Sadielady3's Diary

Sadielady3

Confident
Today was the IOP group. It was pretty good I guess, not as amazing as last week. I asked the question this week of how to keep going with therapy when it's getting hard. According to Google, it's common for people to want to quit when it gets hard so I thought maybe someone else would have been through it and had tips for getting through. This ended up as a conversation with how to hold yourself accountable. I know it was the only reasonable answer to give. I guess I've known all along that the feelings are just something I have to weather. And it all comes down to whether or not I'm willing to make that level of commitment to myself. I honestly don't know. I don't know if I'm worth it. And it's this belief right here that keeps me in fear mode.

Before group tonight I was telling my friend that I still wanted to quit therapy. She made me tell her when my appointments are and put them in her phone. She told me that if I don't go, she'll drive up and kick my butt. I'm definitely more afraid of angry L than I am of my therapist. She is a formidable woman...

I feel pathetic in a way to need support with something that most would consider basic adulting. I'm just about 40 years old- shouldn't I just be able to do the thing I need to do at this point? Suck it up and be an adult? It's a little bit humiliating and definitely humbling. Just like my students who have goals and supports in certain areas that they are not performing at age level, I guess I just need that right now. Something in my brain isn't correct and until I can learn that skill or adapt to become more independent, I just need that support. And if I'm being 100% honest, I think in L's case specifically, she'd rather have something like that to actually do to help me than to just listen all the time.
 

Sadielady3

Confident
Well, I went to group therapy tonight. Not a lot of people were there, maybe due to the election. I spend a lot of time in either of my groups worrying about talking too much. It finally happened that I was shushed tonight. My T was nice about it but for some reason, I still feel like crap.

I didn't really get any school work done today. I feel like crap about it. My husband thinks it's good for me to take a day off. I've been taking too much time away from my work though.

I deeply regret getting L on my case about going to therapy. I feel like crap about it today after getting shushed. This transference thing is complete crap. I rationally know my T isn't mad- he was even joking around about me buying everyone pillows (I get quite comfy during therapy sessions these days). If the other T that runs my other group would have shushed me, I wouldn't have thought twice about it. I really hate being afraid of my T. I genuinely like him. The work I've accomplished with him has been really good. People see a difference in me. But I suppose I just wouldn't be me without screwing up a good thing.
 

Sadielady3

Confident
Today was a busy day. I was supposed to get observed this morning but my administrator forgot about me. I'm trying not to take it personally.

All day long kids were bugging me about their grades (everyone wants an A). I kept telling them to see me after class so we could talk. They all just left. Trying not to take that personally as well.

I talked to my mom today. I'm becoming more and more increasingly aware of her toxicity. She started the call by asking me what was new. Considering all I pretty much do anymore is therapy and work, not much to tell there. So I told her I was just busy with work. I can't actually talk to her about the things that are really going on with me. Then she asked me to hold on for a minute so that she could turn the TV down. She said that she had expected me to talk for longer and that she wanted to make sure I could hear her well. That made me feel great. She then proceeded to blather on and on about the election. I told her at least three times that I don't like talking about politics and that it makes me anxious. She ignored me and continued to talk over me about it. Then L was calling me and I kept trying to tell my mom that I had to go for a work call (I didn't know if it was or not but could have been, sometimes it is) and she just kept getting louder and ignoring me. Finally I yelled into the phone that I had another call and had to go, bye, and switched calls.

I had had a busy day. I had been trying to decompress a little before getting back to work when she called me. All that call did was make me feel more miserable and invisible.

I told L to stay on top of me, no matter what I say. It's easy to feel like I don't matter to myself after a day like today and maybe if I can't matter to myself, I need to matter to someone else.
 

Sadielady3

Confident
I was having a good day. I really was. I was laughing and joking with my students and getting things done. Then the random thoughts that creep in when I've spent too long focusing on too many things started to creep in.

