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Quite anxious

scout - thank you. That is good advice - I will do that, as it will almost certainly happen again! Even though I'm coming down now from the heights of my self-doubt, thanks to everyone here and unfortunately to my recurring nightmares, it is still a relief to have you say to me that I am not a...

@Hashi You are so very wise. This sounds like what I must do. I will work on it. I am also keeping a dream diary until I see my T again in a few weeks time. Safety sounds like something I must work more on as well, as I realised in the EMDR session that I had a lot of trouble establishing a...

It's a tough environment to be in. I hope you can get out soon. The guilt belongs with them, not with you. Hugs to you, if that's ok.

I realise that the invalidation I experienced is just rife in my family - I realise that my father's depression after aggressive cancer treatment is now being invalidated by the rest of my family, even though they don't mean to do it.

The diagnosis explained a lot of things for me, that I had experienced on and off my whole life. It was very validating, important in the highly invalidating environment I grew up in (and is still there). It meant that I wasn't just a defective human being, despised for being fearful (by my...

@Solara perhaps you are right. You are also right about how damaging the emotional stuff can be. The other things that I listed earlier (like the asthma attack, hiding from the rapist) were scary, but much more damaging in my family's non-response or even acknowledgement of my experience. I...

I like your horse analogy @scout86 ! I do have other symptoms, and have done on and off in patches as long as I can remember. Intrusive memories, mainly of the emotional abuse stuff, but also of sexualized play from about 4, flashbacks, hyperarousal, triggered behaviours, easily startled...

That does sound horrific. I only had nightmares and lots of dissociation. I hope you never go back there. Hugs back!

Thanks @Hashi . I don't know if my subconscious will be able to tell me, as I suspect I was only 3. It's very tempting to try, even though it scares me deeply. I tried to force it too, by making myself think about things as I was going to sleep one day soon after EMDR when things were ticking...

My only experience with EMDR was nothing for ages, then I hit some emotion which went on and on and was terrifying, then I was badly dissociated afterwards and she had to work to bring me "back". I feel it did something, but there also feels like more is trapped. It also felt like I'd...

Well done. It's never easy to see our own stuff, because we're often so trapped in it and blind to it. It's a very big step you've made, great work!

Hey DOTI, well done for overcoming your denial in posting here! I have struggled with it too (still am). I hope you benefit from coming here, I know I have. It's a great place. So - Welcome!

Yes, that's how it goes around in circles isn't it? I really appreciate your support on this, as I am aware from other posts of your own difficulties in this area, particularly with dissociation. I'm only just becoming aware of how much I do dissociate, as I've been doing it in her office and...

@kellio I'm so sorry. You may not feel like you're in a place to consider it, but sometimes I find if I delay a decision it helps. I would find it triggering also - others have had trouble too. The moderators aren't meaning it to be personal, but it's hard for those of us who've been...

Shame - interesting you mention it. My T recently told me that until I can start to let go of the shame, I cannot begin to move forward. I'm having trouble with it too. But really - we didn't draw this stuff on ourselves. It just happened to us. The shame belongs with other people, not with...

@Jezanna That does help actually. Could be what's happening. My family does try to "disappear" stuff. If they can pretend it didn't happen, then maybe it didn't happen (in their way of thinking). Like a toddler who thinks that if they can't see you, you can't see them. They catch me up in...

I so appreciate the input! Well, the earliest flashback happened when I was about 7. @Abstract Out of curiosity - the others you "met" - what did the flashbacks turn out to be? Are you saying those people didn't have flashbacks before it was suggested to them? I've even questioned myself as...

Hi Kellio. I'm sorry you went through so much. That was very brave of you, to start to write this down. Well done. You are not alone here.

Hey Maggiemay (love your avatar by the way), it does seem really confusing. I've struggled with this kind of confusion also, particularly recently after my first EMDR. There had already seemed to be indications of something weird, as my T suspected I had a "dissociated part" that had...

Hi Dendrite, Welcome to the Forum! I hope you find it helpful. :)

Hey Cat - Welcome to the forum! I'm glad you found us - this is an amazing place, so supportive. And people really understand. I hope it helps you.

I'm having a hard time after talking to my brother. He's the only one in my family that knows I have PTSD, and I haven't felt able to tell the others. My family has always had a bit of a "tradition" in minimising stuff that's happened to me, even life-threatening stuff. Not out of malice, but...

@Ms Spock That was great feedback - I hadn't even noticed that I'd done it. I guess I can glean from her initial response that the city we lived in (which was a decade later than the time I was interested in) was possibly the only place she ever had to lock the doors. I also wonder if she...

@franciemarnie That was such a great suggestion, I appreciate it very, very much! It did come up, and there was a photo of the front of the house, which was highly helpful. No floor plan unfortunately, but the main thing I had wanted to check my memory on was whether I was correct in thinking...