The session didn't go at all the way I expected. I told her that I've been fantasising for weeks about firing her and that the thought of it (at the time when I'm having it) feels exhilarating at first but then becomes very anxiety-making.
I expected her to pick up the thread from what she said last time, which was that the extreme feelings I am having about her/the relationship (intense attachment/anger/complete disconnection) are not about her but that they have historical roots around attachment. So, I thought by telling her about the firing fantasy and how raging I feel in it, that would give us an in to explore some historical stuff together and what I'm really raging about because I'm not sure about what the roots are.
Instead, we ended up having a very literal conversation about whether I wanted to stop therapy (with her or maybe altogether) or take a break. She wasn't actually suggesting I stop/take a break (she was very clear about that!) but was putting them out there as options (as well as continuing) I think to emphasise that I have power in the relationship and that I have a choice about whether I want to stay in the relationship or leave. She said that some people cannot tolerate how excruciating the therapeutic relationship feels and that they therefore make a choice to leave it. So, if I wanted to leave or take a break, that was ok and we will work on it together so that I leave "consciously."
And I found it stressful - because I don't want to leave and I was finding it worrying that she was talking about me leaving - and I couldn't speak very much and couldn't look at her.
So...yeah...not quite what I expected! And I felt worried and teary that evening but didn't go into a huge meltdown thinking she doesn't want me to go anymore, which I think is what I would have done a few months ago. So, I guess that is progress?!
I actually emailed her the next day - not an angry or anxiety driven email, just a "there were some things I really wanted to say but I couldn't get any words out, so I just wanted to share them somehow before I see you next time" kind of thing. I told her I didn't want to stop therapy and that I wasn't going to walk away from something that's really important to me just because it feels particularly hard at the moment. I said I am feeling very frightened in sessions at the moment but I don't know why. I said I wasn't expecting the literal conversation about leaving therapy and perhaps next time we can look at historical roots and I would give that some thought before I see her.
Although I didn't feel great about how the session went while I was there or that evening, I have actually felt much better since. I feel a sense of relief. And I haven't felt angry with her or fantasised about firing her once since the session, whereas I had been doing it several times a day for a few weeks. I don't know if it's just because I said it or whether it was something she said or whether it was sending the email - probably a combination. But...yeah...there is definitively a sense of relief and I feel calmer.
I think the things I wrote on the sheet - which she felt was all about attachment - the other week still stands so I definitely think it is worth us diving into that a bit. But I am glad that something seems to have calmed a bit and that the firing fantasy has stopped (for now, at least!)