I talked to L for a long while. She got at the root of the issue after a long discussion on what's bothering me which is that I don't believe I'm a good person. It started with the pervasive thoughts that my therapist secretly hates me. Why wouldn't he? He only gets to see the bad sides of me. I've been pretty high maintenance, especially lately. I wasted his time for months not really sharing things I should have been sharing. And now, I'm just a mess.

In real life, I'm different. I wear a different mask. People think I'm this compassionate, loving, funny, intelligent person. While some of that is inherently true, I'm not really sure how compassionate I really am. I sometimes think that I care about others just to fulfill this need to have value. I do good things for others and it makes me an okay person to have stick around. I'm funny and crack jokes with people because it brings them happiness and laughter. I'm not sure that I naturally have those things or that they're really a part of me, just skills and acts I've developed over the years.

She challenged me on my T disliking me. She posed the question of whether or not it matters. It's an interesting question to me. In a sense, it is irrelevant. He's getting paid to do a job and his personal feelings towards me don't matter if he can do the job effectively regardless. And I think it is possible to care about someone that you don't like. I know I care about all of my students whether I like them or not. Generally I like all of the kids because I see goodness in all of them, even if it is a little buried beneath a lot of bullshit. But I have had a few occasions where I had students I just cannot stand but I still cared about them. I still did my best to teach and help them where I could. But I really wasn't sad to see them go.

In a different sense, it does matter. Therapy, with all of the similarities to teaching, is not the same. I don't sit in a room with those few students I don't like trying to help them on deeply personal stuff. And if my T hates me now, how much more disgust and contempt will he feel towards me when he sees the monster inside of me? I was an unlovable child, what makes me think I grew up to be anything else? My mother was perfectly capable of loving my little brother but not me. My brother did a lot more shady stuff when we were kids than I ever did but he was still the one she loved. It's can't be about behavior solely. There's just something wrong about me.

So, what right do I have to waste this poor man's time to try to fix the unfixable? I am not a good person, only a person who does good things. I think that they are inherently different. There is no rational reason that he would like me- I'm high maintenance, not terribly interesting, and not terribly likable. Him getting paid doesn't justify him wasting his time on me when he could be helping someone more deserving or someone he at least likes more or someone who could maybe get better. If I can't think of a single reason why he should keep me as a client, do I really have the right to continue wasting his time?
 

Freida

Sponsor
Him getting paid doesn't justify him wasting his time on me
I think this is pretty unfair to him. You have decided what he thinks about you and that the only reason he has decided to go forward as your therapist is that he gets paid for it.

That's pretty harsh,

What has he done to make you think those things? Because if it's true that hes only in it for the money he must be a pretty crappy therapist for all his clients - not just you.
 

ladee

MyPTSD Pro
What you are forgetting in this equation, is this man has rights too. He can tell you that this is not working and refer you to someone else. And T's never see us as we see ourselves. That is what makes them good at what they do.

And how about this, instead of driving yourself crazy, why don't you just ask him. You know when one of your students is lying and you will be able to tell if he is just tolerating you or if he really wants to help you.

Sometimes people think or feel that our Ts should come with a 'friend zone' part of them. I liked a T that was somewhat clinical because I knew I couldn't bullshit my way with them. That if I was told a truth about myself from their perspective then I needed to pay attention. Not because they liked or didn't like me, but because I was paying them for a service to help me get my life going.

I don't know how long you've been seeing this T, but it takes time to form a 'relationship' with them. I think people confuse them 'liking us' with thinking they are 'judging us'. There is a difference.

I'm sorry you are having this debate with yourself. Because you feel the way you do about yourself is why you started therapy. Give him a chance to help you learn how to care about yourself. Because until you commit to healing, you will have this same internal conversation with every T you have in the future.

Ts do have choices. And even if he couldn't stand you, he would have a moral obligationt to help you find someone that you can work with.

I understand your feelings. I was the scapegoat of the family and that is where my oriiginal self worth was formed. But I wanted answers. If I really was that easy to hate then I needed to see if I could fix that, or just accept that I was a worthless human taking up space.

But it turned out that yes, I had things about my personality that needed work to be more social. But those T's also helped me to see some deep good truths about myself.

