Paranoia of Therapists Ending Yet Another Therapeutic Relationship

[Paranoid-BedBug]

I have a lot of trauma around therapists and doctors.

My father was a doctor who lost his medical license for sexually assaulting nurses and performing elective surgery on patients there for unrelated surgery.

My mother was a child psychologist who worked with sex offenders in prison.

They both did 'the very bad things to children.' (I have specific memories that are unchanging, but fragmented. I don't have evidence, and I feel convinced I must have perfect memories and proof and that everyone thinks I'm a liar to get attention. I don't want attention, I'm an absolutely paranoid hermit! I want to stop remembering!)

My parents also recruited school counselors and clergy to their 'point of view' before therapy started. I was forcibly hospitalized as a young child for suicidal ideation after I was abused.

So... I have a great deal of distrust of therapists and doctors.

I try therapy of some kind, they say something that triggers intense flashbacks, and I accuse the medical professional of pathologizing me.

It's incredibly painful. I'm partially dissociated. My vision blurs. I'm not present.

And when I come out of it, I'm so ashamed, my muscles ache, and I've got a headache from crying.

My latest therapist started our second session saying she'd diagnose me with schizotypal PD.

That was a first in the psychotic cluster category of snap judgments.

I was instantly triggered. Nothing was accomplished.

I don't trust her anymore to not pathologize or judge me.

At least now, she's got good reason, I went into my accusatory inner child, accusing her of labeling me to 'other' and infantalize me as 'crazy.'

My goal had been to get training on how to do EMDR on my own time. I've yet to figure out how to keep remembering intentionally after I flash back.

I'm feeling so miserable and defeated, ashamed and shamed, guilty and pitiful.

I'm sure I have ALL the PDs at this point, and it's all rooted in deep trauma. I'm crazy, all right, but I'm too terrified and paranoid to get therapy.

How can I get therapy when I have every reason to distrust therapists and doctors?!

Why do I feel so ashamed of my dissociated reactions. I went to therapy so I can stop that from happening, and it happened almost instantly!

 

[PamelaS]

I have a lot of trauma around therapists and doctors.

My father was a doctor who lost his medical license for sexually assaulting nurses and performing elective surgery on patients there for unrelated surgery.

My mother was a child psychologist who worked with sex offenders in prison.

They both did 'the very bad things to children.' (I have specific memories that are unchanging, but fragmented. I don't have evidence, and I feel convinced I must have perfect memories and proof and that everyone thinks I'm a liar to get attention. I don't want attention, I'm an absolutely paranoid hermit! I want to stop remembering!)

My parents also recruited school counselors and clergy to their 'point of view' before therapy started. I was forcibly hospitalized as a young child for suicidal ideation after I was abused.

So... I have a great deal of distrust of therapists and doctors.

I try therapy of some kind, they say something that triggers intense flashbacks, and I accuse the medical professional of pathologizing me.

It's incredibly painful. I'm partially dissociated. My vision blurs. I'm not present.

And when I come out of it, I'm so ashamed, my muscles ache, and I've got a headache from crying.

My latest therapist started our second session saying she'd diagnose me with schizotypal PD.

That was a first in the psychotic cluster category of snap judgments.

I was instantly triggered. Nothing was accomplished.

I don't trust her anymore to not pathologize or judge me.

At least now, she's got good reason, I went into my accusatory inner child, accusing her of labeling me to 'other' and infantalize me as 'crazy.'

My goal had been to get training on how to do EMDR on my own time. I've yet to figure out how to keep remembering intentionally after I flash back.

I'm feeling so miserable and defeated, ashamed and shamed, guilty and pitiful.

I'm sure I have ALL the PDs at this point, and it's all rooted in deep trauma. I'm crazy, all right, but I'm too terrified and paranoid to get therapy.

How can I get therapy when I have every reason to distrust therapists and doctors?!

Why do I feel so ashamed of my dissociated reactions. I went to therapy so I can stop that from happening, and it happened almost instantly!

I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through at the hands of people who took an oath to care for you. You don’t have to put up with that, and the last thing you need is more trauma on top of what you have already been through.

I completely understand your experience with medical and mental health caregiving and practices! I have a bogus diagnosis as well from a facility that I went to in a crisis for PTSD. They didn’t even have PTSD as a diagnosis! I don’t trust the system either!
I strongly recommend that you look into somatic treatment, it is a much gentler specified treatment for PTSD. I now have a trauma specialized therapist who is gentle. I have never been triggered from her. I fired my last therapist after he screamed at me that edema is not a side effect of the medication that the hospital put me on! Absolutely absurd! The edema started when they put me on that medication and it stopped when I took myself off of it.

I want you to know that you have found a safe place. This forum has been a tremendous blessing for me. People here get it and we are all here to support and encourage one another in our healing journey. Welcome to the forum. We are here to help one another. Feel free to reach out anytime.

 

[Friday]

They both did 'the very bad things to children.' (I have specific memories that are unchanging, but fragmented. I don't have evidence, and I feel convinced I must have perfect memories and proof and that everyone thinks I'm a liar to get attention. I don't want attention, I'm an absolutely paranoid hermit! I want to stop remembering!)

My parents also recruited school counselors and clergy to their 'point of view' before therapy started. I was forcibly hospitalized as a young child for suicidal ideation after I was abused.

So... I have a great deal of distrust of therapists and doctors.

Yes. Sick f*cks are… everywhere. They’re the teeny tiny minority, but every profession, every class/socioeconomic, every… everything. Nothing & nowhere is “inherently” safe, from predators. The contrary, really, as the more vulnerable a population? The more predators use it as a watering hole. From the sacred, the child, the hurting, the desperate? Predators target those places, times, people. And worse? Or maybe the ONLY good thing they ever do? They have kids. Who survive them.

