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That's not normal. You need to go to the higher ups and report those cops. A higher court maybe?

Self sabotage in this respect has been the worst part of recovery because "why would I turn against myself like that".

But the worst part about this all is years ago, I was able to recover from the shame of having these distressing thoughts but when I was going through a hard time, I found myself sabotaging myself with these thoughts on purpose amd making myself feel guilty for no reason. I had never done that...

Yes, I do. And this part of dealing with the trauma has been the worst part. When I was younger and it happened, I was sooo confused because I rememeber thinking to myself that I was never sexually abused. So I have told my therapist about it when recalling memories I do remember from my...

Yes

@ladee , have you experienced unwanted fears or intrusive thoughts pop into your head? Mind were as I described in the above posts which is confusing for me to explain. I felt that I had healed from it but apparently according to how I acted five years ago, I feel like I've recreated my OCD all...

Can anyone else who experiences intrusive thoughts relate to this as well?

And just to let you know, I am seeing an awesome therapist who does EMDR but it's just taking such a long time to get past this in part because I am stubborn amd the other part, this caused me to stop attending meetings in my religion and eventually come across "apostate literature" and start...

So one last thing, after being a perfectionist amd trying to be as good as I could for so many years and not getting anything back except for healing physical symptoms, as you know, I sabotaged myself starting from randomly one day trying to push God's holy spirit away by thinking an intrusive...

And from then on, I tried being as careful as I could to follow the religion and keep myself "chaste" and "clean" and became a perfectionist in the religion. I also remember being a perfectionist when I was a kid because I was scared of making mistakes because my dad was an @$$#ole and abusive...

I don't remember exactly when this started happening but I think late teens, maybe even earlier, feeling like a was somehow dirty. Then when I started experiencing obvious PTSD symptoms in my late teens, I remember having anxiety and holding my breathe when I was physically close to someone. And...

Sorry if this sounds repetitive. I just want to be able to relate to others so I can process this, forgive myself, and move forward. I'm just so confused about all this and why I reacted the way I did. OCD PTSD childhood abuse cult

For some reason, whether it's true or not, I feel like my story is weird and not normal and I wish it never happened because it has ruined the last five years of my life, in addition to leaving my religion which is a cult and losing my friends and being disfellowshipped just for no longer...

After this experience, I thought I was being so stupid and didn't even know why. I also became extremely angry with God because I somehow thoight that perhaps through this, this was just roof that no matter how much good I do, I am just another imperfect human being. Like what are you trying to...

So one of the main reasons I am on this forum currently is to overcome the shame and guilt I have from the next part of what I am going to post in this thread. This is the story that I have been seeking help from my therapist with: By my mid-twenties, I was feeling good, healthy, had no more...

I just posted in another thread about this and I could relate to many of the posts. I wish I couldn't relate though. This has been the most painful part of my life to deal with, worse than any of the worst abuse or humiliation or hardships in life that I have ever endured. Having unwanted...

This whole thread is exactly what I have been experiencing since I was in my late teens. I have always had sexually intrusive thoughts and fears and they really freaked me out and made me feel like something deep inside me was terribly wrong. What further confused me is I have experienced...

Simply said, Ive just about had enough of it all!!!! Cuz Ive been through enougj sh*t to share with all. Lol. Trying to find some humor in all this bullsh*t.

And that is another f#&king sad story but I don't have time to get in to detail now. Thank you all for listening amd goodnight.

I was also very good in school and it was not cool to the other kids so when I was in middle school, I purposely got worse grades than I could have so I could fit in. I also noticed that since school and the religion (or the bible) came easy to me, my peers would come to me for answers to stuff...

I had to learn how to be happy in my own little world all by my lonesome self and all I wanted was people to like me and be friends with me growing up. The only people who were nice to me growing up were sweet older people in my congregation and my teachers at school.

Also, my 'best friend' growing up was mean to me and gossipped about me to her other friends in our congregation growing up and told them my family was weird and prevented them from being friends with me. And I couldn't be friends with anyone outside the religion so I found a way of not becoming...

Well this is the only thing I can think of the situation I am in. Growing up, paradise and a caring God who was going to solve all our problems, was the only solution at the time. Why? Because I was bullied by my mentally ill mom who would lie about me when my dad would get home, so my dad would...

And this is all in addition to enduring aweful, demeaning and isolating abuse from my parents for the first 18 years of my life, while growing up in a cult which prevents you from having any friends outside of it and constantly instills in you the fear of making mistakes and the impending doom...

I guess I have a s#&tload to say. Lol. I am just appalled at how much I have endured and and how strong I had to be to hold it all together for the first 26 years of my life including consistently making positive steps to heal my PTSD symptoms and then discovering that my 'friends' around me...