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My husband died today
- Post starter NarcSis
- Start date
- Status
- Post starter
- #866
I feel like crying. This is what happens when I get used to being around people; I'm dreading going home to our silent house tomorrow.
I just realized today as I was driving my sister around how much I look for him. I'm looking at drivers of cars, men walking on the street, or passing in the mall. I guess I'm still holding out hope that this was all some big covert operation or something. I don't know what I'd do if I saw his doppelgänger; I'd probably lose it and run hysterically crying toward a stranger.
I went to use the bathroom in my sisters basement today and while I was there, I found myself hoping I would see him - he used to use that bathroom all the time. :(
We went to lunch with my nieces and brother today. My one niece made a comment about how she and I seem to be chicken finger lovers because we both ordered them today AND the last time we got together. I laughed because it was one of the first things my husband had noticed about me when we were dating, so he started taking me to restaurants that didn't have chicken fingers on the menu. He was always trying to get me to expand my experiences. He was so good for me that way.
He told me once that I had a certain elegance to me and I deserved to expand my palate to suit my demeanor - then he took me to a French restaurant where I felt horribly under-dressed and couldn't read the menu!
I need to talk to him. I need to. I wish I could text him. There should be a service where we can text "heaven" just to get things off our chests. I still needed him in my life. I needed him to keep me happy.
My sister is showing signs of stress; forgetful, irritable, can't concentrate, impatient, easily startled, over-reactive, socially anxious. She's reminding me of him, especially when I say something and she doesn't hear me because her nose is obsessively entrenched in fb. In those seconds I feel completely alone in the world. I remember what it was like with him, the times when I'd just talk to myself instead because he wasn't listening. It was like I didn't exist at all in his world.
Our communication was failing. He was shutting me out and I was trying to shield him from the fact that his increasing moodiness was affecting me. I walked on eggshells this time. I got irritated and frustrated in return and I'd go out of sight so I could silent scream. I wanted to die a lot.
I guess he did too. He never once admitted his stress was a problem. His sleep seemed okay except for that last month. He was in pain. I thought if I got "preachy" about how irritable and not himself he was that he'd bite my head off so I just swallowed it all down and was waiting for the storm to let up - it had in the past. It didn't pass this time. This time it took his life.
A person can only handle so much...
...so why am I still here!!???
I've done my share of handling things. I'm done. I'm tired. I just want him back to balance me again.
I'm sorry if I was a burden he felt he had to carry. I tried. I tried to make it okay.
I just realized today as I was driving my sister around how much I look for him. I'm looking at drivers of cars, men walking on the street, or passing in the mall. I guess I'm still holding out hope that this was all some big covert operation or something. I don't know what I'd do if I saw his doppelgänger; I'd probably lose it and run hysterically crying toward a stranger.
I went to use the bathroom in my sisters basement today and while I was there, I found myself hoping I would see him - he used to use that bathroom all the time. :(
We went to lunch with my nieces and brother today. My one niece made a comment about how she and I seem to be chicken finger lovers because we both ordered them today AND the last time we got together. I laughed because it was one of the first things my husband had noticed about me when we were dating, so he started taking me to restaurants that didn't have chicken fingers on the menu. He was always trying to get me to expand my experiences. He was so good for me that way.
He told me once that I had a certain elegance to me and I deserved to expand my palate to suit my demeanor - then he took me to a French restaurant where I felt horribly under-dressed and couldn't read the menu!
I need to talk to him. I need to. I wish I could text him. There should be a service where we can text "heaven" just to get things off our chests. I still needed him in my life. I needed him to keep me happy.
My sister is showing signs of stress; forgetful, irritable, can't concentrate, impatient, easily startled, over-reactive, socially anxious. She's reminding me of him, especially when I say something and she doesn't hear me because her nose is obsessively entrenched in fb. In those seconds I feel completely alone in the world. I remember what it was like with him, the times when I'd just talk to myself instead because he wasn't listening. It was like I didn't exist at all in his world.
