Sadielady3's Diary

ladee

MyPTSD Pro
Beautiful flowers. And happy birthday a day early!!

I went to many jobs and was very good at what I did. And no one knew what a train wreck I was inside. Some people I got to meet on jobs, I soon learned I wasn't the only one who had a 'work persona'. We never know what's going on with others, not unless they tell us. Or we ask.

Your purpose, teaching, is what keeps you moving forward Sadie. Without purpose, we are pretty much doomed. So congrats on the teacher of the month!!! Those kids know real when they see it.
 

Kittie

Confident
I talked to L about how I was feeling. Despite having taught herself now for 16 years, she often feels like a fraud too. Maybe my feelings about my teaching abilities are more normal than I thought.

Since tomorrow is my birthday, L sent me some beautiful flowers. She said she wanted to do something for me that would make me smile. I truly don't deserve the friends that I have.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

I understand many people are their own worst critic (true for me!)...as well as assuming the negativity in others' view of ourselves, which may not be there, but the feeling is a product of how we see ourselves through our own eyes.

Congrats on your accomplishments!
 

Sadielady3

Confident
Well, I resisted the urge to look at my school email most of the day. That's a pretty solid accomplishment. I did not do any actual work today.

My husband bought me some sushi, some chips and my favorite dip, my favorite cake (vanilla with buttercream frosting- I'm quite boring this way, lol) from my favorite store, and is out getting me Indian food from my favorite Indian restaurant.

My mother has been playing games all day. She kept posting on social media about it being different celebrities birthdays but said nothing to me. I ignored her. She eventually called. Although she did keep trying to steer the conversation back to politics, she wasn't as bad as the last time. I did manage to keep the conversation under two hours, which is pretty good as well. She did get snippy with me about how I was bragging about having a good husband and how I was rubbing it in her face though. She also didn't understand why I wasn't going out for my birthday. Um, Covid mom. Says the woman who won't spend Thanksgiving with her son and his family because of Covid.

Overall, a pretty peaceful and relaxing birthday. Honestly, even without the pandemic restrictions, this suits me just fine. Time to start my 40s.
 

Sadielady3

Confident
I had my first guitar lesson today. It was nice to see an old friend. He asked me what I wanted to play. I told him I just want to play the guitar. So, he's taking advantage of my opera background and having me start with some classical guitar music. He probably doesn't get to teach classical guitar music very often and honestly, I'm good with it. Overall, I did okay. He's going to send me the music to practice throughout the week. It'll be cool to have a positive project to work on when I have spare time, especially with only working two days this week. I always get a bit nervous crossing over the birthday threshold, not because I am getting older (I'm fine with that) but because it's the landmark I use to measure time as the year progresses. My birthday means Thanksgiving and then Christmas. The holidays get rough for me, so many bad memories.
 

Sadielady3

Confident
I've been really conflicted lately and I've been musing about something for a few days. I'm going to see if writing about it helps me work this out. I want to take a break from the group therapy run by my T. I've been really angry at my T since Wednesday because he was nice to me. I've been questioning the authenticity of the relationship for a long time and him going out of his way to be supportive just feels so wrong. It's completely irrational but it's how I feel at the moment. I'm wondering if some space might give me some time to process out some of these feelings without adding more to the pile or intensifying the ones I have.

On the positive side of this, I still have another group therapy to attend to keep going with my issues. Generally, I find that group more beneficial in helping me get some real work done on my personal issues. It's a lot less intense though and maybe easing up is okay sometimes. The gift of time does tend to do wonders for me- it allows the irrational side of me to lose steam and allows rationality to gain control back. I truly want to work with the T I have. The last therapy session I had really showed me that he can handle me and has a good grip on how to help me. I don't want to screw this up and maybe taking the time will keep me from screwing this whole thing up.

I don't know the best way to handle this transference- does more time together help it lessen or would some distance and a break help mitigate the effects? The internet has been of no help on this.

On the negative side of this, I might lose steam. Once you get out of the habit of doing something, sometimes it's hard to get back into the habit. I go to this group every week so it's possible that my T will notice when I miss a couple of sessions and take it as a sign of me running away. I'm also not sure how to navigate doing this without it causing concern on his end. Originally, he questioned me attending two different therapy groups but lately he seems in favor of it. I'm not wildly out of control by any means but I've been struggling a lot emotionally for awhile and he knows that. I hate that he pays such close attention to me. Usually I like that he's the T for the group- I feel like it gives him different information than he gets from one-on-one sessions and, since I only see him once a month for individual therapy, it's probably helped that relationship grow a great deal.

