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A lot has happened since my last entry. My life is starting to change trajectory and I'm really excited about it. I spent the rest of my week last week mulling over a career change. I knew it was going to come with some risks, even if they were relatively small and unlikely, but still there...

A few weeks ago, I went back to Betterhelp to try to find a weekly counselor again. I had been starting to think it was a bad, impulsive idea until Tuesday when I was reminded that monthly therapy wasn't really going all that well not that long ago. It's amazing how short the memories of...

I went to X's group Monday night. I didn't get a lot out of it personally but enjoyed being there. I've begun to realize that the topic doesn't always speak to me but being with other people who struggle helps me to feel like I'm not a freak and not alone. I went to my T's Tuesday night group...

I've been doing some major thinking since my therapy appointment on Friday and I've realized some things. I've known for awhile now that I am not my trauma. Those events were things that happened to me. However, they shaped me and made me into who I am today. I realized that a part of me...

@ladee , you are welcome to voice your opinions, always. I know you mean well with whatever you write.

Last night I played D&D with a friend and her friends. I had a good time and I think I fit in with the group pretty well. We're playing again next Friday. It would be nice to have a fun, light hearted socialization thing to do at the end of my weeks so hopefully this will work out for me. I...

I went to my therapy session today. It has to be the most intense session I've ever been through. I jumped straight into the suicidality stuff. I told him pretty clearly about December. He looked at me and told me that I should have been committed. We discussed a stay in the hospital and...

It's been a day of much reflection and conversation. I talked to M for a few hours today about everything that's going on with me (and her too, of course). I filled her in on the mom saga and she said that I absolutely can't go without wiping out a year's worth of therapy, if not leaving me...

I went to my T's group tonight. There were an awful lot of new people there. I did a fair amount of talking tonight. I mentioned that I didn't feel I strictly needed to be there but I felt it was important to stick with my routines. Other people mentioned that they enjoyed seeing me there...

I had X's group tonight. I didn't really want to go, not out of avoidance but because I'm on vacation and really not struggling with too much lately. However, I did go because I think it's important to stick to the routine. If it's not a thing I always do, a habit, on the weeks I need it...

So, I got through today at school. Me, being me, I managed to rip a hole in my dress while I was in the bathroom. I tore open a nice hole right in the right boob area. In addition, I had on a flesh colored bra, which showed nicely through the hole. I looked quite scandalous. Luckily, the...

Another day in the books. Today was fine. My co-teacher took the day off but that's nothing new. I did find out the administration is genuinely going after him though. My administrator told me that if I rat him out when he doesn't come in or leaves early, they will leave my name out of it...

I don't need pro-bono. If I saw someone once per week, I could probably afford about 50 dollars a week. Maybe slightly more. I know that therapy costs more than that typically so I guess I would need a sliding scale sort of thing. If my T could do that on the side, I'd take up a side gig to...

It's not even that I want to get through it all and heal really quickly. That would be nice, of course (and I think virtually everyone here wishes they could spend a week dealing with their traumas and be done with it). It's more that appointments with my T are hard to get and eventually I...

I have PTSD (and I actually think it should be C-PTSD) and have been through a great deal of childhood trauma. My therapist and I started doing EMDR in January but after 3 sessions of EMDR we stopped because life got a lot more intense. He said that when he read the room, it wasn't the right...

@ladee , I always appreciate your concern. The truth is, I don't know what the best way forward is. I want to dig in and do some real work but can't afford private therapy long term. My T is unable to really dig in with me long term. I still believe that if I just disappeared he wouldn't...

I woke up super early today. Got some grading done, which is good since the end of the quarter is coming. I also started to poke around the internet about finding an EMDR specialist. I feel like I really want to spend the summer trying to put some of my trauma to bed. But with vacations for...

Well, I completed my first week back in the building. I know it was a short week but honestly, I shouldn't have to do another 3 day stint like that again. Usually it will be 2 days on, Wednesday off, then 2 days on, then the weekend. Also, as my sleep schedule adjusts, it'll get easier...

Day 2 in the books. I truly hate trying to teach with one little screen. I need to figure out a way to have a second monitor at least some of the time. I'd actually break down and bring one in if I was in one place consistently but over the course of a week, I'm in four different classrooms...

Today was the first day back to the school buildings. Man, am I tired and sore! It's amazing how much mobility you lose after sitting around for a year! And I'll start getting it back right before summer vacation probably. But it was really nice to see colleagues I hadn't seen in a year. I...

Went to my T's group tonight. I was going to ask for advice about how to say no to my mom at the beginning of the session but someone cut me off (wasn't being rude, I think it was a telehealth lag issue). She spoke about how someone in her life committed suicide. I certainly didn't feel right...

I guess I'm tuning back into life now. I suppose that's a good thing. It's definitely been a day though. My second and third period students really love my hair. Third period decided to vote on what color comes next since they've seen purple and now blue. I guess no one told them that I am...

Well, I think I'm happy with the end result. Took most of the day to get there though.

I think I can get it. I picked out an electric blue so it should be incredibly vibrant on the platinum. I'll post pictures tomorrow. At least I'm keeping busy this weekend and not dwelling on things to come. It's amazing how distracted I get by blond hair, lol.

I have been fascinated by the blond hair result all day. People say I can pull it off but I don't think so. Tomorrow will come the blue and purple.