Our communication was failing. He was shutting me out and I was trying to shield him from the fact that his increasing moodiness was affecting me. I walked on eggshells this time. I got irritated and frustrated in return and I'd go out of sight so I could silent scream. I wanted to die a lot.
I guess he did too. He never once admitted his stress was a problem. His sleep seemed okay except for that last month. He was in pain. I thought if I got "preachy" about how irritable and not himself he was that he'd bite my head off so I just swallowed it all down and was waiting for the storm to let up - it had in the past. It didn't pass this time. This time it took his life.
A person can only handle so much...
...so why am I still here!!???
I've done my share of handling things. I'm done. I'm tired. I just want him back to balance me again.
I'm sorry if I was a burden he felt he had to carry. I tried. I tried to make it okay.
D
Deleted member 12723
I can hear the weariness in your words. I was helped by a friend tonight and will be thinking that my husband is besides me sharing his comfort and common sense with me. It is a skill I really want to use and become skilled at.
My husband was my rock. With the holidays approaching it makes me miss him all of the more.
I am sending you hugs to let you know that you are not alone.:hug::hug::hug::hug:
My husband was my rock. With the holidays approaching it makes me miss him all of the more.
I am sending you hugs to let you know that you are not alone.:hug::hug::hug::hug:
- Post starter
- #868
I'm home. The dog still refuses to sleep in the room with me. There's no one to come home too. It's very quiet. The air smells old and stale in here.
It's nice to be in my own space again but I've essentially just spent a month with my sister, so I've forgotten what our routine used to be here.
I'm tired. It was a long day. I wished I would come to bed and he'd come through the door saying how he missed me and he's sorry he had to pretend to have died.
...but that's never going to happen. I wonder if I'll ever accept that.
It's nice to be in my own space again but I've essentially just spent a month with my sister, so I've forgotten what our routine used to be here.
I'm tired. It was a long day. I wished I would come to bed and he'd come through the door saying how he missed me and he's sorry he had to pretend to have died.
...but that's never going to happen. I wonder if I'll ever accept that.
I am so sorry to hear this and of ur loss. Please keep talking. I would seek out a grief counselor for emergencies immediately or better yet have ur therapist help u find one or find one for u immediately. Maybe even speaking with ur own counselor will work well. Make sure to take complete care of urself as best as u can and let the rest function as it may outside of ur needs. Take care of YOU in all ways possible via as much support as u can.
D
Deleted member 12723
The passing of time will do its healing work, but you may never be able to accept this loss because of its complicated endings for you.
But you can always hope that you will be able to rebuild a life for yourself that is fulfulling in the future after you have completed your grieving perhaps?
The first year is the most intense and the hardest and yours is complicated by so much that is unresolvable in my opinion so it may be much longer for you.
I think that you are doing your very best to get through each painful and lonely day.:hug::hug::hug:
- Post starter
- #871
I'm accepting that the dog doesn't want to sleep upstairs with me anymore - it means I'm doing a good job returning his confidence after his trauma. I sat with him, petting him by the front door last night and I told him that I was proud he was being a "big boy" now and that he looks after the house while I sleep and that's okay. He put his nose on my hand and nudged it onto his bed, then laid his head on it, getting comfortable. I almost cried. I sat there like that until he fell asleep.
I took him on a long hike today. We went to the park hubby and I used to spend our time in. We hiked an hour out to the lookout spot where we used to go. He used to take out his little backpack stove, boil us some water and make tea; we'd sit there, exhausted and sipping our tea atop the lookout platform looking out over the fields.
I took pictures of the dog on that same platform today. It was beautiful, sunny and unusually warm for this time of year. I sat sipping my water, with the dog staring out over the landscape and it was like he was there with us. I even looked at the bench across from me and smiled. I wanted to stay there and just "hold" him.
This evening the dog and I were lying on the livingroom floor when he suddenly started wagging his tail excitedly. I turned to look at him and he was staring toward the stairs. I looked over and saw nothing but he lowered his head, wagging his tail as though someone was petting him. I was almost in tears again. He looked back at the stairs and I said, "Is that "daddy"? Huh? Did daddy come to say hi?" Then I looked toward the stairs and said, "Tin, I miss you. I wish I could see you and hug you again."
