Sadielady3's Diary

[ladee]

Beautiful flowers. And happy birthday a day early!!

I went to many jobs and was very good at what I did. And no one knew what a train wreck I was inside. Some people I got to meet on jobs, I soon learned I wasn't the only one who had a 'work persona'. We never know what's going on with others, not unless they tell us. Or we ask.

Your purpose, teaching, is what keeps you moving forward Sadie. Without purpose, we are pretty much doomed. So congrats on the teacher of the month!!! Those kids know real when they see it.

 

[Kittie]

I talked to L about how I was feeling. Despite having taught herself now for 16 years, she often feels like a fraud too. Maybe my feelings about my teaching abilities are more normal than I thought.

Since tomorrow is my birthday, L sent me some beautiful flowers. She said she wanted to do something for me that would make me smile. I truly don't deserve the friends that I have.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

I understand many people are their own worst critic (true for me!)...as well as assuming the negativity in others' view of ourselves, which may not be there, but the feeling is a product of how we see ourselves through our own eyes.

Congrats on your accomplishments!

 

[Sadielady3]

Well, I resisted the urge to look at my school email most of the day. That's a pretty solid accomplishment. I did not do any actual work today.

My husband bought me some sushi, some chips and my favorite dip, my favorite cake (vanilla with buttercream frosting- I'm quite boring this way, lol) from my favorite store, and is out getting me Indian food from my favorite Indian restaurant.

My mother has been playing games all day. She kept posting on social media about it being different celebrities birthdays but said nothing to me. I ignored her. She eventually called. Although she did keep trying to steer the conversation back to politics, she wasn't as bad as the last time. I did manage to keep the conversation under two hours, which is pretty good as well. She did get snippy with me about how I was bragging about having a good husband and how I was rubbing it in her face though. She also didn't understand why I wasn't going out for my birthday. Um, Covid mom. Says the woman who won't spend Thanksgiving with her son and his family because of Covid.

Overall, a pretty peaceful and relaxing birthday. Honestly, even without the pandemic restrictions, this suits me just fine. Time to start my 40s.

 

[Survivor3]

Hi @Sadielady3 Happy birthday to you .

 

[Sadielady3]

I had my first guitar lesson today. It was nice to see an old friend. He asked me what I wanted to play. I told him I just want to play the guitar. So, he's taking advantage of my opera background and having me start with some classical guitar music. He probably doesn't get to teach classical guitar music very often and honestly, I'm good with it. Overall, I did okay. He's going to send me the music to practice throughout the week. It'll be cool to have a positive project to work on when I have spare time, especially with only working two days this week. I always get a bit nervous crossing over the birthday threshold, not because I am getting older (I'm fine with that) but because it's the landmark I use to measure time as the year progresses. My birthday means Thanksgiving and then Christmas. The holidays get rough for me, so many bad memories.

 

[Sadielady3]

I've been really conflicted lately and I've been musing about something for a few days. I'm going to see if writing about it helps me work this out. I want to take a break from the group therapy run by my T. I've been really angry at my T since Wednesday because he was nice to me. I've been questioning the authenticity of the relationship for a long time and him going out of his way to be supportive just feels so wrong. It's completely irrational but it's how I feel at the moment. I'm wondering if some space might give me some time to process out some of these feelings without adding more to the pile or intensifying the ones I have.

On the positive side of this, I still have another group therapy to attend to keep going with my issues. Generally, I find that group more beneficial in helping me get some real work done on my personal issues. It's a lot less intense though and maybe easing up is okay sometimes. The gift of time does tend to do wonders for me- it allows the irrational side of me to lose steam and allows rationality to gain control back. I truly want to work with the T I have. The last therapy session I had really showed me that he can handle me and has a good grip on how to help me. I don't want to screw this up and maybe taking the time will keep me from screwing this whole thing up.

I don't know the best way to handle this transference- does more time together help it lessen or would some distance and a break help mitigate the effects? The internet has been of no help on this.

On the negative side of this, I might lose steam. Once you get out of the habit of doing something, sometimes it's hard to get back into the habit. I go to this group every week so it's possible that my T will notice when I miss a couple of sessions and take it as a sign of me running away. I'm also not sure how to navigate doing this without it causing concern on his end. Originally, he questioned me attending two different therapy groups but lately he seems in favor of it. I'm not wildly out of control by any means but I've been struggling a lot emotionally for awhile and he knows that. I hate that he pays such close attention to me. Usually I like that he's the T for the group- I feel like it gives him different information than he gets from one-on-one sessions and, since I only see him once a month for individual therapy, it's probably helped that relationship grow a great deal.

