My husband died today

[Tinyflame]

@Medic72 :hug::hug::hug: xoxox.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Medic:hug::hug::hug:

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

(((Medic)))❤

 

[Astrid_Shadow]

Oh my god..I am so sorry for your loss. I'm here with hugs and a listening ear should you need it @Medic72

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I have no suggestions, but I am sitting with you and listening to you speak.:hug:

 

[NarcSis]

So, I forget that this thread is public. I made mention of this forum accidentally to my sister the last time she was here and I think she is reading it. She's going on about narcissism and how she's a narcissist now...but she's proud of it and she uses it as a joke. Sadly I feel like she's poking fun at me each time she makes mention of it or posts an article about it on fb. She has no clue how much it would hurt me.

I used to talk openly about my using the forum to my husband and give him updates on things I'd learned or gone over with people regarding the PTSD issues. I trusted that he'd never go looking for the forum to spy on me. I knew I'd made a mistake the second it was out of my mouth with my sister - she is a spy, it's one thing she loves doing, that's why she's such a social media fiend. Social media had to be the worst invention for people like her. I don't measure my worth in how many "likes" my posts get or how many celebrities accept my friend requests.

I had a dream that I was with my hubby last night. We were in a new house. It had nice big windows on it, sort of a cottage but a two story one. It was kind of squared too, the roof was slanted and hung over the big picture window. You could look out over the water out the big window. There was a nice deck out front. The cottage was painted an almost black grey and had nice polished redwood accents on it. We were watching a storm coming over the water, everything was just nice and comfortable with us sitting on the couch but then someone burst through the door and told us we had to run, there were "things" that would kill us in the storm. Suddenly the storm was on us, hubby was trying to help me pack things to take and making sure I had all the emergency survival gear. I was upset because he wasn't packing his gear, he said, don't worry, I'll meet up with you again. (this makes no sense but) He opened one of the windows in the bedroom to help me climb down (two story house) and I was confused wondering why he wasn't coming with me, he just waved me away and told me to run. When I called back to him he said, "I'm already dead, keep going, get to a safe place!" It made sense to me so I turned and started running down the street.

He's already dead. He can't die again in my dreams. My dreams, my nightmares, can't hurt him.

I didn't tell you that I smelled his "cologne" last night. It's not cologne, it's deodorant, AXE spray but I smelled it strong like someone had just sprayed it in this house. I had just come from his room, the computer room and put away a bag of cords that were in the middle of the floor that I'd sworn I'd put back earlier that day, but I "spoke" to him and joked, "Tin, did you do that?" and I giggled as I left the room. I was still happy from watching our wedding video. As I started out of the room, that's when I began to smell the deodorant. It was right there on the computer desk untouched but I could smell the faintest smell of it. As I came down into the stairwell it got stronger. When I came to the lower landing, the dog was staring at the stairwell with his ears pulled back and a curious look on his face . I stopped. I was standing IN the strongest area of scent. I just stood there and closed my eyes and thought, "Are you here? Are you standing right here with me?" I smiled and hugged myself then said to the dog, "Do you smell daddy too? Is he here? Hi daddy."

I felt like the girl on The Sound of Music after she gets her first kiss. My heart was so light and so happy. I went to the bathroom just enjoying the scent and when I came back out a few minutes later, it was gone - just completely gone like it had never been there. So strange. I smelled it again later, so faint when I was sitting on the couch. I just relaxed back into the couch and reached over where he used to sit as though I was going to take his hand in mine. We used to do that. We'd reach out for one another when we were sitting on the couch and needed to be reminded that the other was still there. Sometimes I'd slide my leg close to him and he'd rest his arm on it or his hand - always making sure not to touch my foot, he hated feet.

I had also at one point sat with his little urn yesterday. I put it on my lap after I watched the wedding video and I just hugged onto "him". The dog hates that urn for some reason, I think he is not too fond of the scent or something, each time I go near it or bring it down he acts scared and stays away from me. i always try to reassure him, "that's 'daddy'"

I held his "hand" when I fell asleep last night.

I just miss him. I wonder how long until I don't miss him this badly anymore. No one can ever replace him and when people start trying to do the things he used to do with me, it makes me kind of angry inside - those were OUR special things, they don't belong to anyone but US. I still wish he could physically come back home to me. I miss being able to feel him.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

(((Dear Medic)))
I am SO happy for you....that you are watching your wedding video...and feeling him around you. I think the "universe" is answering your "need" to connect with Tin, especially now as the one year mark nears. Anything to lighten your heart, and bring the memories of your time together closer to you, so you can celebrate your LOVE!

Yes, he chose to leave, but YOU LOVED, AND WERE LOVED!!! You have TANGIBLE evidence!

Will your sister be able to read this thread? I don't think that would be healthy?