I know I'm heading into my dark season and my instinct this time of year is to hide from everything and everyone. I am unsure if this is part of my thought process. On the one hand, cutting off a supportive resource is probably a bad idea. On the other hand, seeing someone I'm struggling with as well as being part of a chipper group of people might intensify the darkness. The loneliest moments of my life have been among people that I felt like I didn't fit in with. Those moments will break me faster than just spending the time alone.

Sometimes when I have these sorts of questions I try to ask myself what I would tell a friend in a similar situation to do. In this case, I honestly don't know. My husband isn't really sure either. My husband thinks that if I'm going to take a break that I should email my T about it. But I honestly feel like my T will push me to keep going. I think part of it is that my T sees me as a flight risk (and he may be a little bit right on that). Our last session is when he put an actual safety plan in place for me- I hadn't had one from him before that.

I feel like I've been failing at therapy a lot lately. I was doing fairly well, I think, with making some small gains until I remembered the trauma. I think I'm in a worse place now mentally than I was before I started seeing him last January. It makes logical sense for this to be okay. I had no way to know that 20 years of trauma were going to come up in October. I didn't know that working on the depression and anxiety issues were just a side quest and now I'm actually working on the main quest line- the one that will actually help me to progress. Perhaps getting to a place where I could even find the main story line again is what progress should be looking like for me. It feels awful though and like I'm going backwards somehow. I have no idea what my T's thoughts are on any of this. I just feel like he's paying a lot more attention to me these days. I'm not really used to anyone tuning in and watching me though. Honestly, I don't think I've ever had a therapist seem to care before and many have paid so little attention to me that they never picked up the clues that I was doing poorly. I was in therapy during both of my suicide attempts and my psychotic break. All three events were built up to and I was going to therapy weekly and no one noticed anything was wrong. He picks up on it when I'm struggling. It's like he sees right through me. It's both a blessing and a curse.
 

Kittie

Confident
I've been really conflicted lately and I've been musing about something for a few days. I'm going to see if writing about it helps me work this out. I want to take a break from the group therapy run by my T. I've been really angry at my T since Wednesday because he was nice to me. I've been questioning the authenticity of the relationship for a long time and him going out of his way to be supportive just feels so wrong. It's completely irrational but it's how I feel at the moment. I'm wondering if some space might give me some time to process out some of these feelings without adding more to the pile or intensifying the ones I have.

On the positive side of this, I still have another group therapy to attend to keep going with my issues. Generally, I find that group more beneficial in helping me get some real work done on my personal issues. It's a lot less intense though and maybe easing up is okay sometimes. The gift of time does tend to do wonders for me- it allows the irrational side of me to lose steam and allows rationality to gain control back. I truly want to work with the T I have. The last therapy session I had really showed me that he can handle me and has a good grip on how to help me. I don't want to screw this up and maybe taking the time will keep me from screwing this whole thing up.

I don't know the best way to handle this transference- does more time together help it lessen or would some distance and a break help mitigate the effects? The internet has been of no help on this.

On the negative side of this, I might lose steam. Once you get out of the habit of doing something, sometimes it's hard to get back into the habit. I go to this group every week so it's possible that my T will notice when I miss a couple of sessions and take it as a sign of me running away. I'm also not sure how to navigate doing this without it causing concern on his end. Originally, he questioned me attending two different therapy groups but lately he seems in favor of it. I'm not wildly out of control by any means but I've been struggling a lot emotionally for awhile and he knows that. I hate that he pays such close attention to me. Usually I like that he's the T for the group- I feel like it gives him different information than he gets from one-on-one sessions and, since I only see him once a month for individual therapy, it's probably helped that relationship grow a great deal.

I know I'm heading into my dark season and my instinct this time of year is to hide from everything and everyone. I am unsure if this is part of my thought process. On the one hand, cutting off a supportive resource is probably a bad idea. On the other hand, seeing someone I'm struggling with as well as being part of a chipper group of people might intensify the darkness. The loneliest moments of my life have been among people that I felt like I didn't fit in with. Those moments will break me faster than just spending the time alone.

Sometimes when I have these sorts of questions I try to ask myself what I would tell a friend in a similar situation to do. In this case, I honestly don't know. My husband isn't really sure either. My husband thinks that if I'm going to take a break that I should email my T about it. But I honestly feel like my T will push me to keep going. I think part of it is that my T sees me as a flight risk (and he may be a little bit right on that). Our last session is when he put an actual safety plan in place for me- I hadn't had one from him before that.