I pray everyday that he's here with me. I wish for him most when I'm lying on the livingroom floor like we were that last evening together. I wish that night never ended.
Missing him a lot today.
I took him on a long hike today. We went to the park hubby and I used to spend our time in. We hiked an hour out to the lookout spot where we used to go. He used to take out his little backpack stove, boil us some water and make tea; we'd sit there, exhausted and sipping our tea atop the lookout platform looking out over the fields.
I took pictures of the dog on that same platform today. It was beautiful, sunny and unusually warm for this time of year. I sat sipping my water, with the dog staring out over the landscape and it was like he was there with us. I even looked at the bench across from me and smiled. I wanted to stay there and just "hold" him.
This evening the dog and I were lying on the livingroom floor when he suddenly started wagging his tail excitedly. I turned to look at him and he was staring toward the stairs. I looked over and saw nothing but he lowered his head, wagging his tail as though someone was petting him. I was almost in tears again. He looked back at the stairs and I said, "Is that "daddy"? Huh? Did daddy come to say hi?" Then I looked toward the stairs and said, "Tin, I miss you. I wish I could see you and hug you again."
I pray everyday that he's here with me. I wish for him most when I'm lying on the livingroom floor like we were that last evening together. I wish that night never ended.
Missing him a lot today.
D
Deleted member 12723
I think that by going on the hike with your dog was a brilliant idea and good for you.
I am sorry you missed your husband so much today. I really think you are discovering the real you right now especially in all the things you have been doing.
I find myself in a strange place right now, finding out who is the real me, independent of everyone in my life. I was always with someone before and never discovered my true self so I have so much to learn.
I am greatly encouraged at all of the steps you are taking in spite of the pain of missing your husband and I am very proud of you.:hug:
I am sorry you missed your husband so much today. I really think you are discovering the real you right now especially in all the things you have been doing.
I find myself in a strange place right now, finding out who is the real me, independent of everyone in my life. I was always with someone before and never discovered my true self so I have so much to learn.
I am greatly encouraged at all of the steps you are taking in spite of the pain of missing your husband and I am very proud of you.:hug:
- Post starter
- #873
I tried to post this last night but my internet was being screwy.
I was angry and I was writing to him earlier as though I were talking to him. I was talking about how he always said my mom "hated him" and I used to deny that because I had my mom come to me once and ask why he was so "strange, staying in the room all the time when he's here and not joining the family. Do we make him uncomfortable? Is he scared of us?" I used to make up excuses for him, tired, sore, sick, mosquitoes etc. But we'd come home and I'd always have to hear how my family hated him and my mom hated him etc, etc. My mom asked is he was scared of her. She asked me how to make him more comfortable. My mom wanted to know him better but he never tried. I don't know. Anyway, I was writing this and angry and directing my anger at him when suddenly the hallway light flickered - and not just flickered, you know how they flicker in movies, with that zapping sort of electrical buzz? Yeah, that's how it flickered. I immediately thought, "I just made him mad."
Well, I guess even after he's dead, he still gets to be tormented by me.
I can be angry. He left me without a word. No notes. No I love you's. No goodbye. He just up and drove off to shoot himself out of the blue and I will never understand. Of course I'm angry. Of course I'm looking for evidence of his having always been "odd". I have to find some way to explain to myself; to make sense of the fact that my loving, adoring, successful, put together and intelligent husband would just up and shoot himself with a f'ing shotgun!
Like what in hell was wrong with him!? What was so bad in his life that he had to die?
A potential heart problem!? There was nothing confirmed. It was the word of some stupid physiotherapist. Some idiot who isn't even a doctor, no matter how smart he thought he was. I kept saying, "there is nothing wrong with your heart! Please, just stop this!!" And I was pleading with him to just drop the ridiculous obsession with the fact that he was going to die or he'd already had a heart attack - HE WAS FINE!!!! HE'D JUST DONE ALL OF THE CARDIAC TESTS!! What more could I have said!?
