It's been a day of much reflection and conversation. I talked to M for a few hours today about everything that's going on with me (and her too, of course). I filled her in on the mom saga and she said that I absolutely can't go without wiping out a year's worth of therapy, if not leaving me more damaged than before I started working with my current T. I told her that I had already told my mom no without saying no.
She said that the therapy dilemma is a tough one. At this exact moment, I am feeling pretty good. I still am delusional enough on this feeling of calm to feel done with therapy. I went back and re-read some previous entries here. It wasn't that long ago that I felt dissatisfied with my current treatment structure. She also believes that a lot of people will be leaving therapy soon as the world is opening up again. She said that my current T might be more available and less scatter-brained when things lessen but that could also mean being able to find a good private therapist as well a lot easier (one of my major concerns). She also thinks that group therapy is a really important aspect to my treatment so I'd need to find a private group to join as well. She also felt it was important for me to do some kind of therapy, EMDR or otherwise, that is built to deal with trauma. She said that since my anxiety and depression were mostly under control these days, the trauma really does need to be addressed. She also agreed with me about the SI being a control issue. I've always struggled, for as long as I can remember, with SI but I hadn't been engaging in planning anything before October when the trauma hit. She asked me what made me feel so hopeless.
So I contemplated this and at first, the planning occurred because I felt flooded and overwhelmed by the trauma I was remembering. The nightmares. The struggling with this life-changing realization that I don't just have some anxiety and depression but instead am deeply wounded. It was so much pain in such a short amount of time. I was never afraid of facing the pain but was concerned my T was going to bolt and I'd have to face this issue that I had no clue how to face alone. That fear has greatly subsided. But because I was in such a bad place, my friends and husband rushed in to support. That level of support was needed and felt loving when I was in such a bad place but now feels restrictive. I don't like having my capability to make decisions questioned all of the time. I know they mean well and everything is happening out of love but I'm a grown-ass woman who needs agency in her own life.
She also asked me that if I had a month to live, what would I run out to do. Nothing. There is nothing on a bucket list. Nothing I feel like I should see or do before I go. I have no goals or dreams currently. I simply exist. She said that this is a major problem and that without having desires or something to work towards, life becomes pointless and long. But I think I don't really know who I am. I was force fed a lot of crap throughout my childhood. I need to get rid of the crap to figure out what I really want.
I went to my T's CBT group today. It was just me and one other participant. I spoke about my discussions with my husband about changing treatment plans. My T thought about this for a few minutes and responded that he didn't think anyone should decide treatment plans for anyone else. He said he would never tell a patient what to do with anything, let alone telling them what treatment option is best for them. He said he could advise and give input but ultimately the level of treatment is up to the patient.
I talked things over with my husband again. He said that if I can start being more honest with my T that he'd be less nervous about the structure of therapy. His whole thing is that if I saw someone weekly that I might open up more. I tried to explain to him that this whole therapy thing is a process and that for people like me this is a slow process and will have growth and setbacks. We agreed that if I backslid to the point I was at right before I had to go to IOP or if I went back to where I was in October, or in other words actually in crisis, that he could interject and have more say. He still wants me to keep scheduling appointments so that they are available in case I need them. I am currently scheduled through June.
Tomorrow I have individual therapy scheduled. I don't strictly need to go but I think I probably should go and have some sort of conversation with my T since I am in a good head space. I definitely want to be brave enough to tell him the whole story on the SI, the near attempts that he doesn't know about. I might be able to pull that off right now. I am trying to think of what else I should tell him, what he needs to know, that I might actually have the mental fortitude to tell him right now. I need to think on this. If I'm going to take up an appointment when I don't strictly need it, I need to make it count.
