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- #49
Sadielady3
MyPTSD Pro
Well, therapy starts in about forty minutes. I definitely feel my level of panic rising. I hope the conversation today is good and I can find at least a little more peace with therapy. My next appointment is a month away- that's a lot of time left on my own to think.
I had an agenda for the meeting. But I think I might want to change it. I still want to open with the funny story I had to tell him. That's a nice ease in for me and it's relevant to what I want to talk about. I still want to talk about what I should do between sessions if I'm spiraling and not coming out of it using the few meager tools I do have. I can't email him due to privacy issues and I don't want to rely on going to the Urgent Care therapist all of the time. I'm hoping he might have some other ideas. I still want to talk about my experience with being committed and how being committed is a big fear of mine. I think maybe a discussion around that might help to alleviate some of my fears.
Then I was going to talk about my issues with S but I think that's not the right place to start. I think my T was right- I need to get okay with the therapy space before I can dig into things. Anytime I try to talk about anything emotional, I start tearing up. While I know therapists are virtually all okay with seeing tears, it shuts me down. I just can't be that vulnerable with him. How on earth do I expect to have real in-depth conversations with him if I'm worried about what I might uncover or if I keep shutting down? I have no idea how to build this type of trust with him through the transference. I sincerely hope he's got this one.
Well, I've mused long enough. I feel good about my topics. Who knows what I might actually wind up saying since my brain has been all over the place lately. But I'm going to go to therapy today and I'm trying to go into it willing to do work on things that I really think matter. That's the best I can do right now.
I had an agenda for the meeting. But I think I might want to change it. I still want to open with the funny story I had to tell him. That's a nice ease in for me and it's relevant to what I want to talk about. I still want to talk about what I should do between sessions if I'm spiraling and not coming out of it using the few meager tools I do have. I can't email him due to privacy issues and I don't want to rely on going to the Urgent Care therapist all of the time. I'm hoping he might have some other ideas. I still want to talk about my experience with being committed and how being committed is a big fear of mine. I think maybe a discussion around that might help to alleviate some of my fears.
Then I was going to talk about my issues with S but I think that's not the right place to start. I think my T was right- I need to get okay with the therapy space before I can dig into things. Anytime I try to talk about anything emotional, I start tearing up. While I know therapists are virtually all okay with seeing tears, it shuts me down. I just can't be that vulnerable with him. How on earth do I expect to have real in-depth conversations with him if I'm worried about what I might uncover or if I keep shutting down? I have no idea how to build this type of trust with him through the transference. I sincerely hope he's got this one.
Well, I've mused long enough. I feel good about my topics. Who knows what I might actually wind up saying since my brain has been all over the place lately. But I'm going to go to therapy today and I'm trying to go into it willing to do work on things that I really think matter. That's the best I can do right now.