My husband died today

[NarcSis]

Can't sleep, full moon. Wonder what that is, it never used to happen before PTSD?

When I can't sleep I lie awake thinking; thinking things like how I want to beat my fists on his blanket/shirt because wtf was he thinking! Did he think it was going to be simple and easy to die because I'm sure he discovered it wasn't as romantic as its made out to be.

I hear it in my head over and over, "he must've bled out", "there was a lot of blood." Oh and another one that really sticks out, there's no way the car would've been able to have been resold because "probably wouldn't have been able to get the smell out."

Uggh! My family!!!! Just f'in censor shit next time! I didn't need those words in my head forever.

My husband.

 

[NarcSis]

Sh*t, accidentally hit post.

Uggh, my husband. What did you have to endure? I pray you immediately dissociated but to do that you have to first experience the pain...how long until shock sets in? Not emotional but physiological. Did he pass out from the pain? Please God, let him have passed out and not known he was dying.

Wtf were you thinking husband!?

The smell. Dried blood? Yeah it smells but it's "cleanable". Blood and bowel content would have been way worse. Not likely cleanable.

On your "bullet wound" side. Your gall bladder surgery scar looked like a bullet wound, you called it that all the time...how cosmically cruel that you would die from a gsw on that same side.

I want to hit you! I want to beat you with my fists and scream, "How could you do this to me!?"

You died. You had no chance. Recovery and regret weren't even options!! You didn't give yourself a chance! Didn't I deserve that chance!? Didn't our marriage deserve that chance!? Didn't our love deserve a chance!?

Why in hell did you leave me!?

I hate being lonely and I hate the only options I have to not be alone. I hate fighting through this alone! It's not fair!! Why has life never been fair to me!?

Why can't I just sleep, I just want to sleep!

If you were here, I'd hold your hand, or cuddle against your chest and hear your heart beating, or snuggle into your shoulder or turn my back to you our bodies still touching. I miss that. I still needed that. I'm always going to need that.

Go away moon, I just want to sleep. Pretend he's alive again. Pretend life is how it's supposed to be. He wasn't supposed to be dead yet. He was supposed to be making more memories not just being one himself!

Why did you smell? What happened to you? What happened to the man I loved?

I loved you. It didn't seem like it, but I still did. What happened to you so quickly that you would suddenly kill yourself??? Why couldn't you chicken out? Why couldn't you just come sulking home to me? Shame doesn't last forever, you move past it. You get the help you need and you move through it.

Why did you have to die?

I need you home with me.

 

[Tinyflame]

@Medic72 - I'm listening. :cry: :hug:

But, for the dog, just a suggestion.. Cesar Milan says if you control their head you control the walk. A choke chain collar is not cruel, it releases instanstly with a light jerk & a sound to capture attention, like, 'chkk' . The sniffing is like Facebook for dogs. If he is not neutered it could be cyclical too. Stay relaxed, try to keep your feet ahead of him. And make him 'do something' for treats, otherwise not doing so plus the last one leads to charging others on walks = they think they are protecting the 'feed bag'. Mostly they will sense how you feel through the leash.

Barking- doorbell etc- stay calm- they perceive raised voice as if they should bark more :tup: - 'see, mom is shouting too!" :rolleyes: Come up to him and stick lightly fingers of both hands in sides & make sharp "cchhh" sound. It's more distraction, really.

I'm sorry Tin couldn't stay 'here'. :( :hug: :hug: Xox.

 

[NarcSis]

My sister had to have surgery on her toe, so here we are, at her place - we were supposed to be here this weekend for a wedding anyway but came early. I don't know why I do these types of things when I'm no longer the caring type I used to be, mostly I get annoyed, frustrated and angry. Providing care is a triggering thing for me now, I bite and snap.

I keep looking at my phone. He used to text me when I was away, now my phone is just painfully silent.

We parked beside a car like his tonight, I got sad.

My sister asked if our brother ever sold the spare tires from his car - not anything I wanted to think of as I was driving through a rainstorm on the highway. Felt like bursting into tears.

Got blamed for the wear and tear on her car; told her I never ask her to come to my place, she decides that on her own, then said, she doesn't have to come anymore if she doesn't want too. I was told that she only comes because I sound so lonely on fb - well, yeah, I am but for my husband and she's not him; it doesn't make the lonely go away, it just masks it for a bit. Besides, we usually end up with her crying and me angry.

I'm angry a lot now. I make people cry. I can't just be happy for happy's sake anymore. I don't know if there's joy in this heart anymore.

I go to a wedding on Saturday. I'm not really into it. In all honesty, I can't wait for it to be over; happy people in love, I just can't stand bearing witness to that right now.

It can all be gone in a second. That's the thought that runs through my mind when I see people in love, people happy. It all just sums up to nothing. A life lived; a life forgotten.

