My husband died today

[Deleted member 12723]

I'm afraid. I think I'll go get the envelope and sit with it for a bit

At this point I do not know if you opened it or not. If it was me I would want to know because I would be searching for some answers as you are in the process of doing.

All of what you said is important. I think that you have a right to know some of the information that you are seeking. I cannot imagine what you have been through I can only go on what you say. But I think that seeking some sort of closure is very important.:hug:

 

[NarcSis]

@gizmo, I haven't opened it, I'm afraid I might not be able to sleep. I'm afraid of generating nightmares. This is a big step. I have to be careful how I take it.

It won't be tonight.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

Good call on not opening the report tonight. It will be hard to read, but not on a holiday? There's no doubt that the words will stay with you.

It's hard to decide if and when to open the "door" to possible new information. I can see why you might want someone with you...but the way you describe your sister, that might not work. She might trivialize your feelings, or try to keep you from shedding tears. (It's her discomfort with your tears that she has a hard time with?)

I wish there were words to really help you, but words ALWAYS fall short. You are doing the best you can in unbelievable circumstances. You are stronger than you realize, and I have DEEP RESPECT for you.

Every day is a challenge, and you meet each day, no matter how you feel. That is a HUGE success all by itself! You aren't paralyzed or hiding in bed. You are determined to LIVE whether you feel like it or not.

One day at a time is all you can walk. I am glad you have a dog....they are great and silent companions! Maybe you can take a walk tomorrow?

I will be thinking of you. You come to my mind frequently. I am not exaggerating when I say I respect and admire your strength to face the days!

I hope you have a more restful sleep tonight.

Blessings and Peace sent to you.:hug:

 

[NarcSis]

I'm back. I posed the question to an online survivor support group that I'm a part of and although many said the report was very detailed but didn't elicit any reactions, there were a few who openly said they are sorry they read it. Another woman full out said it made things worse for her and yet another said that in her face-to-face group, those who'd read it wished they hadn't.

I'm not going to read it. Maybe I'll be in a better place to read it years from now, maybe I'll never read it or maybe when I'm in a stronger place, I'll get a friend to read it and report back to me their opinion of whether they think I should go over it. The trouble with that last idea is what friend do I think I can trust enough with this type of detail about my husband and the circumstances of his death? It was my hubby that did things like this for me before!

One woman kinda p'd me off because, well, I'm in a bad spot right now, I'm feeling confused and upset and conflicted about this whole issue and she says that she'd never read it again, but she read it twice - so, I simply asked, did reading it make her feel better or worse. "I read it twice. I'll never read it again." doesn't exactly convey much in my opinion. So I get a snotty reply of "I'll never read it again should say it all." and then she acted like she was angry with me for even asking. My reaction? I wanted to scream and cry and I started in on the "why do people hate me" internal tirade and I suddenly wanted to die and I wanted her dead and I felt attacked and felt stupid and then I wanted to launch an all out attack on her online. I was angry instantly. I mean, just f'n say that it upset you and you wouldn't ever read it again, don't rely on inference ONLINE...beeyatch.

I still feel bad. I mean, if talking about it was going to upset you, then just don't participate in the discussion - close the little thingy window on your device or page or whatever - walk away, don't take it out on me just because I asked the question, don't make me feel bad, I feel bad enough as it is right now.

Uggh. And there's a party going on across the street. Our street used to be a nice quiet street until this one family moved in and they drink and party with guests who don't understand that the porch is technically a public space. There are usually loud arguments, cars driving away with tires screeching, drunks screaming or singing at the top of their lungs. I know it's New Years Eve but I heard some people arguing and my mind immediately pictured bullets flying. I went to carefully peek out the window, terrified. There were people spilling out of the house right onto the sidewalk. I am now extremely unnerved and don't feel safe. I want to call hubby and tell him to come home. I want him to make me feel safe again.