How could he have been so upset that the only solution was to die? Like, really? Death. He died on a potential. A potential problem. It wasn't even a real issue, there was no investigation, no doctor's exam, nope, he didn't wait for any of that, he just up and killed himself.
Uggh. I just want to say, of all the hair-brained ideas in the world....kill yourself? Like don't get checked and disprove the theory. Don't try to reassure yourself that you'd be okay. Nope just shut yourself off to reason and keep holding on stubbornly to the potential.
That was so not like him. But then again, he hadn't been himself in quite a while already anyway. When I honestly think about it, it'd been about two or three years that he'd been "going downhill" with his coping ability. I was reading through old diaries, things he'd said to me, his anger, his moodiness, his being so curt and rude to people. Overall, he was "okay", functioning and I just amplified his "bad days" but then his bad days started to get more frequent and I was having more difficulty sleeping so I'd move to the spare room because he was so restless. He said he hated it but he would have hated it worse if I'd just stayed awake all night - I would have been the tyrant he lived with, instead of the PTSD bitch he lived with.
It was the partner changes at work. He went from one good partner (who kinda screwed him over) to a really bad partner who he eventually lost it on and refused to work with, to a good partner again (lasted a year or two before he started getting stressed and upset with him too), then the last guy who also seemed to be suffering from stress and was maybe a little soft for the job.
I remember fielding the complaints one night about his newest partner after he'd gotten home from work. "He doesn't know what he's doing. He doesn't listen to me when I'm talking. He panics. I went to pick up a bag and he grabbed the other side of it at the same time and when I told him to let go, he just stared at me. I had to pull it out of his hands!" I tried to calm him by asking him if he thought maybe his partner was suffering from post traumatic stress and it was affecting his ability to handle the calls. He scoffed at me! Just ignored it and went on about how it was all about people DOING this TO him on purpose. "I just wish I could get one good partner." You know, every time I heard that, I wanted to say I'd heard it before. Because I had, with his last partner, and his interim partner and near the end of his "good" partner.
I always kept my mouth shut because I didn't want to throw it in his face that he was exhibiting a pattern of behavior. After about 7 months or so, he would begin to tire of his "new" person. He would get nit-picky and examine every little aspect of the things they did on the road that bugged him - things that were not what he'd do. He'd always throw the "not listening" accusation and he'd go so far as to say that he thought they had a hearing problem or if he was feeling self deprecating, he'd say, "Maybe I'm the one who should get their hearing checked. Can you hear me?"
I also didn't want to say to him that when he was moody he had this tendency to mumble and quite frankly, he started getting in the habit of turning away from you when he'd say something, so no, I couldn't hear him properly. Lord help you if you didn't hear him, after all, he could hear himself fine, so there was no way you didn't hear him. I just kept my mouth shut. I didn't want to seem like I was throwing anything in his face. He was getting moodier and moodier with people. He was getting upset with things they'd say. He was thinking they were talking about him behind his back.
He was employing a lot of thinking errors.
Usually this happened during his burnout phases. This is what they looked like. He'd get moody, he'd be upset and then something would have to change - new partner, new schedule, new whatever. Well, things were constantly changing now and he hated it. There was no plateau. Change is stressful and when you're already stressed, it doesn't help to keep changing things. Besides, the changes weren't of his making. His partner left, he had no control over that and so he had no control over his work life now. He came home and he tried to control his home life by shutting down. Moody. No more hugs unless I gave them. No more kisses unless I gave them. No more hikes unless I made him go. No more effort to do anything on his part. I was getting worn down trying to keep him "alive" inside.
I knew he was letting go. I'd done it before. I saw him giving up on living. I saw it happening and there was shit I could do to stop it. I tried. He gave up trying to live a long time ago. But so had I and I made it back. I didn't have to die. I fought back.
He didn't fight back. He just let it take him.
