Sadielady3's Diary

[ladee]

Yes Sadie, you are growing. Great idea to have a plan on how to say no, you already know the outcome if you say yes. Hope you get some good feedback that helps.

Glad the kids liked your hair and happy to know your student wrote you a letter. It's pretty nice to be acknowledged for doing the right things. Something you didn't and haven't heard from your mother.

 

[Sadielady3]

Went to my T's group tonight. I was going to ask for advice about how to say no to my mom at the beginning of the session but someone cut me off (wasn't being rude, I think it was a telehealth lag issue). She spoke about how someone in her life committed suicide. I certainly didn't feel right bringing up my thing after that. But after our topic of the day, which were coping strategies, I did bring it up. My T jumped in later on in the conversation and stated that it would be a hardship to take care of someone that extensively for a week, let along a month plus, if I had a great relationship with her but given how incredibly difficult the relationship is between us, I absolutely cannot go. I agreed and said that I know I can't go but how do I make sure I stick to the no. The best advice I got was to keep my friends and husband in mind and think about the effects on them if I went and what kind of friend/wife would they be getting back? And would it be worth it to make a big sacrifice of time for someone who wouldn't do it for me? That resonated really deeply with me and I'm going to hold on to that thought when the time comes.

 

[Sadielady3]

Today was the first day back to the school buildings. Man, am I tired and sore! It's amazing how much mobility you lose after sitting around for a year! And I'll start getting it back right before summer vacation probably. But it was really nice to see colleagues I hadn't seen in a year. I caused a bit of chaos and I definitely drew some looks with the blue hair, which most people seemed to really love.

S talked my ear off with his Qanon bullshit. We're talking about hours of it. I mentioned to him that he probably shouldn't be talking politics this much at work and hand waived it off. Then I made the comment that perhaps he'd be happier with a nice conservative Christian co-teacher. He ignored that comment. It's going to be a long week and a half without the kids to shut him up. Hopefully he got the majority of it out today.

The Mario Kart battle is officially going to happen between me and J, my administrator. I've been practicing quite a bit tonight. I have to at least hold my own in this competition. He seems pretty excited about it! Either way, win or lose, I'm sure it'll be a good time.

All in all, it was as good of a first day back as I could have hoped for. Tomorrow I have to actually teach while I'm there. No kids in the building yet but I'll be there. Fingers crossed that things continue to go well.

 

[coraxxx]

Happy things seem to go well for you. Physicality and blue hair. Hope that the Qanon jar will diminish as well. Have a good day @Sadielady3 !

 

[Sadielady3]

Day 2 in the books. I truly hate trying to teach with one little screen. I need to figure out a way to have a second monitor at least some of the time. I'd actually break down and bring one in if I was in one place consistently but over the course of a week, I'm in four different classrooms. One of those classrooms, I won't have any personal space whatsoever. But, if I could have a second monitor when I'm at the ninth grade building, I could head over there on my planning time and work or something.

I had my T's CBT group today. It went well and I participated quite a bit. I also realized that I don't catastrophize nearly as much as I used to. This is a really positive thing. I still have a lot of work to do but I am starting to see things that I have improved at least a little bit within the last year. This makes me feel like maybe I can get better than I am now so it's an important thing to notice.

Tomorrow is the big day- the follow up to the letter I sent. I really put a lot of my junk out there and I know my T has read it this time for sure. I've been really focusing on how it's a good thing because it's out there and can be addressed. He can't help if he doesn't know. So, I'm going to pull up my big girl panties tomorrow, take a deep breath, and really have this conversation. The hard part, bringing some of these topics up at all, is done. I just have to be open and willing to be in the conversation. I can do this. I'm going to try to stay optimistic that things will go really well.