I've been sitting here crying for about 15 minutes now. I need my hubby. I need him to keep me safe. I don't feel safe in this house right now. I want those people gone. I want that party over. I'm scared. I don't want anything to happen. I don't want to hear shots fired. I don't want anyone to get killed across the street. I don't want anyone to break into my house. I don't want anyone to harass me. God, I feel like a scared little old lady. Most of this crap going through my mind is over-reaction. I've never heard shots fired there. They've never harassed me. They've never tried to break in. No one has ever threatened me - and yet, I still feel afraid. Ugggh!

Hubby, why would you leave me, you knew I was this weak, you knew it! God, I'm sorry if I was such a burden on you. I'm sorry I was such a pussy when it comes to being scared now. I needed you so much, Tin. I needed you!!!

Today is the 11th month since he died. 335 days. This day sucks. I'm not saying "Happy" New Year to anyone. I just can't even use that word today. My year doesn't end for another 30 days. God, I miss him so much. I just miss him so much right now.

 

[Lionheart]

I have no advice or words of wisdom to share, I just wanted you to know I am here and that I care about how you are doing!!!!

I hope you find the inner peace and serenity that you deserve to have!!!

God Bless,
Lionheart

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I'll get a friend to read it and report back to me their opinion of whether they think I should go over it. The tr

That is a good idea. I used to have my husband read some of my mail from dysfunctional relatives first before I read it if it passed my husbands opinion.:hug:

But from what you shared about your group maybe it is better to burn it with out reading it. Why put yourself through that, I can understand the fear of nightmares. When my mom was killed in a plane crash I used to have nightmares of her burning up.

 

[NarcSis]

@Lionheart777, thank you for being here.

@gizmo, I'm not sure if I actually knew about your mom, I'm sorry.

The whole question about time of death really bothers me and I was wondering if the report would bleat that up but apparently other survivors have said that it's not like CSI, they only estimate time of death based on the police report and witness reports. There likely won't be an answer there for me that clears anything up, it may just add more confusion.

I was also only told that "he had a wound in his side" or something to that effect and they determined from exam that they weren't going to work on him - "obviously dead" criteria but they didn't use the word or even the Code with me. The extent of damage he did to himself is something I wanted to know; how many organs survived the blast, how extensive was the damage and what ultimately caused death if it was possible to determine - blood loss or destruction of the heart.

I also wanted to know where exactly the wound was. It's odd but he had a "bullet hole" on the right side of his stomach; it was his laparoscopic surgery scar from his gallbladder surgery but we always called it his bullet hole as a joke. Did he shoot himself on that side? Through his bullet hole?

Uggh. So conflicted again. I'm not sure if it would just add to the questions and increase the horror of the picture I have in my mind.

I now have a majority of responses that say Do Not read it. So this is where I'm going to stay for now. I'm not going to read it. He was my husband, I loved him. I don't want to reduce him to a clinical report.

 

[Shortie]

Unfortunately, i tend to read some reports of death certs due to the cause of death and the odd report. Due to my job ect.

Now, the ones ive read tend to detail the cause of death primarly, seconds, thirdly ect. Then theres the report detail some are some arnt.

I was a voluntary first responder in the UK. Was for 6 years till my disability got me.

Now, when your low your low, it changed you as a person. I have PTSD and the medical field is terrible for help, you have to be ready to jump off a bridge for the help. My wife has a depressive disorder and at first i didnt know at all not once. Until she gradually changed as a person now i know the change and get help before this.

However i am opposite its instant. Its got to the point where when am bad i fell bad, i hide it very very well.

Where i currently work had no idea, my doc asked if they could give me the councilling as its a goverment organation and they have their councillors. Well, i asked months ago and ive gotten nothing for a referral my colleague has got one instantly.

I have tried to kill myself once, i feel terrible for saying this but yep infront of my wife.

What was i thinking! Well, nothing. I just wanted to die. I had been told something it sent me over the top. So, my wife stopped me.

I regret it so much, i fell absolurley disgused in myself for that and infront of my wife what the Hell was i thinking but honestly. I wasnt, i didnt think. I wanted out i couldnt escape. I love my wife i will do anything for her and die for her.

But i just wasnt me, it was a different person. Yep, depression not PTSD.

My wife begged me after to get help, to be told id have to be on a bridge ready to jump to get it. The doc thinks and is sure i have PTSD and also the depression side too.

