Death Cougar... and the past

[ms spock]

A lot of children and teenagers get many years of practice standing up for themselves. Learning to say no. Learning who is safe. Learning who is a fun friend. Learning who I can depend on. Learning who gets it right sometimes and not others.

I didn't get that practice so I am learning these skills now. For me I have found out that missing all those skills as a child and a teenager has left me without a whole range of skills. So it is practice, practice, practice. And I am really struggling with this.

I go to freeze and extreme fawn.

Just aside, you are harshly judging yourself as being too passive. You were using the best skills that you knew how to at the time.

If we don't have safe homes as children and teenagers we can't magically start using these skills as adults. That is not a useful or realistic expectation.

It really sucks.

If you do not have feet you can't tap dance. If you get some titanium prosthesis feet. Then you need to learn to stand, walk and skip before you can even think of tap dancing.

Maybe write all what you want to say? You don't have to send it. Sometimes I be by myself and yell stuff out.

You fought off a cougar so give yourself a break and space. Perhaps a Kristen Neff's Self Compassion Break which are free on her website.

As always take what is useful and ignore the rest.

 

[Movingforward10]

I'm so sorry about the little cat. She sounded so adorable.
I:? Glad your neighbour is thankful and you can grieve together.
It's incredibly sad.


About your friend, maybe bringing it up in a polite way is okay. I'm sure she won't be intending for you to feel how you feel when she says things.
I always thought I communicated well but actually when it came to my feelings I realised I just did not explain anything. So whilst you have explained what happened to you, it sounds like you haven't explained how things impact you now? So you could do that and see how she is? People without trauma really really really do not get this stuff. They can learn though but we have to educate them.

 

[Guest for now]

I didn't get that practice so I am learning these skills now. For me I have found out that missing all those skills as a child and a teenager has left me without a whole range of skills. So it is practice, practice, practice. And I am really struggling with this.

I've read a bit of your current struggles in another thread. It's hard. I see what you mean.

If we don't have safe homes as children and teenagers we can't magically start using these skills as adults. That is not a useful or realistic expectation.

Yes. I've worked all this so much though. Trauma recovery has really been my career. Other work just puts food on the table.

Maybe write all what you want to say?

Good idea.

 

[Guest for now]

I always thought I communicated well but actually when it came to my feelings I realised I just did not explain anything.

It's astonishing, isn't it? There have been times I've gotten really explicit and left people stunned and realized like you say, they had no idea about things that to me seemed blatantly obvious.

I'm trying to figure out whether it's true that I haven't told my friend how I am still affected. I'm under the impression that I have, but maybe I need to go a step further and be very blunt about "and therefore, when you do X, I feel Y. So don't."

They can learn though but we have to educate them.

It's exhausting. Like living in a different world. I'm perplexed about why some people, when they hear about something bad happening, just keep repeating "that's how life is" as if that should mean people wouldn't have feelings about bad things. Basically, it seems to me a lot of people are emotional midgets.

I still feel traumatized, and now depression is setting in.

 

[Guest for now]

I need help. I will definitely be making some calls tomorrow.

 

[ms spock]

That's a wise decision.

 

[Guest for now]

Just venting in the middle of the night because I can't sleep because of this. I had an acupuncture treatment a couple of weeks ago and it helped my sleep a lot, and now this came along and ruined it again. At least I see her again this week, hopefully she can help again. It's so frustrating how life after trauma feels like one step forward and two steps back.

All the typical symptoms... hypervigilance, intrusive thoughts, insomnia, lack of concentration, depression, pain and headaches from tension...lions and tigers and bears, oh my... in this case, literally, because there are also bears in the area going after seasonal fruit. This year for some reason there is no fruit in the mountains. At least we don't have tigers.

For some reason I have never had much trouble with nightmares. I have been working with my dreams for some time as a healing modality but for some reason since this incident I don't remember many dreams, as if they were snatched away as soon as I wake up. It's very disorienting.

I got some valerian and such that help during the day but not so much at night.

Gossip is starting to spread around town about this, and people are getting it wrong, in some cases apparently on purpose which really messes with me. Some people are sympathetic and others are like vultures wanting juicy gossip at the expense of other people's feelings. I hate that. I'll have to just tell some people "we are not going to talk about this."

Uggh.

 

[Guest for now]

Well, I managed to book an online session with a woman who does somatic experiencing, but that's not for another two and a half weeks. I also talked to the local community service centre (free) and they will set me up with someone. It feels like all this takes a lot of time, when you're in crisis. It's not like you can plan your crises ahead so someone will be available.

I keep trying to bring myself into the present, noticing certain colours or sounds. I can manage a facsimile of meditation for a few minutes at a time. But mostly I'm lost, staring into space, wandering around, not knowing what to do with myself. Shame comes up, too, as I think how so many people would tell me I should just get over it. I know that's not realistic but I feel it anyway, and it's isolating.

Intrusive thoughts about the trauma come up all the time, that little mutilated face, the monster outside my door, how she was almost weightless in my arms as I tried to find someone to help us, how I wish I had insisted on going along so someone would have been holding her when she died... it feels like a long time to wait for help. I know anyone reading this knows what that feels like.

That sweet kitty taught me so much about love. I will love her till the end of time.

 

[Guest for now]

I wish I could have a kitten. That would heal my heart more than anything. But even though my landlords would allow it, I live in a studio apartment and couldn't give it a good life.

 

[ms spock]

Thinking of you @Guest for now.

You are still in a terrible shock. Please give yourself a break.

I don't know where you are in your healing journey.

This helps me, it might not be for you. Just a suggestion.

 

[Guest for now]

Thanks. Rocking helps the most. I have a rocking chair at my computer for that reason. Put there during the last retraumatizing event I went through.

I think different parts of me are experiencing this in different ways. Simultaneously. Very young parts feel abandoned and scared of the dark.

Someone told me today the cougar could have torn my face off, that they usually would not turn and run like that. That's my protector part. It projects an aura of "don't you dare hurt someone I love." I have a hard time relating to what could have happened. Only to what did. That was more than bad enough.

In some cultures after a major event like this a person would change their name. Something to acknowledge how big it was and refocus from trauma to courage. This changed me. I won't be the same. Not sure exactly how but I won't be the same.

 

[Movingforward10]

I love that in some cultures you would change your name to recognise what happened. That sounds beautiful.

Yeah, that's the problem of crisis and mental health support: you have to wait.

What you went through would impact anyone regardless of PTSD or not. With PTSD, this incident has triggered the past trauma and you are now dealing with both difficult things at once.

Whilst it's so hard at the moment, you sound very aware of yourself, what you need, what you are feeling, and how to practice self care whilst you wait for professional support. You are further along the healing journey than maybe you think or it might feel at the moment.

The wait until therapy these next two 1/2 weeks, may not be as torturous as it is right now. Every day your feelings may change as you practice your self care and grounding.