 

[Sadielady3]

Well, I completed my first week back in the building. I know it was a short week but honestly, I shouldn't have to do another 3 day stint like that again. Usually it will be 2 days on, Wednesday off, then 2 days on, then the weekend. Also, as my sleep schedule adjusts, it'll get easier. Things will be okay. I am exhausted and very sore but it will get better. Overall though, it was a good first week back. Nothing horrible happened to me and my co-teacher made a complete ass out of himself today. Lots of people are starting to realize how rough I really have it.

Had my therapy session today. My T asked me what I wanted to talk about about and I was brave and brought up the letter. He was mostly interested in talking about the suicidality part. We discussed the meaning of life. He had no answers but truthfully I didn't expect any. I see myself as damaged and I'm not really sure that there's anything left I want to do in life. I feel like I've done the things I want to do. If I feel complete and am suffering, then, what's the point? He told me that I was trying to take him outside of the realm of psychology and he has no answers for philosophical questions. I feel like it's an answer I need to find to end the suicidality. I'm not suffering from SI at the moment but I'm sure I will again. He noted that the dread I feel is something I could work on. It's not dread exactly. It's just knowing that this never really goes away for any real amount of time. But is life just about coping our ways to the ends? There has to be something more. Just getting through life isn't really an accomplishment and I want to put this sword down. I'm tired of an endless battle where I'm not even sure what I'm fighting for.

In the last ten minutes though, I did ask him about the EMDR and if we're done. He said he's waiting for a time period where it's likely things will be calm in my life for awhile so that we can work uninterrupted. So, I'm thinking maybe summer break. I mentioned to my husband that maybe I should cancel all of these excess appointments that I have since the next month or two are unlikely to be calm enough to get back into it. My husband disagreed and wants me to keep the appointments unless my T tells me to cancel them as he feels I have been in a bad place more often than not and maybe I could use the support. I hate to take up appointments that other people could use to waste my T's time talking to me. I don't know. Maybe I'll feel differently in the morning.

 

[Sadielady3]

I woke up super early today. Got some grading done, which is good since the end of the quarter is coming. I also started to poke around the internet about finding an EMDR specialist. I feel like I really want to spend the summer trying to put some of my trauma to bed. But with vacations for my T (and he deserves them!) and the every other week thing, that doesn't give me a lot of time working with him in session. Given that my husband and I received the full stimulus package each time and we've been working and making ends meet, we have some extra money right now. So I poked around, just to see. I wound up finding an intense program for EMDR. Now, I wouldn't dare do this during the school year but they aren't starting until June. That's pretty much perfect for me! I talked things over with my husband and he's less than thrilled about the idea of me processing that intensely and would rather I stick with just doing this with my T. If he was a private practice therapist and I could negotiate something with him, I would. But he has to follow the rules of the HMO and I understand that. I plan on calling on Monday to get more of the details. It might be ridiculously expensive or maybe it's already even full up. But it could be a great opportunity to really work through some serious trauma. I'm not really sure I'll ever have an opportunity like that with my T. It doesn't hurt to call and make decisions after I get all of the information.

 

[ladee]

Sadie, I am not trying to discourage you. But I do want you to know that EMDR is not a fast track to healing. If you do not have a solid foundation down with your T, this will cause more harm than good. I do hope you talk with your T first before you commit to this.

I may be misreading you, so ignore if not helpful. I just get the impression you think this is quicker. Would you consider starting a thread asking what others experiences have been with EMDR? I hope you go into it more informed than you are now.

I'll butt out now. Just have concerns.

 

[Sadielady3]

@ladee , I always appreciate your concern. The truth is, I don't know what the best way forward is. I want to dig in and do some real work but can't afford private therapy long term. My T is unable to really dig in with me long term. I still believe that if I just disappeared he wouldn't notice because my HMO is like a machine just cranking the numbers through. The sad truth is that I'm just a number to him and sometimes I feel like he doesn't really know me at all.

I can ask but I think it's unlikely I'll get much response. I'd love a real long-term solution and I'm no longer in denial that my current therapy situation isn't the right one for me at this time. In truth, I'm pretty sure if I told my T about this, he'd have objections to me doing it.