I want you to know your husband wasnt himself. I have been their. I was also a responder, i know how to kill myself outright but even i choose a way that was strange.

Ive not scared this to anyone before, and am sobbing typing this. I wasnt me and if its any comfort your husband wasnt him too.

My wife had to snap me out of it. Literally she picked me up and carried me out the room.

She said to me, why. Why! I still cannot explain. Apart from this. I didnt know who i was fully like my brain malfunctioned. Like it was a breakdown. I lost all concept of reason, reality and rationalising.

I am too dyslexic and like my gaming. It withdraws me from reality but i now know not to go on it as much.

I miss the shouts i used to get i miss it all. I miss the brotherhood and sisterhood of the ambulance service and that but what hurt the most is i distanced myself from them after i left. I only speak to a few as unfortunately life goes on matter how hurt we feel.

I do feel ashamed still do. But that was the best option i had at the time. I wasnt thinking. While i am not speaking for all thats my view as i wanted and went through with it but my wife stopped me.

Would i do it again, no, i regret it because i didnt know there was other options and my poor wife. I am trying to get help now, on a long waiting list for my help.

There was nothing my wife could have done to stop me from attempting it nothing. Sounds so so bad but i wasnt thinking. It was like someone stopped my brain from working.

I have a dysfunctional mother and mother side of the family.

I dont know what to say apart from my experience of being on the other side of whats are going through.

I could explain aot more. If you have any questions let me know. X

Weird as it sounds. If i had to do it again would i well. At that time it was the right thing. Its a sad and horrible concept. I stuggle with it. Part of me with guilty for my wife and then the part of me that says i didnt know it was the wrong way at the time it felt so right.

I keep editing this post, its so difficult to explain. But i know its wrong but it felt so right but it was like i had lost all control of myself everything. I was in a trance..

 

[Shortie]

@Lionheart777, thank you for being here.

@gizmo, I'm not sure if...

Re above comment from me

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

I don't want to reduce him to a clinical report.

(((Medic72)))
This is the perfect reason for not reading the report at this point in time. It's so close to the one year mark, that it would probably stir up more than you need right now. It's not going anywhere, and you will always have the option of reading it. Once you read it, you won't be able to
"un-see" what is written in black and white.

Your husband was SO much more than the report, as well as being much more than what he did that morning. He loved you, and in the last words that he said, he asked if you needed anything. No, he didn't give you an opportunity to talk him out of what he was going to do, but he had already made the decision. Surely he had been going around and around in his head, unable to sleep, thinking more and more that you would be better off without him. The lies that depression throws at us...so loud...so insistent...to the point where it drowns out all sane and real truths. It's kind of a cancer of the heart and soul, eating away at who he was. I'm sure he longed to wake up better one day, and return to who he was, and had been for those 20 years.

I think it is good, that along with the sorrow, and anger you have written about, you have written about the good times that you and Tin had. Maybe some day, those days will stand out more and more. You won't ever forget those times, no matter what. To have been able to be married for 20 years is really huge! That's a really long time, especially now days. You loved him with a love that he could only have gotten from you. He leaned on you, just as you leaned on him. That's what marriage is. It sounds like you had a friendship as well. Going for hikes sounds SO wonderful, out in a bit of a wilderness that can't be found anywhere else. Hopefully, as the warmer air starts to come in, you will find respite in going out there with your dog.

You mentioned doing something special on the anniversary of that day. A rose at the place it happened, or even out in the area that you walked. Even releasing a balloon to release and let fly away? Maybe placing a rock near one of those places where it will remain unseen except for you. It might feel like a tribute to the love and marriage that you had? Lighting a candle that day, or listening to music might help. It is good to plan ahead of time, if you can.

I am just throwing out some ideas. I know nothing can take away the pain and loss, as well as the anger and fury at him for choosing what he did. Grief is inevitable, as are all the emotions you are going through. The known stages are not felt in any kind of order, and going back and forth is to be expected as well. They are completely unpredictable, and yes, very annoying. I am sorry that the person said they would go to lunch with you chickened out. They let fear stand in the way of helping you for a few hours.

Blessings to you, and prayers being said for you...