I know I'm heading into my dark season and my instinct this time of year is to hide from everything and everyone. I am unsure if this is part of my thought process. On the one hand, cutting off a supportive resource is probably a bad idea. On the other hand, seeing someone I'm struggling with as well as being part of a chipper group of people might intensify the darkness. The loneliest moments of my life have been among people that I felt like I didn't fit in with. Those moments will break me faster than just spending the time alone.

Sometimes when I have these sorts of questions I try to ask myself what I would tell a friend in a similar situation to do. In this case, I honestly don't know. My husband isn't really sure either. My husband thinks that if I'm going to take a break that I should email my T about it. But I honestly feel like my T will push me to keep going. I think part of it is that my T sees me as a flight risk (and he may be a little bit right on that). Our last session is when he put an actual safety plan in place for me- I hadn't had one from him before that.

I feel like I've been failing at therapy a lot lately. I was doing fairly well, I think, with making some small gains until I remembered the trauma. I think I'm in a worse place now mentally than I was before I started seeing him last January. It makes logical sense for this to be okay. I had no way to know that 20 years of trauma were going to come up in October. I didn't know that working on the depression and anxiety issues were just a side quest and now I'm actually working on the main quest line- the one that will actually help me to progress. Perhaps getting to a place where I could even find the main story line again is what progress should be looking like for me. It feels awful though and like I'm going backwards somehow. I have no idea what my T's thoughts are on any of this. I just feel like he's paying a lot more attention to me these days. I'm not really used to anyone tuning in and watching me though. Honestly, I don't think I've ever had a therapist seem to care before and many have paid so little attention to me that they never picked up the clues that I was doing poorly. I was in therapy during both of my suicide attempts and my psychotic break. All three events were built up to and I was going to therapy weekly and no one noticed anything was wrong. He picks up on it when I'm struggling. It's like he sees right through me. It's both a blessing and a curse.

 

[Kittie]

I've been really conflicted lately and I've been musing about something for a few days. I'm going to see if writing about it helps me work this out. I want to take a break from the group therapy run by my T. I've been really angry at my T since Wednesday because he was nice to me. I've been questioning the authenticity of the relationship for a long time and him going out of his way to be supportive just feels so wrong. It's completely irrational but it's how I feel at the moment. I'm wondering if some space might give me some time to process out some of these feelings without adding more to the pile or intensifying the ones I have.

On the positive side of this, I still have another group therapy to attend to keep going with my issues. Generally, I find that group more beneficial in helping me get some real work done on my personal issues. It's a lot less intense though and maybe easing up is okay sometimes. The gift of time does tend to do wonders for me- it allows the irrational side of me to lose steam and allows rationality to gain control back. I truly want to work with the T I have. The last therapy session I had really showed me that he can handle me and has a good grip on how to help me. I don't want to screw this up and maybe taking the time will keep me from screwing this whole thing up.

I don't know the best way to handle this transference- does more time together help it lessen or would some distance and a break help mitigate the effects? The internet has been of no help on this.

On the negative side of this, I might lose steam. Once you get out of the habit of doing something, sometimes it's hard to get back into the habit. I go to this group every week so it's possible that my T will notice when I miss a couple of sessions and take it as a sign of me running away. I'm also not sure how to navigate doing this without it causing concern on his end. Originally, he questioned me attending two different therapy groups but lately he seems in favor of it. I'm not wildly out of control by any means but I've been struggling a lot emotionally for awhile and he knows that. I hate that he pays such close attention to me. Usually I like that he's the T for the group- I feel like it gives him different information than he gets from one-on-one sessions and, since I only see him once a month for individual therapy, it's probably helped that relationship grow a great deal.

I know I'm heading into my dark season and my instinct this time of year is to hide from everything and everyone. I am unsure if this is part of my thought process. On the one hand, cutting off a supportive resource is probably a bad idea. On the other hand, seeing someone I'm struggling with as well as being part of a chipper group of people might intensify the darkness. The loneliest moments of my life have been among people that I felt like I didn't fit in with. Those moments will break me faster than just spending the time alone.

Sometimes when I have these sorts of questions I try to ask myself what I would tell a friend in a similar situation to do. In this case, I honestly don't know. My husband isn't really sure either. My husband thinks that if I'm going to take a break that I should email my T about it. But I honestly feel like my T will push me to keep going. I think part of it is that my T sees me as a flight risk (and he may be a little bit right on that). Our last session is when he put an actual safety plan in place for me- I hadn't had one from him before that.