I was just waiting for the "storm" to pass. I was just waiting for our break, so we could catch our breath and start again. I was waiting for him to see that he was in trouble and needed to take charge and start to change things for the better again. He'd done it before. He'd always done it before. He hit that rock bottom area that showed him he wasn't living and he would come back and we'd be okay. He didn't see it this time. He never got better.
I hate to say that when I realized he was dead some part deep inside me breathed a sigh of relief because he'd been putting himself through so much. He'd been under so much stress and now, nothing. Partly too it was because he wouldn't be making me feel so bad anymore. It was hurting me inside too. I was starting to resent him - my husband! How could I resent the person I vowed to love always!?
I remember one day, he was so moody and grouchy and snapping at me for every little thing that I just went into the washroom and I silently screamed, "Why can't you just go back to work!? Don't come here and make me feel like I'm some person you work with! I can't wait until you're gone again!" I think that was three weeks before he died.
I was trying to be nothing but nice to him. I was trying to ease the burden he was carrying but every day I was feeling more and more like the burden he was carrying. I wanted to die. I wanted to die and leave his life to himself so that he could finally have the peace he deserved. He deserved peace in his life, he did but it just seemed like he didn't want it. If you put something nice in front of him, he tore it apart. He stopped hugging me back. If he did hug me it was more like a "there-there" instead of an "I love you".
That wasn't always him though because even in that storm, there were a lot of calm periods where we were just ourselves again. We'd go to lunch, talk, laugh, spend time together and not me seated with him on his mobile device. We hiked. We talked. He got a lot off his chest. He could let it go. He would hug and kiss and laugh and dance and giggle. He would dry hump my leg and be silly. He would spank me as he passed. This was us. Playful. In love. That was always us.
That angry, mean person, that wasn't him. That person who pulled the trigger, that wasn't him. I refuse to believe that was him. He loved me. He wouldn't have done that to me. Not him. I wish so much that he could be here. I need him so much.
I was angry and I was writing to him earlier as though I were talking to him. I was talking about how he always said my mom "hated him" and I used to deny that because I had my mom come to me once and ask why he was so "strange, staying in the room all the time when he's here and not joining the family. Do we make him uncomfortable? Is he scared of us?" I used to make up excuses for him, tired, sore, sick, mosquitoes etc. But we'd come home and I'd always have to hear how my family hated him and my mom hated him etc, etc. My mom asked is he was scared of her. She asked me how to make him more comfortable. My mom wanted to know him better but he never tried. I don't know. Anyway, I was writing this and angry and directing my anger at him when suddenly the hallway light flickered - and not just flickered, you know how they flicker in movies, with that zapping sort of electrical buzz? Yeah, that's how it flickered. I immediately thought, "I just made him mad."
Well, I guess even after he's dead, he still gets to be tormented by me.
I can be angry. He left me without a word. No notes. No I love you's. No goodbye. He just up and drove off to shoot himself out of the blue and I will never understand. Of course I'm angry. Of course I'm looking for evidence of his having always been "odd". I have to find some way to explain to myself; to make sense of the fact that my loving, adoring, successful, put together and intelligent husband would just up and shoot himself with a f'ing shotgun!
Like what in hell was wrong with him!? What was so bad in his life that he had to die?
A potential heart problem!? There was nothing confirmed. It was the word of some stupid physiotherapist. Some idiot who isn't even a doctor, no matter how smart he thought he was. I kept saying, "there is nothing wrong with your heart! Please, just stop this!!" And I was pleading with him to just drop the ridiculous obsession with the fact that he was going to die or he'd already had a heart attack - HE WAS FINE!!!! HE'D JUST DONE ALL OF THE CARDIAC TESTS!! What more could I have said!?
How could he have been so upset that the only solution was to die? Like, really? Death. He died on a potential. A potential problem. It wasn't even a real issue, there was no investigation, no doctor's exam, nope, he didn't wait for any of that, he just up and killed himself.
Uggh. I just want to say, of all the hair-brained ideas in the world....kill yourself? Like don't get checked and disprove the theory. Don't try to reassure yourself that you'd be okay. Nope just shut yourself off to reason and keep holding on stubbornly to the potential.
