Death Cougar... and the past

[ms spock]

A lot of children and teenagers get many years of practice standing up for themselves. Learning to say no. Learning who is safe. Learning who is a fun friend. Learning who I can depend on. Learning who gets it right sometimes and not others.

I didn't get that practice so I am learning these skills now. For me I have found out that missing all those skills as a child and a teenager has left me without a whole range of skills. So it is practice, practice, practice. And I am really struggling with this.

I go to freeze and extreme fawn.

Just aside, you are harshly judging yourself as being too passive. You were using the best skills that you knew how to at the time.

If we don't have safe homes as children and teenagers we can't magically start using these skills as adults. That is not a useful or realistic expectation.

It really sucks.

If you do not have feet you can't tap dance. If you get some titanium prosthesis feet. Then you need to learn to stand, walk and skip before you can even think of tap dancing.

Maybe write all what you want to say? You don't have to send it. Sometimes I be by myself and yell stuff out.

You fought off a cougar so give yourself a break and space. Perhaps a Kristen Neff's Self Compassion Break which are free on her website.

As always take what is useful and ignore the rest.

 

[Movingforward10]

I'm so sorry about the little cat. She sounded so adorable.
I:? Glad your neighbour is thankful and you can grieve together.
It's incredibly sad.


About your friend, maybe bringing it up in a polite way is okay. I'm sure she won't be intending for you to feel how you feel when she says things.
I always thought I communicated well but actually when it came to my feelings I realised I just did not explain anything. So whilst you have explained what happened to you, it sounds like you haven't explained how things impact you now? So you could do that and see how she is? People without trauma really really really do not get this stuff. They can learn though but we have to educate them.

 

[Guest for now]

I didn't get that practice so I am learning these skills now. For me I have found out that missing all those skills as a child and a teenager has left me without a whole range of skills. So it is practice, practice, practice. And I am really struggling with this.

I've read a bit of your current struggles in another thread. It's hard. I see what you mean.

If we don't have safe homes as children and teenagers we can't magically start using these skills as adults. That is not a useful or realistic expectation.

Yes. I've worked all this so much though. Trauma recovery has really been my career. Other work just puts food on the table.

Maybe write all what you want to say?

Good idea.

 

[Guest for now]

I always thought I communicated well but actually when it came to my feelings I realised I just did not explain anything.

It's astonishing, isn't it? There have been times I've gotten really explicit and left people stunned and realized like you say, they had no idea about things that to me seemed blatantly obvious.

I'm trying to figure out whether it's true that I haven't told my friend how I am still affected. I'm under the impression that I have, but maybe I need to go a step further and be very blunt about "and therefore, when you do X, I feel Y. So don't."

They can learn though but we have to educate them.

It's exhausting. Like living in a different world. I'm perplexed about why some people, when they hear about something bad happening, just keep repeating "that's how life is" as if that should mean people wouldn't have feelings about bad things. Basically, it seems to me a lot of people are emotional midgets.

I still feel traumatized, and now depression is setting in.