need to be.

 

[FFnerd]

How can I peel the curtain back on my life to others if I'm too scared to look behind it myself?
Until I was about 6-7, my family had lived in 4-5 places. It's a range because at one point before I started school my older brother and I lived with our grandma. Not our parents though, no clue where they were to this day - probably hustling to keep things afloat. When we were living with our parents we were usually left most weeknights/weekends with various friends and family of my parents. And generally these were happy/normal moments away from home, almost stable, even if where it was constantly changed. But I learned to make myself as small as possible, the least burdensome when I was around others. Our parents always told us to be good and not to make trouble for whoever was watching us for the day, I even remember getting in trouble with my mom for accepting "extra food" offered to us by our temporary caretakers. Because she had already fed us what she felt we needed for the time. So my older brother and I learned to keep quiet if food was offered to us, we would keep it to ourselves so we wouldn't get in trouble or opt ourselves out of any dinner later.
To skip ahead a bit, I carry this compulsion to be inconsequential if not useful to others deep in my psyche. I fight so hard to hide how vulnerable I really am, especially to people I care about - because if something goes south they could walk all over me and I just be stuck in my mindset as a child - someone who thought they deserved this, that this is just a fair compensation for putting up with having me in their life.
During that time I was also moved between 3 different schools, which added to a feeling of instability. I was socially stunted, no thanks to the isolation culture of my old 'church', the constant moving, and probable autism diagnosis. I basically didn't talk at school - so little that at my fourth school a rumor went around that I was mute.

No adult ever touched me inappropiately, which looking back on the many close calls - is a miracle. But, my older brother did. I hate remembering it, I was young and thought it was a funny game. So was he..so I just kind of hope he was just being a stupid kid too. Maybe I'm just scared to have another reason to cut ties with my family. I also miss him, even though we constantly fought after a certain point.

I don't even know, putting words together is hard