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It was over the phone. Okay I think. It's the same old explaining it all and going through the history which normally doesn't get me but I was a bit choked up on some of the early childhood stuff. It's so emotionally draining I'm quite exhausted, I'm trying to be as open and unmasked as...

Today I get my first therapy session for shallow counselling to boost my self esteem and help with the little stuff because I cannot get proper counselling with the big stuff. Half of me feels like I am being palmed off because the waiting lists are so long. I'm usually upbeat and excited when...

What a relief to hear I'm not the only one. I miss my make believe world but I just can't zone in like I used to. It used to be so easy to slide right into but now it's so unreachable.

If all you do today is breathe thats okay. It's overwhelming and sometimes so all consuming but it's okay to just be, scrolling endless Pinterest interiors is my guilty pleasure and takes my mind elsewhere, so does singing, I can't remember the lyrics and think at the same time so singing the...

My flashbacks seem to unfold over a few nights, first the feelings, the fear of the dark and unknown and disorientation and the next night fleeting images and by the fourth night it's a full blown pictures, sounds, smells, and the story unfolding. I was often locked In small spaces, cupboards...

Pakenham, Suffolk, England. A little village with a windmill and a watermill.

" I contacted Mind and got 6 weeks of 1 hr therapy for very little cost ( its based on what you can afford). If you have one in your area it's worth giving them a try, there may be a small waiting list but they were great and really helpful. It's currently 2/3 years to see a psychiatrist or 2...

Yes, there's power in learning. I feel like my self care is being my own project. Good luck and I hope we can share our findings.

I have found a 6th edition on amazon that's used but good. Thankyou.

To be honest I didn't know their back story and I have to say I agree with your viewpoint now I do know. Understanding my behaviours makes it less frightening and more normal. Trauma from birth means I have no idea what normal is or does so I can feel like an outsider in the most normal of...

Thankyou. I am in Great Britain, I am looking at the cheaper options. It would be great to have my own copy if I can find an affordable copy.

I did find a second hand 6th edition for under £20.

Wow, just looked up Berks book and it's just under £145. In the UK.

Ohhh thankyou Friday. I will see if the library can get them in. I never really went to school and was at work by 16 so I've never really studied. I actually enjoy learning and it helps me make sense of things. Berks style of writing looks interesting.

Thankyou I will look them up.

Thankyou sideways did you find anything that was?. I'm open to all suggestions.

I have quite a logical brain so I have reserved an Erik Erikson book at the library to work through the stages of childhood (much like a school project) to help me place how my childhood neglect affected me and colours my behavior now. Peter Walkers Thrive is my go to and the are other books I...

Yes forgiving myself for trusting others, for not trusting my gut, for seeing the best in those that treated me the worst, for believing I was the bad one for so long. Swamped in toxic shame and guilt that was never mine to bear.

Thankyou, interesting read. I was incarcerated in small spaces from very young. These flashbacks are particularly terrifying.

I agree that volunteering feeds the need to be useful, helpful, serving others and I feel in a similar position in a way. I volunteer for a Hospice, what a great feeling but like you there were issues that went against my own values and I feel I should step back but I will miss that buzz of...

Good question. I could step back from the volunteering and just focus on the 5 hrs a week I actually work, keep my head down and my distance and just earn the money and then it wouldn't matter. Maybe.

I totally get it and it's exhausting. The victim wasn't me but I stepped in and told the guys to stop. It's a manly environment if you like and the manager said don't show weakness as we will jump on it. Its fat shaming at its worst even talking about a work weigh in. As I say I'm not the...

I volunteer for a charity and there's a lot of banter amongst the staff. As the manager says don't show weakness as its jumped on and becomes the running joke. I've learned throughout my work life to have a thick skin, head down and think of the money. Another colleague was so distressed as...

Hi light and warmth I also freeze/fawn and a light bulb went off reading the part about which parts are you and which parts are the illness. That's something I feel I need to work on. I think your chosen name is lovely and friendly and I wish you well on this healing journey

Thankyou Riley. I was informed of forums by Napac so thought I'd give it a try. I'm only recently unravelling the extent of the childhood trauma as the brain is very good at protecting us from it. It's nice to be validated.