 

[NarcSis]

@Shortie, please don't ever do that in front of your wife, the number of PTSD afflicted spouses of suicide in this world is UNBELIEVABLE, all because in a fit of rage or for some other reason, a husband decided his wife needed to see that. I'd seen too many on the job, I do actually know the reality of suicide by shotgun, hanging, handgun, overdose and cut wrists. They were not pretty scenes. I think in all honesty, when I was on that scene that day, I wanted to see my husband's face. I wanted to see him, not his wounds, not the way he died, I just needed to see him. We were so tied to one another...

@AngelkeeperJ/AKJ Thank you for the ideas to mark the anniversary. Hubby and I used to eat in restaurants a lot, there was a place we'd go for tex-mex, a steakhouse that we'd go to on our anniversary every year and our local restaurant. Sometimes after a hike, we'd either stop into this italian place on the way home or we'd pick up chinese take out. He had a favorite restaurant, but it closed a few years ago. I was thinking about the balloon release too but I live in an air traffic zone, so this might not be a good idea. I really like the idea about placing a rock there. I might make one with his initials on it and place it there with a rose. I'm thinking more and more that I'm going to take his ashes to the park for a hike with the dog and maybe my sister.

I know my sister will be here for the anniversary. I want to have a plan so I'm not chewing her head off at every turn. It's going to be a rough time for me. I am going to be on a short fuse. I'd actually love to be able to just sit and talk to him and cry or simply stay in bed but that's not going to happen either. It's really hard for me to plan this with her because she's not him - it was always just me and him. Almost every adventure we had, it was just the two of us - when he almost fell of the cliff , when he slid down the steep hill snowshoeing, the time I lost my boot in the mud, the time we were losing light and afraid we'd have to spend the night in a rain storm, the time my wallet got stolen - all of it was just the two of us. I'm wondering too if I should rent a cabin for that day. There was a place we always used to go too that he and I loved - until he started bringing along his computer! The last time we went there we had a fight and got mad at each other. He forgot to open the damper on the fireplace and wouldn't listen to me when I said that I thought it was smoky in the room. He just wanted to go to bed and I couldn't settle because I was too anxious. There was finally enough smoke to set off the fire alarm in the cabin. When he finally opened the cabin door the smoke was pouring out. We had a screaming argument. I'm thinking I may go back there just not on the anniversary.

As for my former coworker who didn't show up for lunch? She still has made no effort to contact me - oh well, if she "steals" the money she was supposed to be delivering to me, then it's her lawsuit. I don't know what money this is she has, nor do I know why I'm getting it. I do hope she's not bullying the benevolent fund to keep giving me money. I have disability now, I don't need them to be forced to give me money.

I watched a movie the other day about a widowed woman who gives a couple she's just met a wedding and then agrees to pay for someone's tuition and then buys a person in need a car - she goes to a therapist and the therapist asks her if she's suddenly dumping money because she feels guilty about having her husband's money. That was so me for Christmas. I got my sister all kinds of things, of course, that was because when I made mention of something I'd wanted her to give me she said, "Oh I already bought all of your presents, plus stocking stuffers." Please note the plurals in that sentence. So I went all out on her, stocking stuffers, three presents she wanted, plus the big turkey dinner AND gave her most of the leftovers. In the end, she got what she wanted and I got the few gifts she could afford for me. I felt like it was kind of an intentional mislead there. But, yeah, I spent a lot on Christmas and was considering giving to some charities before I reeled myself in and realized what I was doing. This money has to last me the rest of my life. This money should not be mine, it should still be his. :(

I cried watching a movie today. It was a sad scene in a cartoon where an older man is dying and a little girl says, "Don't leave me." I just burst into tears. I wish I could have said that to him. How was I supposed to know he was intent on dying that morning!? NOT FAIR! He didn't play fair!

I want him home.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Don't leave me." I just burst into tears. I wish I could have said that to him. How was I supposed to know he was intent on dying that morning!? NOT FAIR! He didn't play fair!

I think that by releasing your healthy anger you are still grieving just in a different place and it has to happen to get the closure you seek.

I think you are going to be allright.