I am trying... but whenever i do end up angry & frustrated.

[saraemerald]

I am trying sooo hard to regain control over my life, but it seems that whenever I do, I end up feeling so angry and frustrated. I feel like saying, "I hate" to everything. On top of everything, I am trying so hard to eat well but my body seems so rebellious and it is causing me to hate being 31 years old. I currently have a very hateful attitude towards life and this attitude feels so volitile that it is embarassing and I am so ashamed. WTF is wrong with me!!!

 

[saraemerald]

I literally have so much anger that I feel like breaking things. I am sooo confused. I know I tried so hard to be the best person I can be with my life for sooo many years and then...
when I was in my mid 20's, I became an immature teenager ripping her life apart.
And now I am 31 years old, and I am paying for it now. What the f#%k dod I do wrong to deserve this?! And why did I suddenly become a stupid self-sabotaging freak out of the blue?! What am I supposed to do?
Put on a happy face and pretend nothing ever happened amd just continue living my life struggling to pay the bills?! Huh?! I thought there was way more to life than this.
If there is a God out there, I bet He enjoys laughing at us humans and our f#%king sorrows. What an a@@hat!

 

[turtlemoon]

I feel you. I really do. 33, and still struggling. And just when I get to the point where therapy is starting to help, I lost my job. Today. Now, not sure what to do.

But still... going to tell you some of what my therapist told me last night. I know you have heard this before, but THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

Folks like you and I, we are going to get through this. You know why? Because even after all we have been through leading up to us developing PTSD, we haven't given up. We keep going. We keep fighting. It may not always feel like it, but instead of throwing in that towel we keep swinging. We keep reaching out through the darkness, looking for that light that we lost along the way and once in awhile it shines bright for a moment. We cling to those moments and move forward. And over time, that light will get brighter. Those moments of relief and hope and light will get longer and longer. It will get better.

And one last thing... something I am working on hard today, despite being jobless, broke, and in one heck of a jam...

Be kind to yourself. You deserve it, and you are worth it.

 

[saraemerald]

I feel you. I really do. 33, and still struggling. And just when I get to the point where therapy is...

@turtlemoon, thank you. Your words are kind.
Life can be so weird and unfair sometimes but I guess we are somehow all in this together.

 

[turtlemoon]

Indeed we are. What we have been through would completely destroy a lot of folks. Yet, here we remain. Still fighting. For ourselves and for eachother.

We are going to get through this, if only because we are just to strong and stubborn to have it any other way.

 

[saraemerald]

Indeed we are. What we have been through would completely destroy a lot of folks. Yet, here we remai...

I feel so bad that I am sooo bitter now though. I'm not even trying to be bitter. I am just sick and tired of "keeping the peace", " keeping my mouth shut", "being positive", "having faith in God" and getting totally getting screwed over by all the a$$hats in the world that don't responsibility for their own damn lives and actions and screw people over without a second thought. And then people like us who try to be nice tell ourselves dumb excuses such as, "they must have been abused as a child" or "they must be hurting".
Well then what gives anyone an excuse to ever hurt another person! They get to blame their abusive actions on their upbringing!? Meanwhile, we have been abused very badly in our childhood and we make the choice ourselves that despite our hurt, we don't take it on others.
It seems like the people who at least try to be decent human beings get so hurt and screwed over by abusers and manipulators amd a@@hats that don't give a f#%king damn about anyone but themselves and their money and their social status and how they appear to other people! I am sooo pissed and angry.

 

[saraemerald]

I guess I have a s#&tload to say. Lol.
I am just appalled at how much I have endured and and how strong I had to be to hold it all together for the first 26 years of my life including consistently making positive steps to heal my PTSD symptoms and then discovering that my 'friends' around me could care less about my recovery. I also thought I was losing my faith and started to sabotage all the good in my life and started destroying myself, only to find out that I was raised in and part of a f#&king cult! Then I got disfellowshipped... The list goes on...

 

[saraemerald]

I guess I have a s#&tload to say. Lol.
I am just appalled at how much I have endured and and how s...

And this is all in addition to enduring aweful, demeaning and isolating abuse from my parents for the first 18 years of my life, while growing up in a cult which prevents you from having any friends outside of it and constantly instills in you the fear of making mistakes and the impending doom of armageddon and keeping you separate from the world around you.

 

[ladee]

For all the years it was 'unacceptable' to be angry..it had a long time to build up.
Don't hurt yourself or others. That won't make it go away.

It really is amazing that you are giving yourself permission to feel whatever is going on. And to question the ugly side of life.
That takes courage , and a commitment to getting better.
Do you feel you are stuck on a merry go round? Like Groundhod day..same thing everyday?
What would help you to get unstuck from this double bind?
Not saying to stop your feelings or stop asking questions.
But if you are not getting relief and no answers, what do feel will get you moving forward?

 

[saraemerald]

For all the years it was 'unacceptable' to be angry..it had a long time to build up.
Don't hurt yourself...

Well this is the only thing I can think of the situation I am in. Growing up, paradise and a caring God who was going to solve all our problems, was the only solution at the time. Why? Because I was bullied by my mentally ill mom who would lie about me when my dad would get home, so my dad would come into my room and start smacking me or in the living room, spank me until I wet my pants, every day. My sister was taught by my mom that I was bad and my sister would hurt me amd steal things frome and not get in trouble and would take side with my mom and antagonize me. My mom is now diagnosed with physcosis and cannot support herself. And she made us all think (not me because I could see through it) that she was allergic to percume and cigarette smoke and therefore could not go anywhere outside out home without a mask and an air purifier and now she smokes cigarettes. Go figure!

 

[saraemerald]

Also, my 'best friend' growing up was mean to me and gossipped about me to her other friends in our congregation growing up and told them my family was weird and prevented them from being friends with me. And I couldn't be friends with anyone outside the religion so I found a way of not becoming "too close" to anyone that was trying to be friends with me so that I would not do something against "God's only true organization". In the org, I tried being a good person and not a hipocrite and tried practicing what I preached amd others my own age were never good friends with me but rather became good at gossipping and being fake and competitive ect.
Even more, when I went to school, I was bullied by most of the kids around me. I had glasses from 2nd or 3rd grade on, my mom forced me to have the boy short Dorothy Hamal haircut, and my mom always picked clothes I was going to wear to school amd many of them were clothes she wore when she was a kid.

 

[saraemerald]

I had to learn how to be happy in my own little world all by my lonesome self and all I wanted was people to like me and be friends with me growing up. The only people who were nice to me growing up were sweet older people in my congregation and my teachers at school.