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I'm accepting that the dog doesn't want to sleep upstairs with me anymore - it means I'm doing a good job returning his confidence after his trauma. I sat with him, petting him by the front door last night and I told him that I was proud he was being a "big boy" now and that he looks after the...

I'm home. The dog still refuses to sleep in the room with me. There's no one to come home too. It's very quiet. The air smells old and stale in here. It's nice to be in my own space again but I've essentially just spent a month with my sister, so I've forgotten what our routine used to be...

I feel like crying. This is what happens when I get used to being around people; I'm dreading going home to our silent house tomorrow. I just realized today as I was driving my sister around how much I look for him. I'm looking at drivers of cars, men walking on the street, or passing in the...

My husband used to order prime rib every time we went out for steak. I remember one time he ordered a piece so big it filled his plate! I mean, the thing looked like they'd just gone out, slapped a cow then cut a hunk off to put on his dish. I sat watching in horrified amazement as hubby slowly...

So good news, sister changed her mind about going away to a hotel but then switched gears to a cake - so needless to say, I was scrambling last minute to see if anyone would accept a 24hr notice for a cake order. The local bakery in town got back to me and said they can have it done by 1pm...

@hodge, I'm planning to camp out in the living room and see if he joins me. That makes me sad because the week my husband died was his week off and we had planned to do a camp out in front of the fireplace that week. We were going to move the furniture to the sides and clear the floor to toss...

I'm dreading tomorrow, we're at my sister's house again for the week. She's working tomorrow so I plan to take the dog out exploring local parks. I'm going to try to stay busy but I just know once we're alone in going to cry. I need a good long hard cry even though feeling that deep pain scares...

Took the dog for a walk today and as I was coming up the drive the neighbor kids were playing ball in the street. The youngest one looked over excited and said "Awww cute, you guys got a dog?" I was caught off guard, he's just a kid but I froze and didn't know how to answer him. His older...

It was hard to sleep last night, alone in my room for the first time since I got the dog. I'm not sure if it's an independence thing because he's doing it again tonight and I'm feeling a little abandoned and worried that I've done something wrong. It could be a good sign that he wants to sleep...

Uggh, so heartbroken right now. My dog is doing what my hubby did his last night on earth, he wants to sleep downstairs. Usually he happily follows me up to the bedroom but tonight, I let him out to potty, he followed me up, then went right back down again. No amount of treat can coax him to...

Very emotional today. It just seemed everywhere I went that song I quoted in my last post was playing. I was walking through a store wiping my eyes and sniffling at one point. Held tight to his sleeve and rested my head on the chest of his shirt crying as I went to bed last night. Only slept...

Thanks @gizmo, sometimes I get so lonely I'd beg a stranger to come in and other times I'd rather be lonely because other people just don't get it. I brought my sister back with me, her foot is still not 100%, I'll take her back Saturday and spend the weekend - we're skipping Halloween this...

@gizmo, a fb friend recently celebrated a 40th wedding anniversary and my now married nephew and his bride keep posting pictures of their firsts as husband and wife. First breakfast as a married couple, first dinner out, first hotel room blah, blah, blah. And I keep thinking, first Halloween...

Husband was looking forward to the big season premiere of The Walking Dead this year. We'd made bets over who died. I had to watch it - traumatizing!!! They went way too far with the brutality, especially for those of us who've seen this in real life - that sht is NOT entertainment! In my head...

It's over. The dreaded wedding actually went well, I held it together, I smiled and was friendly. I partook in some libation. I danced - I haven't danced in years, discovered just how old I am tonight. The venue was outdoors, the temperature was around 4 degrees Celsius. Thank heaven I brought...

Thank you @gizmo because I just can't believe life will ever have joy in it again. My stomach is all in knots, this wedding is tomorrow and all day I've just been thinking of my wedding day, how the sun came out and hubby got a sunburn waiting for me because my driver brother said I was...

My sister had to have surgery on her toe, so here we are, at her place - we were supposed to be here this weekend for a wedding anyway but came early. I don't know why I do these types of things when I'm no longer the caring type I used to be, mostly I get annoyed, frustrated and angry...

Sh*t, accidentally hit post. Uggh, my husband. What did you have to endure? I pray you immediately dissociated but to do that you have to first experience the pain...how long until shock sets in? Not emotional but physiological. Did he pass out from the pain? Please God, let him have passed out...

Can't sleep, full moon. Wonder what that is, it never used to happen before PTSD? When I can't sleep I lie awake thinking; thinking things like how I want to beat my fists on his blanket/shirt because wtf was he thinking! Did he think it was going to be simple and easy to die because I'm sure...

Okay, not so much a walk as it was a trip to relieve himself on my neighbors lawn! (After I prided myself on having him only go in the backyard!) He's deathly afraid of the doorbell, even ones on tv, it makes him bark, and his bark startles me so much, so I'm trying to un-react by actively...

@gizmo, sending comfort to you today. I think I've reached the point where I can't give up on the dog, at this point I can't lose him too, it would be too much. The walks and outside stuff are the only issue, inside the house we get along fine, we play hide n seek, he chases me and we have a...

Busy yesterday. My sister and I went driving, just taking in the fall colors and trying to avoid the busy areas - and there were a LOT of busy areas. I was thinking of my husband so often because we used to do that, just go riding or walking through the fallen leaves. We took the dog with us...

The dog threw up in my sisters car today; my husband would've found it hilarious. I heard the song Rasputin on the radio today and I could hear my husband singing it and imagine him dancing in our living room. My sister and I were playing a game at the kitchen table and each time she tried...

He is absolutely everywhere and memories of him are embedded in everything I encounter. My sister & I toured Halloween stores today; I remembered him trying on masks just last fall. He hated Halloween because when he was a kid instead of the costume he wanted his mom got him something else...

Yes, but was I the best thing that happened to him until I wasn't? How much did the PTSD contribute to his downfall? It certainly could not have helped matters. I trigger so easily now. My sister got here last night, shows me her foot and I flipped out. I was on the verge of panic because...