I wish you well with this. I once told my favorite T 'ok, I'm ready to do the work. I have wasted time watching you watching me'. She smiled. She knew what I was doing and why. But she gave me a chance to figure that out. She helped me lay a very solid foundation for my healing journey.

Give your T and yourself a chance and see what happens. And ask him if this keeps bothering you.
 

Sadielady3

Confident
What has he done to make you think those things? Because if it's true that hes only in it for the money he must be a pretty crappy therapist for all his clients - not just you.
I don't actually think he's in it for the money. There's a lot of easier jobs out there that make more money, if we're being honest, than being a therapist. I don't do things for my students just because I get paid for it. I genuinely enjoy helping them. It's probably the same for him. Also, my T works for a somewhat large HMO. He gets paid whether I'm there or not. In truth, I'm not even really a paycheck for him.

He hasn't done anything to make me think these thoughts. I just rationally concluded that he couldn't possibly like me. There are zero reasons why he would like me. I also really believe that I can't get better. So, if he can't help me and doesn't like me, how can I justify using up his time? He could be spending his time working with someone that is more satisfying to work with. It makes me pretty selfish to stay. He's actually a far better therapist than someone like me deserves.
 

Sadielady3

Confident
What you are forgetting in this equation, is this man has rights too. He can tell you that this is not working and refer you to someone else. And T's never see us as we see ourselves. That is what makes them good at what they do.
Yeah, I definitely don't think he sees me clearly. I think I've put on a pretty good show for him for months.

Sometimes people think or feel that our Ts should come with a 'friend zone' part of them. I liked a T that was somewhat clinical because I knew I couldn't bullshit my way with them. That if I was told a truth about myself from their perspective then I needed to pay attention. Not because they liked or didn't like me, but because I was paying them for a service to help me get my life going.

I can see the logic behind this. My T practices person-centered therapy. We've never discussed it but I saw it in his bio on the HMOs webpage. When I looked up person-centered therapy, it seemed in line with how he practices. I'm unsure if a more clinical approach would work better for me- I could see that going either way. I think I might need the warm caring environment to feel comfortable enough to open up. My last T was more clinical and in two and a half years she got next to nothing out of me but I was always convinced she hated me and was judging me for whining too much. I was very disinclined to share my inner thoughts as a result.

I don't know how long you've been seeing this T, but it takes time to form a 'relationship' with them. I think people confuse them 'liking us' with thinking they are 'judging us'. There is a difference.

I've been seeing this T once per month for nine months. Sort of. He's also the T that runs one of the therapy groups I'm in so I see him weekly for that. I do think you're right about the liking vs judging though. I worry a lot about him not believing me. It's hard for me to tell him things. I don't have any delusions that we're friends or that our relationship will continue beyond our time together in therapy. I'm actually okay with that- he fills a certain role in my life and when the journey is complete, we part ways. I grow attached to my students every year and genuinely love and care about them but we're not friends and when the year is over, we part ways. I do hear from a select few very occasionally but most leave my room and move on to the next teacher or graduate. It's the nature of the relationship.

I'm sorry you are having this debate with yourself. Because you feel the way you do about yourself is why you started therapy. Give him a chance to help you learn how to care about yourself. Because until you commit to healing, you will have this same internal conversation with every T you have in the future.

This ^^^^ is completely right. Knowing that I think I'm worthless isn't why I started therapy. I started therapy because my mental health had taken a sharp turn for the worse last year. I should have been in therapy long before I went back the last time. But the underlying cause is the fact that I hate myself. I spend a lot of time and energy battling negative messages my brain sends out. I know that committing to healing is what I need to do and it's what I really want to do. But I'm worried that going down this path will make me worse. When I discover that my deepest fear, that I am truly beyond redemption, is true, well, then what? Right now I just believe it is true but proving it to myself will be the beginning of the end for me. In truth, I know that none of my thoughts are really about my T. I know my brain is deeply scared of how real some of this is going to get and is trying to come up with any way out of it. And I know you're right- any T I would move on to work with is going to cause the same internal, self-defeating discussion.
 

ladee

MyPTSD Pro
And what you are doing is called 'projection'. You are projecting on to this unsuspecting man that he feels the same way about you as you feel about yourself. It simply isn't true. You haven't shared enough for him to dislike you. And we are sharing about the pain that caused us to feel this way about ourselves. And yes, it's going to hurt. It gets worse before it gets better. No one here will lie to you about that part.

