Six Ways to be The Persecutory Therapist *cue the thunder and lightning*

[ms spock]

The one thing that my psychiatrist was really good at was helping my keep BS alive and navigating his complex health problems through multiple specialists and medical systems. What words to use to get the important tests to be done. How to make sure all his hernias didn't go off with those consequences.

She got angry at me for not insisting that BS did exercise every day. She told me to be like a Sargent Major. I could not do this. She hammered on me for months about that. It was such a waste of therapy time.

I cannot control BS.

 

[ms spock]

I have tried I have put the effort in.

I realised that I was not making progress with my psychiatrist. So I took courses, read books and did a ton of other things.

I enrolled in a Diploma in Counselling and a Masters degree in Counselling because I thought if I could learn to communicate her way maybe I could communicate in a way my psychiatrist would hear.

I went to see a trauma informed counsellor.

When I started with my trauma informed counsellor. Her approach was the opposite to my psychiatrist's approach.

My trauma informed counsellor wanted me to be and connect with my body.

She talked a lot about our relationship so I could be honest with her.

She let B me email her. We have a connection.

She wanted me to stop doing all the courses I was doing. There were a few not available in Australia so I would get up at 3am in the morning to do them. Or 2am or 5am.

Not good for sleep hygiene but I was desperately seeking to be understood.

I was desperately trying to get things together.

I felt so terribly guilty for resting. So I didn't tell my psychiatrist because I just couldn't cope with her criticisms, denigration and attitude I was being lazy for not doing more. I did really try but I couldn't do things that I couldn't do.

And bit by bit with my trauma informed counsellor and I have connected, and bit by bit I connected to myself.

I just can't tolerate any more disdain from my psychiatrist.

I don't think my psychiatrist understood that if you are so profoundly dissociated into a lot of your bparts, that you can't feel yourself, it doesn't matter how much you do or run around. You don't make progress. Because you aren't there. Or only one part of you is there.

I was not lazy. I am not lazy. I really put effort into my recovery.