I feel like I've been failing at therapy a lot lately. I was doing fairly well, I think, with making some small gains until I remembered the trauma. I think I'm in a worse place now mentally than I was before I started seeing him last January. It makes logical sense for this to be okay. I had no way to know that 20 years of trauma were going to come up in October. I didn't know that working on the depression and anxiety issues were just a side quest and now I'm actually working on the main quest line- the one that will actually help me to progress. Perhaps getting to a place where I could even find the main story line again is what progress should be looking like for me. It feels awful though and like I'm going backwards somehow. I have no idea what my T's thoughts are on any of this. I just feel like he's paying a lot more attention to me these days. I'm not really used to anyone tuning in and watching me though. Honestly, I don't think I've ever had a therapist seem to care before and many have paid so little attention to me that they never picked up the clues that I was doing poorly. I was in therapy during both of my suicide attempts and my psychotic break. All three events were built up to and I was going to therapy weekly and no one noticed anything was wrong. He picks up on it when I'm struggling. It's like he sees right through me. It's both a blessing and a curse.

It's hard on the emotions to stay committed to therapy when it gets uncomfortable. If you find one who you're comfortable and who is tuned in to your feelings, I think it would be a plus...it means they truly care.

A lot hit you all at once out of the blue, that had to be hard. I like how you compared advice you'd give to a friend and apply it to yourself.

I can relate to feeling like a therapy failure...but you're not because you're still trying. Not giving up is a sign of success. It's a lot to sort out, be patient with yourself. It sounds like you're making progress, even if you don't feel it yet. Keep up the good work, it seems like you've come a long way!

 

[Sadielady3]

Tonight's IOP group was rough. The topic was self-care. I don't do well with this area and I know this but I figured it would be okay. One of the other people talked about how he lacks self-compassion. I spoke up and said that I do too. I recalled a conversation I had with my T back in September (or maybe it was August) where I told him I had the skills to be patient, compassionate, kind, and gentle; I use those skills for hours at a time a special education teacher. However, I can't be that way towards myself. My T looked at me and told me that this was a moral failing. It's definitely one of the comments my T has made that has really stuck with me. I also spoke about how I've been made at my T for about a week now because he sent me a nice email and that I know my thought process revolving around this is not right, who gets mad at someone for being nice to them? So many people in that group were nodding and agreeing with everything that I said.

Then X went on to list off a whole bunch of negative self-messages people like to tell themselves. It was like he could hear those voices in my head. I felt my anxiety rising and wound up having a full blown panic attack despite trying hard to ground. Hadn't had one in awhile so maybe I was just due for one.

The conversation after that turned mostly to parenting. X did call me out once on why we go to therapy when we especially don't want to. He said that when we are falling apart is when therapists most want to see us. They don't want to see us always rational and under control. I was sitting there thinking that I don't know if I can fully fall apart in front of my therapist. I don't think I trust him that much, as much as I see what a great T he is. X went on to say that it's those broken moments that make the commitment to therapy so incredibly important so that we don't hide from support when we genuinely need it the most. He talked about how the damage done to us before the age of seven is considered to be the most devastating and that it often lasts well into adulthood and is hard to recover from. I know my life turned really sour after I was eight when my dad moved out but I still have no happy memories from the times before I was seven either. I don't remember any hugs or bedtime stories. Mostly I was a sad, lonely, and overly serious little kid who spent most of her time at the library or in her room alone reading. I didn't relate well to other children at all. I don't remember any abuse from that time period but I don't remember any love either. I remember I didn't really need to tell my mom when I was leaving to ride down to the library or go anywhere else. I came and went as I pleased. That's probably not normal but I guess it was my normal.

Maybe someday I will learn how to accept and really feel love from other people. This would be a nice thing to get out of therapy.

 

[mumstheword]

I was that sad, lonely, frightened, hiding-in-the-library-and-in-a-book girl, too. I really empathise.

Maybe you can register how much patience there is for you? You have all the time you need to explore all your feelings and memories and experiences and find that love that there is for you?

The fact that have a job that allows you to be your kind, patient, helpful, supportive, loving self, to your students who will and do, I'm sure thrive, and are blessed, to have you in their lives, demonstrates, to me, how much love you've already allowed into your life.

In your own time, I'm sure you can and will turn that love inwards or realise that it's been there all along, under the hurt, and loneliness and sadness, because you already demonstrate in it your life to other's.

Just recognising that you do good, that you deserve your own recognition for that, is, maybe, something to think about?

Maybe? Just a suggestion.

 

[Sadielady3]

Went to my other group tonight, the one run by my T. Had a panic attack during this one but not entirely sure what set it off. It took me the length of the entire article we were reading on mindfulness to ground enough to open my eyes. I still feel really anxious. I think the truth is that I just don't fit in with the group of people that come now. Everyone I know is gone. These people are so much better adjusted in life than I am. I'm just not normal.

