I don't really know how to start this, but I am just so tired.
I’ve spent my entire life dealing with lifelong abuse and control from my family. I had to fight so hard just to survive every single day with no safety net, no friends, and literally no one in my corner. Because of that lifelong isolation, loneliness doesn't just feel sad it feels like a physical threat, like I'm suffocating.
For the last 6 years, I chased love desperately. Not because I wanted to use people or hurt anyone, especially since I know what abuse feels like. But love was literally the only thing keeping me alive. It was the only proof I had that I mattered or was safe.
Then I met him. In the beginning, he played the part so well. He did everything I wanted without me even having to ask, anticipating things and making it seem like he was right there with me. Honestly, the only thing that felt a little off at first were that he gave off major "man-child" vibes, which was a huge turn-off, but I thought past that because he seemed so attentive.
But it was all a complete performance. Once we actually got together, the mask slipped.
He let his mom completely control his life. He had zero backbone and was too cowardly to stand up for anything. Whenever real life or conflict happened, he would run away, twist reality, and play the absolute victim. He honestly convinced himself that he never hurt anyone, while I was left standing there taking the heavy weight of it all.
Seeing how he operated made me look in the mirror at my own life, and it hurts so much. I feel like I never even had the time to fix my past because I was just too busy trying to survive. I carry this heavy baggage, and I constantly worry that I'm "too much" for people.
How can I be better? I genuinely don’t know how to stop this cycle of flashbacks and panic attacks. I am trying my best to distract myself but after some time I can’t and it ruins me. I feel like I can’t escape from myself. I am stuck alone again and it terrifies me.
I’ve spent my entire life dealing with lifelong abuse and control from my family. I had to fight so hard just to survive every single day with no safety net, no friends, and literally no one in my corner. Because of that lifelong isolation, loneliness doesn't just feel sad it feels like a physical threat, like I'm suffocating.
For the last 6 years, I chased love desperately. Not because I wanted to use people or hurt anyone, especially since I know what abuse feels like. But love was literally the only thing keeping me alive. It was the only proof I had that I mattered or was safe.
Then I met him. In the beginning, he played the part so well. He did everything I wanted without me even having to ask, anticipating things and making it seem like he was right there with me. Honestly, the only thing that felt a little off at first were that he gave off major "man-child" vibes, which was a huge turn-off, but I thought past that because he seemed so attentive.
But it was all a complete performance. Once we actually got together, the mask slipped.
He let his mom completely control his life. He had zero backbone and was too cowardly to stand up for anything. Whenever real life or conflict happened, he would run away, twist reality, and play the absolute victim. He honestly convinced himself that he never hurt anyone, while I was left standing there taking the heavy weight of it all.
Seeing how he operated made me look in the mirror at my own life, and it hurts so much. I feel like I never even had the time to fix my past because I was just too busy trying to survive. I carry this heavy baggage, and I constantly worry that I'm "too much" for people.
How can I be better? I genuinely don’t know how to stop this cycle of flashbacks and panic attacks. I am trying my best to distract myself but after some time I can’t and it ruins me. I feel like I can’t escape from myself. I am stuck alone again and it terrifies me.
