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Thank you @gizmo. I made a tiny meatloaf for one tonight with some instant mashed potatoes that my husband had hanging around the house last year. He bought them because he said he always liked to have "emergency food" around the house. I don't know how many MRE's we still have in the basement...

The dog and I took another long walk today. I didn't dress as warm as I should have because the thermometer said plus 4 but I forget about wind chills this time of year, so now I'm paying for it. I've been constantly chilled since we got back. It struck me as we were walking that it was quite...

Today was another trip to the bank to try to deal with outstanding estate issues. I held it together as long as I could but when I'm actually being asked these questions all over again, like, what was his date of death, it just zaps you back and tears you into pieces all over again. I think I...

@AngelkeeperJ/AKJ thank you, I had tea. I took it easy for the rest of the day until I felt more energy and then I tackled the household chores. I didn't get them all done, but I got something done and that is enough to take pride in today. @Heather, thank you so much for the reminder, you're...

I missed him a little more today. I had a bad trigger episode while walking the dog. I ended up on the floor crying for a half hour once we got back home. The dog and I were only 3 houses down at the corner when I heard the sirens in the distance. I tried to turn toward home but the dog dug...

So, I forget that this thread is public. I made mention of this forum accidentally to my sister the last time she was here and I think she is reading it. She's going on about narcissism and how she's a narcissist now...but she's proud of it and she uses it as a joke. Sadly I feel like she's...

It was a quiet day today. The dog and I napped until just after noon because it's frigid outside. In the afternoon I went looking for a charging cord in my husband's computer room, I came across a hard drive that I hadn't checked. I found our wedding video footage on it. His voice. You can...

Wow, I got about 4 hours of sleep. If he came to me in my sleep, I don't remember. After getting up to let the dog out and feed him his morning meal, I laid in bed with Netflix for another three hours. I finally decided after the alarm on my husband's watch went off that I needed to shower...

Can't sleep. A paramedic died today, I don't know how. Social media is bad for this kind of thing. I'm hoping it's not a suicide. I went to check news feeds to see if there was an accident. I searched paramedic dead and an article popped up from last month with my husband's photo on it. I...

So now I've spent the entire day wondering about all of those days I spent writing about how "badly" he treated me all those years. I wrote them down, I wrote down how horrible I felt, the anger I had stored up inside of me, the disappointment with how our relationship wasn't perfect and he...

Thank you everyone for your kind words. But for every up there is a crash. I'm upset and I don't know now whether or not to be angry with him. In all honesty, I feel like a fool. I've been missing him so much. And like I'm told his brother said at the funeral, "I'm a person of science..."...

Sleep restores a soul. He couldn't sleep. He just needed to get some sleep that night. Okay, so this is going to sound really weird and completely crazy... I HEARD HIM WHISPER THIS MORNING!! There is no way to say it that doesn't sound crazy. I was asleep. I heard the dog start fussing...

i'm depressed tonight. I heard a noise that startled both the dog and I. I saw the power bar that I have on the shelf slowly snake it's way off the shelf and fall to the floor. It happened pretty quick but I saw it happening. I thought as I went to pick it up, "Is that you? Why did you knock...

I was reading an article about narcissistic families and thinking about my husband's family dynamics. Certain things stuck out; first the stiff upper lip/all about appearances thing. My hubby said his mom repeatedly told them she tried to get them in the most prestigious private school, they...

@gizmo, he said he was sorry, he wanted to tell me that he had to go away but he wasn't allowed to. I'm not sure if that gives me any closure because all I get stuck on is that main theme where I keep imagining him coming home. My mind won't let go of that delusion where he's just gone...

I had a dream that he came home last night. I was sitting on the couch when I heard a key in the front door. I was confused because my sister wasn't supposed to be visiting (duh, she has his old key). The door opened and he came walking in. He had on his black jacket, brown pants and his boots...

@Shortie, when I was feeling suicidal I was scared because I always felt this strong urge just surging through my body, a very, very intense compulsion to harm myself. I would run to my room, throw myself on the bed, scream, cry and do everything in my power to stay on that bed. The more I...

@Shortie, please don't ever do that in front of your wife, the number of PTSD afflicted spouses of suicide in this world is UNBELIEVABLE, all because in a fit of rage or for some other reason, a husband decided his wife needed to see that. I'd seen too many on the job, I do actually know the...

@Lionheart777, thank you for being here. @gizmo, I'm not sure if I actually knew about your mom, I'm sorry. The whole question about time of death really bothers me and I was wondering if the report would bleat that up but apparently other survivors have said that it's not like CSI, they...

I'm back. I posed the question to an online survivor support group that I'm a part of and although many said the report was very detailed but didn't elicit any reactions, there were a few who openly said they are sorry they read it. Another woman full out said it made things worse for her and...

@gizmo, I haven't opened it, I'm afraid I might not be able to sleep. I'm afraid of generating nightmares. This is a big step. I have to be careful how I take it. It won't be tonight.

I just re-read the post I wrote describing that morning again and a chill went down my spine. I startled awake that morning - it WAS that morning. That's the only reason I woke up. A loud crash startled me and woke me up. It was the door on the bedside table. He kept his lock boxes in there...

@gizmo, I didn't mean to come across as unappreciative, I always appreciate your guidance. Your words carried me through at points, so thank you. Big hug back to you.

@HollyBeans27, my therapist was working with me pro-Bono for the first few weeks after my husband's death because I had no income. When I secured a meager income she agreed to "see me" at a reduced rate but I can only afford once per month because my income is limited. I quote "see me" because...

Uggh, nightmares. I don't complain about single nightmares anymore (which I've been having every night this week), it's those double and triple ones that get me. I woke up screaming and on the verge of tears. I dreamed someone fell on my dog and he was lying there spread eagled on the pavement...