I feel like I've been failing at therapy a lot lately. I was doing fairly well, I think, with making some small gains until I remembered the trauma. I think I'm in a worse place now mentally than I was before I started seeing him last January. It makes logical sense for this to be okay. I had no way to know that 20 years of trauma were going to come up in October. I didn't know that working on the depression and anxiety issues were just a side quest and now I'm actually working on the main quest line- the one that will actually help me to progress. Perhaps getting to a place where I could even find the main story line again is what progress should be looking like for me. It feels awful though and like I'm going backwards somehow. I have no idea what my T's thoughts are on any of this. I just feel like he's paying a lot more attention to me these days. I'm not really used to anyone tuning in and watching me though. Honestly, I don't think I've ever had a therapist seem to care before and many have paid so little attention to me that they never picked up the clues that I was doing poorly. I was in therapy during both of my suicide attempts and my psychotic break. All three events were built up to and I was going to therapy weekly and no one noticed anything was wrong. He picks up on it when I'm struggling. It's like he sees right through me. It's both a blessing and a curse.
It's hard on the emotions to stay committed to therapy when it gets uncomfortable. If you find one who you're comfortable and who is tuned in to your feelings, I think it would be a plus...it means they truly care.

A lot hit you all at once out of the blue, that had to be hard. I like how you compared advice you'd give to a friend and apply it to yourself.

I can relate to feeling like a therapy failure...but you're not because you're still trying. Not giving up is a sign of success. It's a lot to sort out, be patient with yourself. It sounds like you're making progress, even if you don't feel it yet. Keep up the good work, it seems like you've come a long way!
 

Sadielady3

Confident
Tonight's IOP group was rough. The topic was self-care. I don't do well with this area and I know this but I figured it would be okay. One of the other people talked about how he lacks self-compassion. I spoke up and said that I do too. I recalled a conversation I had with my T back in September (or maybe it was August) where I told him I had the skills to be patient, compassionate, kind, and gentle; I use those skills for hours at a time a special education teacher. However, I can't be that way towards myself. My T looked at me and told me that this was a moral failing. It's definitely one of the comments my T has made that has really stuck with me. I also spoke about how I've been made at my T for about a week now because he sent me a nice email and that I know my thought process revolving around this is not right, who gets mad at someone for being nice to them? So many people in that group were nodding and agreeing with everything that I said.

Then X went on to list off a whole bunch of negative self-messages people like to tell themselves. It was like he could hear those voices in my head. I felt my anxiety rising and wound up having a full blown panic attack despite trying hard to ground. Hadn't had one in awhile so maybe I was just due for one.

The conversation after that turned mostly to parenting. X did call me out once on why we go to therapy when we especially don't want to. He said that when we are falling apart is when therapists most want to see us. They don't want to see us always rational and under control. I was sitting there thinking that I don't know if I can fully fall apart in front of my therapist. I don't think I trust him that much, as much as I see what a great T he is. X went on to say that it's those broken moments that make the commitment to therapy so incredibly important so that we don't hide from support when we genuinely need it the most. He talked about how the damage done to us before the age of seven is considered to be the most devastating and that it often lasts well into adulthood and is hard to recover from. I know my life turned really sour after I was eight when my dad moved out but I still have no happy memories from the times before I was seven either. I don't remember any hugs or bedtime stories. Mostly I was a sad, lonely, and overly serious little kid who spent most of her time at the library or in her room alone reading. I didn't relate well to other children at all. I don't remember any abuse from that time period but I don't remember any love either. I remember I didn't really need to tell my mom when I was leaving to ride down to the library or go anywhere else. I came and went as I pleased. That's probably not normal but I guess it was my normal.

Maybe someday I will learn how to accept and really feel love from other people. This would be a nice thing to get out of therapy.
 

mumstheword

MyPTSD Pro
I was that sad, lonely, frightened, hiding-in-the-library-and-in-a-book girl, too. I really empathise.

Maybe you can register how much patience there is for you? You have all the time you need to explore all your feelings and memories and experiences and find that love that there is for you.

The fact that have a job that allows you to be your kind, patient, helpful, supportive, loving self to your students who will and do, I'm sure thrive and are blessed to have you in their lives, demonstrates to me how much love you've already allowed into your life. In your own time, I'm sure you can and will turn that love inwards or realise that it's been there all along, under the hurt, and loneliness and sadness, because you already demonstrate in it your life to other's.

Just recognising that you do good, that you deserve recognition for that is, maybe, something to think about? Maybe? Just a suggestion.
 
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