That was so not like him. But then again, he hadn't been himself in quite a while already anyway. When I honestly think about it, it'd been about two or three years that he'd been "going downhill" with his coping ability. I was reading through old diaries, things he'd said to me, his anger, his moodiness, his being so curt and rude to people. Overall, he was "okay", functioning and I just amplified his "bad days" but then his bad days started to get more frequent and I was having more difficulty sleeping so I'd move to the spare room because he was so restless. He said he hated it but he would have hated it worse if I'd just stayed awake all night - I would have been the tyrant he lived with, instead of the PTSD bitch he lived with.
It was the partner changes at work. He went from one good partner (who kinda screwed him over) to a really bad partner who he eventually lost it on and refused to work with, to a good partner again (lasted a year or two before he started getting stressed and upset with him too), then the last guy who also seemed to be suffering from stress and was maybe a little soft for the job.
I remember fielding the complaints one night about his newest partner after he'd gotten home from work. "He doesn't know what he's doing. He doesn't listen to me when I'm talking. He panics. I went to pick up a bag and he grabbed the other side of it at the same time and when I told him to let go, he just stared at me. I had to pull it out of his hands!" I tried to calm him by asking him if he thought maybe his partner was suffering from post traumatic stress and it was affecting his ability to handle the calls. He scoffed at me! Just ignored it and went on about how it was all about people DOING this TO him on purpose. "I just wish I could get one good partner." You know, every time I heard that, I wanted to say I'd heard it before. Because I had, with his last partner, and his interim partner and near the end of his "good" partner.
I always kept my mouth shut because I didn't want to throw it in his face that he was exhibiting a pattern of behavior. After about 7 months or so, he would begin to tire of his "new" person. He would get nit-picky and examine every little aspect of the things they did on the road that bugged him - things that were not what he'd do. He'd always throw the "not listening" accusation and he'd go so far as to say that he thought they had a hearing problem or if he was feeling self deprecating, he'd say, "Maybe I'm the one who should get their hearing checked. Can you hear me?"
I also didn't want to say to him that when he was moody he had this tendency to mumble and quite frankly, he started getting in the habit of turning away from you when he'd say something, so no, I couldn't hear him properly. Lord help you if you didn't hear him, after all, he could hear himself fine, so there was no way you didn't hear him. I just kept my mouth shut. I didn't want to seem like I was throwing anything in his face. He was getting moodier and moodier with people. He was getting upset with things they'd say. He was thinking they were talking about him behind his back.
He was employing a lot of thinking errors.
Usually this happened during his burnout phases. This is what they looked like. He'd get moody, he'd be upset and then something would have to change - new partner, new schedule, new whatever. Well, things were constantly changing now and he hated it. There was no plateau. Change is stressful and when you're already stressed, it doesn't help to keep changing things. Besides, the changes weren't of his making. His partner left, he had no control over that and so he had no control over his work life now. He came home and he tried to control his home life by shutting down. Moody. No more hugs unless I gave them. No more kisses unless I gave them. No more hikes unless I made him go. No more effort to do anything on his part. I was getting worn down trying to keep him "alive" inside.
I knew he was letting go. I'd done it before. I saw him giving up on living. I saw it happening and there was shit I could do to stop it. I tried. He gave up trying to live a long time ago. But so had I and I made it back. I didn't have to die. I fought back.
He didn't fight back. He just let it take him.
I was just waiting for the "storm" to pass. I was just waiting for our break, so we could catch our breath and start again. I was waiting for him to see that he was in trouble and needed to take charge and start to change things for the better again. He'd done it before. He'd always done it before. He hit that rock bottom area that showed him he wasn't living and he would come back and we'd be okay. He didn't see it this time. He never got better.
I hate to say that when I realized he was dead some part deep inside me breathed a sigh of relief because he'd been putting himself through so much. He'd been under so much stress and now, nothing. Partly too it was because he wouldn't be making me feel so bad anymore. It was hurting me inside too. I was starting to resent him - my husband! How could I resent the person I vowed to love always!?
