Fragmented Self, Dissociation, Disorganised Attachment... Confused!

[Maggiemay]

Haven't been around as generally I was doing better. Started new job, which on the whole is a positive change... But...

Realised I'm still me - I can't run away from myself. Took a dip back in December and back seeing T after a 4 month break. Things are tricky again physically. My body does a lot of somatising, currently the latest is IBS, fibromyalgia and sciatica... Fun! *sigh*

Being re-referred to psychiatrist for a new assessment (it's been 18 months since the last one). Although I'm doing better than I was, I'm still struggling more than I should. T thinks I need a mood stabiliser (currently on an antipsychotic and anti depressant, as well as lots of diff drugs for physical health).

She's booked us both onto a course in July about trauma and body memories which I'm hoping will be helpful and we're reattempting EMDR after I failed to even install a safe place last time we tried.

I've done lots of reading up as want to succeed this time and not end up back are I started again. But getting myself so confused and distressed I'm be becoming quite desperate and panicked.

I have a current diagnosis of BPD and complex PTSD, but my main difficulties are around dissociation - namely depersonalization and derealism. I thought these symptoms had settled, until I realised how much it was still happening to such an extent I'm loosing whole chunks of time. I always thought it was a symptom of BPD, but the more I read the more I think it's severe enough to be a disorder in its own right. I def fit the criteria for depersonalization disorder.

I also realised last session how much I'm still fragmenting - it makes me feel crazy and psychotic and out of control. I used to have 6 different personality fragments and thought I'd managed to reintegrate them, but it appears not. They're not fully developed distinct personalities/alters so can't be DID but I still find it hard to manage, and again wondering if it's more then just a symptom of BPD.... Where does the line lie?...

Another thing worrying me and adding to the chose in my head is attachment. I have done a lot of work on it previously - my attachment style is very much insecure and disorganized. It's and area I find challenging and not uncommon amount borderlines. But, yet again... Is this just BPD? Sigh...

I feel I'm so desperate for help and to be well I'm becoming obsessed at trying to find answers, which I can't and am making myself increasingly more confused. I just don't get it all. I need to talk I through with T to alleviate my anxieties and can see myself becomming panicked by it all. And hopefully when I see psych I'll be able to find some answers. I have been told for years I have complex needs and had been refused services because of this, but I'm now at a point where that is making sense - I can't get my head around it all right now. I hate feeling confused.

Where is the line between a symptom and seperate diagnosis?.... Burgh....

 

[Didntaskforthis]

Don't try to diagnose yourself, or wrap your head around something so complex. This is feeding the panic, try toand andkeep busy on something else.anf a So sorry you have been denied svs. BPD is a very difficult, and complex diagnosis. I had the same diagnosis before, and its an OPINION, not set in stone, it has since been changed, and attempting to find an answer while deep into symptoms is a loosing game. Give T a chance

 

[Maggiemay]

I know you're right but desperate for wellness and answers. Need to get crafty stuff out to occupy me. Definitely a complex diagnosis, which I've always known, but now starting to make sense of why. Sadly I have been diagnosed by different professionals at various points in my adult life, so I can't dispute it - even now I'm not acting out it still fits.

T is fab - I've seen her on and off for 2 years. She's the only I've ever trusted. She's kept in contact and I know she genuinely cares.

I think I've sorted safe place ready for emdr on Monday - downloaded photos so hopefully will be easier to visualise than last time. And looking into vibrating pads as part off the reason I struggled before is that I struggled to focus visually and couldn't track movement which made me stressed and anxious l I hate touch so it can't be her touching me as when I start processing I will lash out and hit her as will feel threatened. And sound not an option as it'll make me dissociate rather than stay in the present...

I really want this to work, hopefully I won't just fragment like I did last week, ending up really confrontational. But if I do I guess I'm going to have to try and speak and verbalise what's happening, allowing the different parts of me to be expressed...

 

[Didntaskforthis]

Just wanted to let you know it sounds like you have also thought things out realistically, and know what you do and do not respond to, as effective as you communicate here, I am sure you can express to your T exactly what you need to progress. Having a good T is important, and I never appreciated as much as I should have, howfortunate I was to see the same person for years, and not have to explain things every time. I am going to a new place that is still sorting things out, and have too actually speak to my psych Dr. through tele med., and things re very, very rushed. I am hanging in there and hoping for a T to do cog. behavioural therapy as I know that really helps me, and it is more personal. Please let us know how it goes, andI will be thinking about you and hoping for the best !! Just learning to navigate this site, sorry about all the garbled speechbin above pist. Take it easy on yourself, you got this!

 

[Maggiemay]

Thanks :-)

I'm not great at communicating verbally, especially when stressed as then fragment then have to try and suppress one part of me - usually the destructive part to enable me to be rational . I also have elective mute tendencies which can get in the way. So, I often need time to process so I send her emails often when my thoughts are more organised. I always tell her even when my destructive fragment is most in control, everything is going in but it takes time for me to accept what's being said.

We have very clear treatment goals this time around which is good. Helps me to be able to see measurable progress. We've written a graded heirachy with about 12 things I want to achieve.

Good luck with CBT :-)

 

[macca]

Hey Maggiemay (love your avatar by the way), it does seem really confusing. I've struggled with this kind of confusion also, particularly recently after my first EMDR. There had already seemed to be indications of something weird, as my T suspected I had a "dissociated part" that had fragmented off (maybe about 3yrs). This seems to be the only bit, so not the same extent as you, but seems similar. I've had trouble understanding it. This seemed to come out in EMDR as well, and in the aftermath. I too had trouble with establishing a safe place - I'm glad you think you've found a way to sort that issue out. Hoping it all goes well.

 

[Maggiemay]

Thanks Macca :-)

Glad I'm not alone! My fragments range from very young (pre -verbal which makes sense as I didn't talk til I was3 1/2!) to late teenage years (my most destructive and volatile) with many in between. I find these 2 extremes the ,most frightening and hardest to control given the way they manifest. The pre-verbal part would make sense of why I have so many body memories that are purely physical flashbacks (that hurt like hell and I hate hate hate them! Luckily they're a lot less frequent these days!)

From what I've read about dissociation and EMDR, it appears the therapist needs to adapt their prasctise slightly. I've full on dissociated and had flashbacks with her which are horrendous, but probably also long term the most valuable sessions where I've learnt so much.

Glad I'm not the only one who has struggled with safe place it's particularly hard as I don't feel I ever/have ever felt truly safe. Everything I can think of has been tainted in some way. But I'm willing to give it a go.

 

[macca]

My only experience with EMDR was nothing for ages, then I hit some emotion which went on and on and was terrifying, then I was badly dissociated afterwards and she had to work to bring me "back". I feel it did something, but there also feels like more is trapped. It also felt like I'd experienced somebody else's emotions, like it didn't belong to me. Felt very weird.

Everything I can think of has been tainted in some way.

Yes, I feel the same way. I guess we could still go somewhere "safe" in our imagination, if it lets us!

 

[Maggiemay]

Hugs! Sounds scary! Last time we did trauma work I was retraumatised and in a place of heightened anxiety and frequent flashbacks/ seizures/ dissociation/ black outs - it was horrific, I really don't want to go back there! :(

 

[macca]

That does sound horrific. I only had nightmares and lots of dissociation. I hope you never go back there. Hugs back!

 

[Maggiemay]

Thanks, me too! :( I was off work for over 4 months because of it. It was very scary and left me feeling very unsafe. Luckily meds helped control it eventually. My T has def seen me at my worst *sigh*