But here's the dilemma. You are still going to hurt whether you are working on yourself or not. At least healing work, even tho it hurts, gets us places we never dreamed we could feel about ourselves.

And you said yourself, your other T, you felt the same way about and didn't open up and share. And are doing the same thing with this one. And you are smart enough to know it's not about the T. It's about you either making the commitment, one office visit at a time to get this journey going.

No one is going to ask you to give up all that unhealed misery. It's yours to do with what you wish. But so many people on this site are going thru hell right now, doing the healing work. Myself included. And we come here and share and get support and validation. This is the largest group therapy you will ever encounter. And it's free. With people that understand.

I hope you pick yourself thru all this. I just looked at it like I had nothing to lose and everything to gain. If I found out I was beyond help, then I would make choices accordingly. But it wasn't going to know unless I tried.

Good luck and hope things get more clear for you and you are able to help yourself to get better.
 

Sadielady3

Confident
@ladee , I know you're right. I know I'm at the beginning of this and that it's going to get worse. I know I'm being a whiny baby and I have no right to be as upset as I am.
I know none of this is about my T. I teach math for a living and he's just a variable, a stand in. I could start over with a new T and make the journey easy again for awhile but if that new T was also a good fit, I'd find myself right back to where I am now. The only two options are to quit altogether or find a T I don't really connect to but in the end, I won't be getting anything done.

I want to pick myself up and get better. I do. I'm just not sure I'm strong enough to do it. I'm stumbling a lot right now. Trying to do this during a pandemic where any sense of normalcy is gone and all that exists are these four walls is affecting my judgment right now as well. Not saying it would be easy or that I'd be a rockstar about all of this but I think I'd dwell on it less and have an easier time making the choices I need to make. Less time to dwell in the bog of my emotions.
 

ladee

MyPTSD Pro
You are not being a whiny baby. You are scared like the rest of us when we first start on this journey. And to keep in mind, that your concerns about doing this during the pandemic, we all are doing this during the pandemic. I do understand your fears.

But you do have a voice. Be honest with your T. Tell him what you've been sharing with us. Let him know that you are afraid of being overwhelmed. That gives him an opportunity to give you some grounding exercises to do. Our T's can only give us the best care and help if we are honest with them. I'm not saying your deepest pain, your everyday fears.

They are not mind readers. It will help you to feel more in control of how your process goes. Tell him you would like for him to lay out a working plan or ask him what he had in mind. It may take a little time, a few visits to set some direction, but if you don't tell him, he can't help you.

If he's a good T he isn't going to push you into overload. But he has to know what your concerns and limitations are. Give both of you a chance. This is a long long process. And yes, some of it is going to hurt to relive it and share it. But you don't have to do that part right now.

It's important to keep in mind that everyone on this forum is struggling. Have you read any of the threads? Maybe some that resonate with some of your issues or concerns? This is a huge resource that is invaluable to so many of us.

Take some time to look around and see how many people here feel and think the same way you do. It really helps to know we are not alone.

You being honest with yourself is the first step. Just do the best you can. You might be amazed at what you are capable of facing and healing.

All the best to you.
 

Freida

Sponsor
I just rationally concluded that he couldn't possibly like me.
Nope - you emotionally concluded he couldn't like you. For it to be rational there has to be some kind of fact behind it. And you said yourself he hasn't given you any reason to think this.

I think this is a conversation you should have with him - along the lines of "why do I think people who are trying to help me don't like me?" Yep - it's a sucky one to even think about having. But it might help you figure out how your brain is taking his reactions and translating them into a negative. Then you can take those skills and apply them to other people in your life.

Just a thought....
 
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