Sufferer Childhood Trauma

[kellio]

Hi ,

I am trying to write this without too much detail as I can't write everything yet without ending up a giant mess. Thank you for listening, this is just a brief outline.

I am 34 yo and in dec 2013 my mum who suffered with bipolar all my life, took her own life. It has caused me to start reliving stuff I buried for a long time. My mum and dad were pregnant and married by 17yo. My mum had me a month after her 18th birthday. I went home to my grandma for 6 weeks while she was kept in hospital and diagnosed with bipolar.

My mum and dads relationship was volitle. i'm not going to go into detail as I dont want to trigger anyone or me. They split up and I was back and forth between them. Loads happened that i cant write yet its too painful until eventually my mum proper snapped and attacked me on my 8th birthday. I eventually ended up with my dad's family.

My dad was an alcoholic and with a woman that hated me. To cut a really long story short I went to live with them and after 3 years I attempted to run away. My plan was foiled by the woman and all hell broke lose. My dads mum eventually took me in at 12yo. By then I was already controlling food and occasional purging.

I may try to edit this later if thats possible as more happened but right now I feel like I am going to be sick. I just want to meet people who understand ptsd as feel so alone right now. Sorry its a bit garbled. Thank you x

 

[macca]

Hi Kellio. I'm sorry you went through so much. That was very brave of you, to start to write this down. Well done. You are not alone here.

 

[kellio]

Thank you. Tired of my own mind, tired of this lonely feeling and tired of hating myself. Time to be open and unashamed of my past. Thank you macca :happy:

 

[macca]

Shame - interesting you mention it. My T recently told me that until I can start to let go of the shame, I cannot begin to move forward. I'm having trouble with it too. But really - we didn't draw this stuff on ourselves. It just happened to us. The shame belongs with other people, not with us. You were a kid - it's not your fault.

 

[kellio]

I am sorryto this forum that ididnt double space, when you are accessing horrible thoughts and trying to share you can forget rules such as double spacing! Removing my avatar and account info and deleting my account. I thought this place was to help not have admin trigger me off from my first ever post.

Thanks macca for your posts x sorry but well upset and cant stay here. Good l6ch, dont self doubt macca and trust your instincts. Good luck x

 

[DOTI]

Hug X

 

[macca]

@kellio I'm so sorry. You may not feel like you're in a place to consider it, but sometimes I find if I delay a decision it helps. I would find it triggering also - others have had trouble too. The moderators aren't meaning it to be personal, but it's hard for those of us who've been criticised a lot in childhood to cope with. I hope you can find a way to stay, and if you can't - I wish you all the very best in your recovery, and in life.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

@kellio welcome here.

When I first came here I was ashsmed and distraught. I felt alone and isolated. In my desperation I searched the net snd stumbled upon this forum.

I can hand on heart now testify I could not have found a better one if I had tried.

You will not be judged here and will find loads if love and friendship as well.

You will take your own time ti post details and in your own tume you can self heal. Take your time and the day will come when you can ealk tall and not feel ashamed of yourself.

Massive hugs if you accept them.

Laurie 71

 

[Leanne1]

On one of my first posts, I got a message that i was breaking the agreed upon rules by writing , "i" instead of "I" It was a type error, i wasn't writing in text format..... It was hard. I took it personally for a bit, but decided to let it go and be more careful.... Feels a bit like school, and writing a paper for a teacher, but, I suppose they want the things people write to be easy for other people to read?

I am new here also, and have found the people here to be really supportive to each other, and a rare place where people will understand what you are going through... I would reconsider leaving...

 

[Leanne1]

I might get the message again.. I forgot to proof read, and I did it again!!!!! lower case!!!! I might get another warning. In my defense, usually my computer automatically corrects that.

@kellio I a sorry to hear what you went through. I hope you are getting the support you need in your life, as well as here. You shouldn't feel alone.

Are you seeing a therapist? I am finding it really helpful having someone who I can at least attempt to talk to about what I am going through.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

@kellio,
Try not to worry. I think that most of us have received a grammar warning at one point!

After you've been here awhile you'll appreciate the grammar rules because it prevents people from writing entire posts in abbreviated text type and makes the forum so much more readable.

 

[Marf]

Welcome! It is wonderful to have so many people understand what you are going through. It really helps the loneliness feeling.