I'm sure I have ALL the PDs at this point, and it's all rooted in deep trauma. I'm crazy, all right, but I'm too terrified and paranoid to get therapy.

Good news! You were born after the printing press AND you’re smart.

The first time I got my PTSD symptoms to nill? I didn’t read a single word on the topic. I just paid attention.

The second time my PTSD went haywire? I broke out the books. Not just modern psych but Ancient Greece & Rome, et al. As people have been surviving & thriving DIFFICULT parts of life… for always. Ancient texts. Civil war journals. Modern websites.

Yep! Good/Great therapists? Help.
Nope! Shit therapy is worse than no therapy.

There’s an in-between in that space.
Which is learning what you need… outside of therapy.

 

[Rose White]

and I feel convinced I must have perfect memories and proof and that everyone thinks I'm a liar to get attention.

Very much relate! That’s a tough place to be in. And to not want any of it from either side. Exhausting. And sorry about your shitty parents.

strongly recommend that you look into somatic treatment

I think that’s a great idea. Developmental trauma sometimes needs to step outside of words for a while—sometimes for a long while.

the more vulnerable a population? The more predators use it as a watering hole.

Ugh. So true. I’ve talked about how my pedophile sociopath grandpa studied behaviorism under Skinner and sexology under Kinsey—in the great state of Indiana after the war ended. I used to think they f*cked him up because he used electric shocks on his babies and f*cked his stepdaughter (sorry for the stupid words) but now I realize like you said, all that shit was just like a watering hole for his particular flavor of perversion.

From the sacred, the child, the hurting, the desperate

This is profound. And I have been learning that capitalism mirrors this predation—but I’m not going to say anything about that

maybe the ONLY good thing they ever do? They have kids. Who survive them.

This is so kind-hearted of you to say.

 

[sidptitala]

How can I get therapy when I have every reason to distrust therapists and doctors?!

You really do have every reason not to trust them- you've had terrible experiences and there are a lot of untrustworthy doctors and therapists out there. By not trusting you are protecting yourself from having those experiences again.

(Personally I really struggle to trust anyone with power over me. And as much as it's a pain in the ass most of the time and stops me looking for help, I also try to think of it as a sign that I can trust myself not to allow myself to be exploited again - mistrust makes me feel like I will have my own back - so I try to let my guard down a little trusting that i will understand warning signs).

I'm sure I have ALL the PDs at this point, and it's all rooted in deep trauma.

Like others have said, I would look into gentler and more somatic forms of therapy. I would also try to find a therapist who does not believe in personality disorders and understands that distress comes from trauma (not from a disorder in you). These do exist (more in some parts of the world than others, but they do).

 

[Applecore]

Something wrong with my account today - sorry please delete this

 

[Applecore]

I have a lot of trauma around therapists and doctors.

My father was a doctor who lost his medical license for sexually assaulting nurses and performing elective surgery on patients there for unrelated surgery.

My mother was a child psychologist who worked with sex offenders in prison.

They both did 'the very bad things to children.' (I have specific memories that are unchanging, but fragmented. I don't have evidence, and I feel convinced I must have perfect memories and proof and that everyone thinks I'm a liar to get attention. I don't want attention, I'm an absolutely paranoid hermit! I want to stop remembering!)

My parents also recruited school counselors and clergy to their 'point of view' before therapy started. I was forcibly hospitalized as a young child for suicidal ideation after I was abused.

So... I have a great deal of distrust of therapists and doctors.

I try therapy of some kind, they say something that triggers intense flashbacks, and I accuse the medical professional of pathologizing me.

It's incredibly painful. I'm partially dissociated. My vision blurs. I'm not present.

And when I come out of it, I'm so ashamed, my muscles ache, and I've got a headache from crying.

My latest therapist started our second session saying she'd diagnose me with schizotypal PD.

That was a first in the psychotic cluster category of snap judgments.

I was instantly triggered. Nothing was accomplished.

I don't trust her anymore to not pathologize or judge me.

At least now, she's got good reason, I went into my accusatory inner child, accusing her of labeling me to 'other' and infantalize me as 'crazy.'

My goal had been to get training on how to do EMDR on my own time. I've yet to figure out how to keep remembering intentionally after I flash back.

I'm feeling so miserable and defeated, ashamed and shamed, guilty and pitiful.

I'm sure I have ALL the PDs at this point, and it's all rooted in deep trauma. I'm crazy, all right, but I'm too terrified and paranoid to get therapy.

How can I get therapy when I have every reason to distrust therapists and doctors?!

Why do I feel so ashamed of my dissociated reactions. I went to therapy so I can stop that from happening, and it happened almost instantly!

You're very welcome. I'm one of your many allies here. For what it's worth, both my parents worked in psychotherapeutic roles, and both of them 'mildly' sexually abused me when I was a child (it wasn't rape, but it was still profoundly wrong and actually illegal).

I've pretty much forgiven them as a middle aged adult, both of them had been severely sexually traumatized as children and I now know they were unconsciously processing what they had been through when they did what they did to me. No excuse, but it helped me understand and do better than they did.

Their attraction to psychotherapeutic professions was their preferred method of treatment for their own problems, and I believe the balance of therapists and psychiatrists out there are similarly motivated.

Many help others in spite of themselves, some literally freak out when you tell them you are the survivor of abuse from a psychotherapist and can't cope, they say, "because of of something called transference" (as if we've never heard of it).

Perhaps not surprising that every therapist I have tried out simply doesn't work out for me, and I fired them within a few sessions. Self-help books worked. Read as much as you can, because most of the books out there are to throw away, but the ones that fit can save your life.

Also: fire bad friends and keeping looking for good ones. We need joy and awe and exercise in nature as well as to work on ourselves. And jokes.