My husband died today

[scout86]

What did he like?

He LOVED you. While you're thinking of ways to honor him on that day, remember that YOU were a big, important part of his life too. I'd bet he'd like it if you did something that YOU want to do that day. I'd bet he'd like to know that you're taking care of yourself, and moving forward with your life, and are able to forgive him.

That's a nice idea, to take some ashes to his grandparent's graves. You could do that, even if his mother already has. Would she even know if you did it? The ashes were given to you, to handle however you want, so I'd say you should do what feels right to you and not worry about her, or anyone else.

I'm glad you made it through Christmas! :hug:

 

[NarcSis]

@gizmo, they were dealing with a PTSD / grief stricken spouse anyway. I know they were treating it as a crime scene and it had to remain undisturbed to preserve evidence but no one ever allowed me to identify him. Ever. I don't know if my grief would have been easier to process if I'd seen him. I know there's always that protective, "You don't need to see him this way" attitude but sometimes the person does need to see their loved one. It should be up to the spouse to decide not a group of strangers.

@scout86, the sad thing is, we split the ashes, but because she lived 4 hours from the funeral home and she's elderly, I picked up her urn for her so she could either arrange to come here to get it or I could go there. The times I've offered to make the trip she's said "don't trouble yourself" and when I've invited them to meet me halfway they always say yes but don't make an effort to arrange a date or are always too busy. It's very frustrating for me and it really pains me to have him upstairs split into two containers. If they weren't going to bother they should have just let me keep him whole.

I was thinking of going hiking on that day. We were supposed to go hiking the day he died. Hiking was something he did for my sake after he hurt his neck. It gave him pain. It makes me feel guilty to think about it, the days I pouted because I needed to go out. I needed it more than he did. On our last hike the week before he died he kept stopping because his shoulder and neck were bothering him. I had said something to the effect of "we don't have to come out anymore if it just causes you pain." And he replied with, "No, it's good for me to be out here. It helps me feel better." I felt guilty, like I was dragging him along every time. I was just trying to keep him moving and holding on to living. I was hoping being out there would have the same healing effect that it did on me. He took his own life a week later. I felt worse. I felt like I pushed too hard. I felt like I was sending the wrong message to him - like I was reminding him of how incapable and unfit he was becoming. I just wanted him to feel better.

I needed my happy optimistic husband back. I was dying inside without him. I still am that's why I force myself to get out there still. I know being out there alone is dangerous; puts me at higher risk for isolated attacks and Lord knows the dog I got would probably only cause damage by wagging his tail too hard at a stranger, but I really don't care anymore. The risk? It means nothing anymore. I used to be so afraid to be out on my own in an isolated area and now I'm just like, if my lot in life is to be attacked or murdered by some insane person, or suffer some injury and succumb to the elements, it'll happen; so be it. Who am I to challenge fate? Fate has shown me its all encompassing power by taking my husband pointlessly; by stopping his life out of the blue. Who am I to say it wasn't supposed to be this way - it's like I'm reading a book and the end is already foretold. It will reveal itself as I go along. I can't predict it, so I guess I'm being willfully ignorant to danger in a way. I don't care anymore. Sh*t happens.

I'm in a bad mood today, sorry. I was supposed to do lunch with an old coworker who decided not to show up or even call.

I'm in a bit of an "I wish the world would go away" mood.

I need my hubby.

 

[NarcSis]

My sister is here. I told her I'm in a weird mood. She's been loud and thumpy since she walked in the door, dropping things, almost falling off the couch, scaring the bejeebers out of the dog repeatedly...calling him Bad Dog and I'm sorry, but not helping my mood at all.

My heart is beating a mile a minute and I feel like I'm barely breathing. I just want to go to my room, close the door and turn off the lights. I need some sensory deprivation therapy.

I think the dog does too, he's jumping at shadows and very jittery.

Oh, my hubby was my shield in these situations, she was never this loud or raucous when it was "his" house.

I need hubby.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Well in my opinion it is your house now and it is up to you to lay the boundary. I think going over a list of things you need from your sister is a good thing to do at this time.

I understand that you need your husband but it is up to you to set the standards and rules about being at your house. If it gets to be too much to you another option is to go into your bedroom if you think it is a good idea.:hug:

 

[NarcSis]

@gizmo, I really appreciate the advice, it's something I've tried to establish with her for, well, 44 years now. Boundaries were obeyed by her to a point when he was around but now he's gone, so there's no one to "outrank" her. She never has, nor ever will be fully respectful of anyone's boundaries - her favorite saying is, "Well, of course,it's all about me." She used to irk my hubby to no end sometimes. She's predictable yet difficult to predict which way her attitude will fall on any given issue. Happily inconsistent and willful. She's had 45 years of practice, expecting her to change is like expecting a volcano to erupt in rainbows.

She is by nature, loud, overbearing, willful at times, I believe purposely ignorant at other times and, well, highly narcissistic but with low self esteem. She flips sides like a fish. She is well intentioned a lot and believes "her way" is genuinely better for others so....her way or...the highway.

I'm more mousey, quiet, thoughtful, observant and a lot less forceful a personality than her. We're polar opposites that sometimes clash. She can't be silent, she can't understand why I need it to function because "she doesn't need to do that". Sometimes when she's in a hyper mood it's like asking a leopard to change its spots. Not going to happen, you just have lay low and wait until the "storm" passes.

Today she was okay but I catch myself thinking negative things like, "Uggh, she's talking about people I don't know and don't care about" or "Uggh, she's eating again, holy F!" This is the type of internal crap that went on when I was annoyed with my hubby. I try to shut it up and not let it bother me but in the end it builds up inside of me and I start to suffer. I start getting passive aggressive and I start feeling in a foul mood.