 

[ladee]

I'm sorry after all this time, you still feel you are just a number to your T. Now, is he the right one for you long term?? I have no idea and neither do you.

I know you are impatient to get this thing moving. Just asking you to research a lot about EMDR. There are many people here who have and are still doing EMDR on the same issues. Years later. It is multilayered and if you do not have the support in place to deal with what happens after a session, it can be dangerous.

I won't say anything else about it. But I do appreciate that you know I am concerned and not telling you how to walk your journey. I know that EMDR is not as fast as people think it is. And it is super intense.

I hope you find someone that can help you get down the road with this. It can be very frustrating I know. Wishing you well and a safe recovery.

 

[Sadielady3]

Another day in the books. Today was fine. My co-teacher took the day off but that's nothing new. I did find out the administration is genuinely going after him though. My administrator told me that if I rat him out when he doesn't come in or leaves early, they will leave my name out of it. That's a relief. I don't mind helping them nail him on his bad behavior but I still have to live in that house and don't need my world blowing up, especially if they can't get him in the end.

I had X's group tonight. We discussed social situations and how to deal with our triggers in social situations. We talked about why ghosting someone out of fear is a bad thing. I know that's at least part of my issues with therapy. My T knows too much and yet I'm just a number to him. It definitely is triggering something fearful in me. Why am I letting this stranger in? Yes, he's a trained medical professional helping me with a medical issue. I completely acknowledge that mental health is a medical issue. But it feels so incredibly invasive. I think I'd rather have someone actually slice me open and dig around my physical innards than my emotional ones. But I also do really think that the monthly structure of therapy isn't really working for me either. It leaves me laying there bleeding and then I have to figure out how to deal with these wounds on my own. I really believe that if I could work through some of the more difficult, triggering things that monthly therapy could work for me afterwards. But I know some of it is wanting to run away since I am dead set against even having that conversation with my T. I feel like it would be such an ungrateful thing to tell him. I really do believe he's tried to help me as much as the structure of the HMO allows. I honestly believe he does his best for every single one of his patients. I don't think I'm special or anything. Much as I don't have as much time as I'd like for each of my struggling students due to the nature of public education, I suspect this aspect of working for the HMO frustrates him. I've seen glimpses of frustration when we've discussed scheduling or other administrative type of things.

I honestly don't know if I'm just trying to run away again or if I really do want more consistent therapy. Honestly, it's probably a bit of both. Few things in life are black and white- why should this be any different?

 

[Sadielady3]

So, I got through today at school. Me, being me, I managed to rip a hole in my dress while I was in the bathroom. I tore open a nice hole right in the right boob area. In addition, I had on a flesh colored bra, which showed nicely through the hole. I looked quite scandalous. Luckily, the kids aren't back yet so I just kept the camera shoulder height and up. A colleague helped me escape from the building with my dignity fairly in tact. I sewed the dress back together pretty well and it looks okay. You can somewhat see where I stitched it up but it's pretty subtle, that dress is very comfortable, and practically brand new. Yeah, I'll still be wearing it.

I had my T's group tonight. It was about self-love. One of the things discussed was about how you cannot love others if you don't love yourself. I wholly disagree with this statement. I love lots of people but I don't really love myself. I let that one go though.

I have decided to stick with my current treatment. I can recognize that I have been making progress and perhaps I shouldn't mess with something that is working. Maybe I could make better progress with more frequent sessions but I could also wind up working with someone I don't click with. I know part of the therapy for me is learning how to bond and working on my attachment issues. I do generally see my T once per week, even if it is in group. Yes, he loses track of things that he really shouldn't be losing track of but perhaps learning how to stick with someone who isn't perfect but that I do think means well is good for me. Also, as the pandemic lifts (at least for awhile), he may lose some patients and be in a better, more focused mental state himself. I need to give this time. If I stop making progress, I may need to revisit this idea. Maybe I need to learn more patience with myself.