I think a good and reasonable plan for next week is to go to X's group on Monday and see how I feel. If I have yet another panic attack on Monday, I think it's reasonable to skip my T's group. X's group sent me into a panic attack because the material and discussion hit me hard but group tonight, I don't know. I may have to start facing cold hard facts- I might need to switch therapists due to being so damn afraid of this one. It sucks because I think without all of my fear, he could have really helped me. I don't know if a new T is the right answer but I know something isn't working.

 

[Sadielady3]

I woke up early this morning, most likely because I went to bed super early last night. The panic attack yesterday took a lot out of me. I was still preoccupied with the group from yesterday so I pulled in the big guns- my friend M who is an actual licensed therapist. M and I have been friends for well over a decade now and she knows me probably even better than my husband does. I wanted to understand more about transference and what's normal in therapy and the internet just wasn't scratching my itch enough.

M said that transference in therapy is common (knew this already) but that as long as I am in touch with my mother, it will continue to get worse. She's known me for over a decade and understands the reasons why I can't cut her off, as much as a part of me really wants to. Her suggestion is to really work on keeping her at an arm's distance and to not let her pull me back in as much as humanly possible, which is what I've been doing for awhile now.

She confirmed my suspicion that, as much as other people have suggested family work, it will be detrimental to my mental health to do so with her. She is a true narcissist who will be incapable of admitting to her flaws or bad treatment of me. The entire relationship I've had with her as an adult hasn't been based on love or even like but instead about control. She pointed things out that have happened like when I got my first teaching job and she wouldn't let me go alone to Maryland to find an apartment as well as dictating how I spent my school breaks. She pointed out the stressful demands she placed on my wedding. She pointed out the break up she influenced me on with an ex-boyfriend. She pointed out my mother's completely unreasonable demand that when I was working on my masters that I attend dinner at her house every single night. She went on to point out that I've allowed her to have tremendous control and influence over my life for so long as an adult that trying to confront her or change that relationship is something that I'm just not ready to do. I will also be highly unlikely to ever receive any benefit from involving her in my recovery.

M told me that the reason trauma comes out like this is because I feel safe. She's known for years that I had significant, life changing trauma that was eventually going to come out. My life is really pretty stable at this point- steady job that I am very unlikely to lose, solid marriage with someone who really loves me, stable supportive friendships. But she went on to say that if my therapist was not the right person to work with that not only would I not have all of this transference but that the trauma would not have resurfaced. She said that once the brain feels like the setting is right and the ability to face things is there that it's when the brain starts trying to heal. As much as the memories have been difficult, it's my brain's way of trying to expunge the poison and heal. She also echoed my conclusion that if I switched therapists that the transference would just shift to the new person.

I really wish I had more normalcy in my life right now. I don't have a lot of things going on (although I hope to get some real cleaning done over this mini break so that we can get the puppy soon) so I don't have enough distraction to do anything but stress.

 

[Sadielady3]

Well, today is thanksgiving. I went over to my in-laws' house and ate myself sick. I am really fortunate to have plenty in my life and to have really nice parents-in-law.

My sister-in-law is another story. She is 36, unemployed (and has always been unemployed- never held a job down for more than a month or two and hasn't even tried to get a job in the past five years whatsoever), dating a 70ish year old man who still lives with his ex-wife, and is one of the most judgmental, racist people I have ever met. I try to get along with her, I really do. But sometimes things come out of her mouth and my mouth reacts to her ignorance.

Today, we were talking about what Olympians do after they retire. I was talking about how I met Michael Phillips once and how arrogant and entitled he seemed. My mother-in-law stated that he's changed since he went to psychotherapy. My sister-in-law giggled. I giggled too, thinking about how I so rarely hear it called psychotherapy and not just therapy. Then my sister-in-law went on to say that therapy doesn't work and all shrinks are quacks. I disagreed and told her that my therapist isn't a quack and I think he's genuinely helping me. She stated that her horses and her dogs were her therapist. I said that that's great and if that works for her, more power to her but some people need to go to therapy to heal. She then said that only weak people with imaginary problems need therapy. She said that society would be better off without people like me. I went on to compare our situations- I'm married, live independently from financial support whatsoever from my parents, have a career and am a productive member of society, hold a masters degree, and hold multiple advanced professional certificates to teach in the state of Maryland. Then I looked at her and asked her what about herself makes her superior to me. My mother-in-law scolded me and told me to stop, that I was hurting her feelings and that we shouldn't fight on the holiday. My father-in-law grinned and laughed and gave me a high five. He is also sick of her being a layabout in his house with no plans to ever move forward with her life. In truth, she needs a good therapist more than I do, and that is saying a lot.

But I did get doggy snuggles today, which more than cancels out her behavior. The food was pretty good. And we watched Harry Potter. Overall, a good day.