THANK YOU for every word that you write. You are changing my perspective on the world, and how my depression may affect the people who love me.

Have a good night :hug:

 

[Astrid_Shadow]

No one can replace the one you lost medic. Those smells of his cologne are his way of showing you that he is with you. You've gone through so much and Tin just wants to make sure your not alone. I don't find it right...people trying to do the things you used to do with him. Its not right and they should really stop and as for your sister I wish you the best of luck. From the sounds of things your gonna need it. And medic please remember this you are not alone. You have us and we will always be here to have your back. Sending lots of hugs your way *hugs*

 

[NarcSis]

I missed him a little more today. I had a bad trigger episode while walking the dog. I ended up on the floor crying for a half hour once we got back home.

The dog and I were only 3 houses down at the corner when I heard the sirens in the distance. I tried to turn toward home but the dog dug his paws in and turned into that toddler that goes limp in the middle of the mall. The sirens got louder. I started blocking one ear and humming but they kept getting louder so I started saying "Shhhhh Shhhhh Shhhhhh" repeatedly. I was afraid my neighbors would think I was crazy. Does this fire truck not come right down the street toward me! I just dropped to a squat, of course the dog comes over and I just turned all of my attention on him, petting him and talking to him until the fire engine passed.

I just wanted to get away so I started walking NOT toward my house!!!! I just went in the complete opposite direction to the fire truck. We walked right into another man walking his two dogs, barking growling dogs. I was in a bit of a haze, the dogs surrounded us before I knew what was going on, my dog was snarling and afraid. I just nodded and smiled at the owner who was talking. I was afraid of the dogs all of a sudden! Too much growling and loud scary stuff.

The guy moved on and I guided my dog away again, just trying to get away from the trigger. Then the ambulance came down the street! Lights. Siren. I couldn't breathe anymore but I just kept walking!

I stared at my boots and I just kept walking unable to catch my breath and begging the dog to keep moving. After a few meters I just dropped down again struggling not to completely lose it and start scream-crying.

I should have gone left at the next corner to loop back home the easy way but I just was not thinking. All that was going through my mind was "Get away. Keep moving. Get far away." We were walking in snowstorm. I ended up really far from my house with no real way to get home without having to go by the ambulance again. The snow was getting worse.

The dog wanted to go back the way we came so I was praying and praying they were gone. They weren't gone. I concentrated on my boots. Kept saying "Come On Keep Moving" to the dog. We got to the corner and he refused to move again.

I started begging out loud. "Please come. Pleeeease!!" I ended up having to coax him with treats and he would only go 5' at a time! I was losing it. I resorted to dragging him at one point, begging and pleading in desperation for him to just walk. My one neighbor gave me a stern look. I didn't care. I needed to get inside.

I started to shake after the door closed. I ended up crouched by the door hyperventilating, crying and shaking. I managed to get to the living room where I collapsed onto a blanket and screamed for a half hour.

I was so exhausted I couldn't lift myself off the floor. I lay there for another half hour before I forced myself to move.

I kept thinking, "I need you! Why did you kill yourself!? I needed you!"

He could help me break that. He was good at it. He would care for me while I recovered. Now there's no one. It ends up disabling me and I feel like a piece of sh*t.

Here I thought I was "better" and those triggers didn't bother me anymore. I just haven't run into them in a long while.

I'm okay now but just depressed. He helped me cope. I was so much better with him around. I needed him here. He had no clue how good he was for me and how much I truly needed him.

I miss him.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

(((Medic))):hug:
I am SOOO SORRY that happened to you! How AWFUL!!!!! You are able to describe things so well, that I can "see" and feel the immobilizing thoughts and feelings as the sirens and lights went by! HORRIBLE TRIGGER!!!

Please be good to yourself...tea...food...music...anything that can bring even just a small bit of relief? :hug:

 

[Heather]

@Medic72 :hug:'s lots and lots of hugs.

I know what you mean about thinking you are over stuff and then something happens and you are triggered all over again.

I saw the mother of the kid that molested my daughter not so long ago. I ran screaming out of the store and had a huge meltdown/panic attack/sobbing uncontrollably.

So, I feel for you. You think you have it together and then bam..situation arises that knocks you over.

But you recovered after awhile as did I....that's what's important to remember:):):)

 

[NarcSis]

@AngelkeeperJ/AKJ thank you, I had tea. I took it easy for the rest of the day until I felt more energy and then I tackled the household chores. I didn't get them all done, but I got something done and that is enough to take pride in today.

@Heather, thank you so much for the reminder, you're right, I recovered. It seems like forever when you're melting down but you're right, we always recover whether it's a few minutes or hours or days later, we always recover from our trigger episodes. I did it without him here. I did it on my own. I needed to hear that, thanks.