I remember one day, he was so moody and grouchy and snapping at me for every little thing that I just went into the washroom and I silently screamed, "Why can't you just go back to work!? Don't come here and make me feel like I'm some person you work with! I can't wait until you're gone again!" I think that was three weeks before he died.
I was trying to be nothing but nice to him. I was trying to ease the burden he was carrying but every day I was feeling more and more like the burden he was carrying. I wanted to die. I wanted to die and leave his life to himself so that he could finally have the peace he deserved. He deserved peace in his life, he did but it just seemed like he didn't want it. If you put something nice in front of him, he tore it apart. He stopped hugging me back. If he did hug me it was more like a "there-there" instead of an "I love you".
That wasn't always him though because even in that storm, there were a lot of calm periods where we were just ourselves again. We'd go to lunch, talk, laugh, spend time together and not me seated with him on his mobile device. We hiked. We talked. He got a lot off his chest. He could let it go. He would hug and kiss and laugh and dance and giggle. He would dry hump my leg and be silly. He would spank me as he passed. This was us. Playful. In love. That was always us.
That angry, mean person, that wasn't him. That person who pulled the trigger, that wasn't him. I refuse to believe that was him. He loved me. He wouldn't have done that to me. Not him. I wish so much that he could be here. I need him so much.
overwhelmedbyptsd
New Here
I am sorry for your loss.
D
Deleted member 12723
:hug:
- Post starter
- #876
I'm physically and mentally exhausted. The dog is being whiny and I think he just wants me to pet him. I've been petting him, letting him out and we did an hours walk this morning; I fed him, watered him and still he's whiny. I just don't get him.
I've been thinking about that flickering light all night. So when we die, is it true? Do we become pure energy? Is he still here with me?
I see why some people get obsessed with contacting mediums and doing "readings". I mean, I had the sensation in my tummy, the one that just knows things and it said that he was upset. I felt it. He was mad because I was "talking" unfairly about him and he couldn't defend himself.
I've been crying off and on today. I just miss him so much. I just wish there was a way I could communicate with him. Of course, I can't understand what the dog wants and he's alive, so...
Once again, I'm having to deal with posts on fb from kids who just want to talk about dating issues - one is only 6 months after her husband shot himself!!! That just so angers me. I don't think they actually had love. I can't see it right now. I can't see me dating ever. I loved my husband with every ounce of me. I promised him forever and I intend to keep that promise.
I miss him so very much today. I'm not lonely, I just miss him. I asked the house today, "If you're here can you leave? Like if I leave, do you come with me or are you stuck in the house? What happens if one day I want to get the house we dreamed of in the country? Can you come with me? I don't want to leave you here."
I wish he could tell me. I wish I could just hear his voice again. I wish I could feel his hugs again. I need a good hug.
I've been thinking about that flickering light all night. So when we die, is it true? Do we become pure energy? Is he still here with me?
I see why some people get obsessed with contacting mediums and doing "readings". I mean, I had the sensation in my tummy, the one that just knows things and it said that he was upset. I felt it. He was mad because I was "talking" unfairly about him and he couldn't defend himself.
I've been crying off and on today. I just miss him so much. I just wish there was a way I could communicate with him. Of course, I can't understand what the dog wants and he's alive, so...
Once again, I'm having to deal with posts on fb from kids who just want to talk about dating issues - one is only 6 months after her husband shot himself!!! That just so angers me. I don't think they actually had love. I can't see it right now. I can't see me dating ever. I loved my husband with every ounce of me. I promised him forever and I intend to keep that promise.
I miss him so very much today. I'm not lonely, I just miss him. I asked the house today, "If you're here can you leave? Like if I leave, do you come with me or are you stuck in the house? What happens if one day I want to get the house we dreamed of in the country? Can you come with me? I don't want to leave you here."
I wish he could tell me. I wish I could just hear his voice again. I wish I could feel his hugs again. I need a good hug.
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