When doggy and I were getting ramped up today, I moved us to the floor, turned down the lights and started a deep breathing exercise right there. She kept quiet throughout. I fear she was more than likely chatting about me with someone on her phone because she was pretty absorbed in it but I got done what needed doing.

I'm hoping she's in an understanding mood when she returns for the one year anniversary. I need things to be okay on that day.

Uggh. I need to make a plan for that day.

 

[NarcSis]

Uggh, nightmares. I don't complain about single nightmares anymore (which I've been having every night this week), it's those double and triple ones that get me. I woke up screaming and on the verge of tears. I dreamed someone fell on my dog and he was lying there spread eagled on the pavement struggling to breathe. I woke up feeling so sick I couldn't sleep again.

It was just after 5 when I went to the bathroom. I looked toward the window and sensed the little voice inside me say, "See?" The light was as I remembered it that morning almost exactly. This was 5:03am. I wanted to go back into the bedroom and say, "Please don't get up, stay in bed with me." But I'd just be 11 months late on that one.

Instead I remembered saying, "Tin, you're getting up already? It's still early!"

I told him it was too early to get out of bed. I knew he was still upset. I knew he had hardly slept. He said he was too sore to lie down anymore. He was grumpy. He paused at the foot of the bed on my side and said his last words to me, "Do you need anything?"

His last words to me weren't romantic, they didn't indicate anything was seriously wrong, they were just regular words that seemed a little out of place for the time of day. Who would need anything at 5 am?

Uggh. Every day. It's like Grounghog Day. I look at the shadows; I go over what happened. I watch it play out helpless to do anything to change it.

:(

I'm so tired.

 

[ButterflyBean]

@Medic72 - I have been following this thread from the beginning, so forgive me for asking, but are you in therapy? If so, does your therapist have a policy regarding extra support between sessions?

The grieving process is different for everyone, but I lost someone very close to me just over three years ago. I'm sending gentle, supportive hugs your way. You are not alone! Please know that.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am so sorry @Medic72 I did not mean to offer unsolicited advice. I guess I was not thinking about how the words would affect or hurt you in any way.

Uggh. Every day. It's like Grounghog Day. I look at the shadows; I go over what happened. I watch it play out helpless to do anything to change it.

suddenly I understand and get a glimpse into how you are experiencing life nowadays. I am sending you hugs.:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

 

[NarcSis]

@HollyBeans27, my therapist was working with me pro-Bono for the first few weeks after my husband's death because I had no income. When I secured a meager income she agreed to "see me" at a reduced rate but I can only afford once per month because my income is limited. I quote "see me" because it's phone counseling due to distance. It sucks but it's all I have.

In between she advises me to utilize crisis lines, which I hate or she knows if I text her then I NEED to talk because I'm not the type to easily call for help.

After his suicide, I was surprised at the sheer lack of resources available to me in my area. There are no groups in areas I can safely navigate too; the closest safe group would be an hour away and driving after I'm triggered is dangerous.

I even tried local hospice organizations but they didn't get back to me.

To sum it up, it was sink or swim for me. I've come pretty close to drowning at points. 31 more days and I will have beat the odds.

31 more days to the anniversary of the worst day of my life.

God, please, send him home to me, just...please.

 

[NarcSis]

@gizmo, I didn't mean to come across as unappreciative, I always appreciate your guidance. Your words carried me through at points, so thank you. Big hug back to you.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

(((Medic72)))
You are in my thoughts and prayers ❤

 

[NarcSis]

I just re-read the post I wrote describing that morning again and a chill went down my spine. I startled awake that morning - it WAS that morning. That's the only reason I woke up. A loud crash startled me and woke me up.

It was the door on the bedside table. He kept his lock boxes in there. He slept in his clothes that night. All he had to do was reach in, open the top lockbox, carefully pry the Velcro of the pouch apart and slide out two shells into his hand. He was doing this when I woke up. He sat there talking to me and he was already intent on dying. He had already stuffed two shells in his pocket.

He sat there, on the bed, TALKING to me and he had two shotgun shells in his pocket!! He NEVER expressed any sadness, hesitation, or regret. He said nothing to me about how he was feeling. He didn't say he wanted to die; in his head he was GOING to die.

He got up, walked around that bed and KNEW the words he spoke to me would be his last. He KNEW this was the last time he was going to see me or speak to me and he said, "Do you need anything?"

Not I Love You, not I'll Miss You or Take Care of Yourself, nope, he said, "Do you need anything?"

He knew he was going to die. He asked me a stupid question! He never said he was sad, he was scared or he wanted to die, he just asked me a stupid, ridiculous question that made no sense to me!

He made up his mind, he sat up on the bed and tried not to wake me up while he removed two shotgun shells and placed them in his f'ing pocket!!

I woke up. My first concern was, "Are you okay!?" Because I saw him sitting up. We exchanged words with one another. I got up and went to the bathroom. I came back to bed. We spoke again. He got up. He paused and asked his question. He walked out of our room. I never saw him again until he was laying in his casket long dead.

He made up his mind. He was going to die. He died.

I don't understand how that could happen to him. The steps he needed to take BEFORE he even had opportunity for the suicide were very complex. It was a methodical process that he had to go through to die and it had to have taken some time. How in hell did he stay fully in that mindset for that whole length of time!?

Uggh. Now I really want to open that stupid coroners report. Should this be how I conclude 2016? Trying to answer some of these questions? Will that document help at all?

I'm afraid. I think I'll go get the envelope and sit with it for a bit.