He was my life. I have no life now. I go back to an empty house, my couch and my tv - my two new best friends. Oh and dog; dog is enough to take the edge off of lonely.

I've really got no one but dog and even he aggravates me most times.

I'm an angry person now.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I go to a wedding on Saturday. I'm not really into it. In all honesty, I can't wait for it to be over; happy people in love, I just can't stand bearing witness to that right now.

I still have a very hard time watching couples together.

I'm an angry person now.

You have every right to be angry and as for joy that will come back way later on, and I will believe for you if you are not able.:hug:

 

[NarcSis]

Thank you @gizmo because I just can't believe life will ever have joy in it again.

My stomach is all in knots, this wedding is tomorrow and all day I've just been thinking of my wedding day, how the sun came out and hubby got a sunburn waiting for me because my driver brother said I was supposed to be "fashionably late" as he drove me everywhere BUT my wedding venue! I was worried beyond worried, because I'm a schedule keeper and I had guests that had to leave by a certain time.

I remember us, at the end of the night, curling up together and saying how glad we were that it was all over. Such a big production and we weren't public people. I would have preferred an intimate gathering of maybe 20 people but no, family spoke up and it had to be a big to-do. 170 guests, outdoor venue, buffet style reception and party until 2am. Exhausting!

I "married" my husband the day we got an apartment together, I didn't see any point to a formal wedding. It took us 8 years to finally get married...we only lasted 11,1/2 years before he died.

He died. My husband. And he didn't just die, he killed himself. It's such an impossible thing to believe.

I hear about people celebrating their 20th and 50th wedding anniversaries and I get angry - I'll never get to celebrate that. It makes me feel like we somehow failed as a married couple - why else would one partner "want" to die?

I want tomorrow to be over. I want it to be Monday and I want me and doggy to be back home relaxing, with everything back in its place. I want to be where I feel comforted again.

I really miss him tonight.

 

[NarcSis]

It's over. The dreaded wedding actually went well, I held it together, I smiled and was friendly. I partook in some libation. I danced - I haven't danced in years, discovered just how old I am tonight.

The venue was outdoors, the temperature was around 4 degrees Celsius. Thank heaven I brought a winter coat with me. Husband would not have been amused had he been there, he hated being cold.

Everyone assumed the reception would be far more comfortable indoors, however the heaters weren't working properly (apparently) but since the barn had open slats, I don't see how it could even attempt to be heated.

I almost cried at one point during a reading where the words were, "and if you shall die, then so too shall I, for our love is eternal." Yep, it was all I could do to not picture my darling husband laid out in his wedding attire at his funeral.

And so too shall I die, because our love is eternal.

This is how it feels. It feels like I've died, like there is no joy left in this life and I'm merely passing time until I can be with him again.

I miss him so much tonight.

 

[NarcSis]

Husband was looking forward to the big season premiere of The Walking Dead this year. We'd made bets over who died. I had to watch it - traumatizing!!!

They went way too far with the brutality, especially for those of us who've seen this in real life - that sht is NOT entertainment! In my head, those were people, those were real families suffering, screaming and reeling in shock. I went numb.

A husband died, this is especially far from entertaining to me right now. I felt like screaming. I was crying, bordering on sobs and hysteria. The husband on the show says with his last breath, "I'll find you." to his wife. Those were my words. Those have been my thoughts since my husband died - I'll find you, you're still here somewhere. And I look. I'm always looking for him, in our house, in our favorite places, in the woods, on the street, in cars that look like his.

I need a really bad cry. I need to scream again. This show didn't help.

Where are you husband? I can't feel you. I can't sense you. I still need you. I'll find you. We're going to be together again.

Uggh, my chest hurts. :(

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I hear about people celebrating their 20th and 50th wedding anniversaries and I get angry - I'll never get to celebrate that

I still have a tough time seeing older couples together. It is a feeling and a thought about missing out on what could have been.:cry::hug:

 

[NarcSis]

@gizmo, a fb friend recently celebrated a 40th wedding anniversary and my now married nephew and his bride keep posting pictures of their firsts as husband and wife. First breakfast as a married couple, first dinner out, first hotel room blah, blah, blah. And I keep thinking, first Halloween without him, first time change, first Remembrance Day, first smoke alarm battery change...uggh.

I've been here at my sisters house since last Wednesday. I almost feel like I don't want to go back to my lonely house tomorrow. As it is, I stayed an extra day because I really didn't feel like leaving. The dog loves it up here in the country.

I want this someday. I wanted this with my hubby. :(

Really missing him today.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

@Medic72 :hug: I hated the lonely firsts without my husband and I understand how bad the loneliness can be at times.

I am so glad you were able to get out and about with your dog. A fresh change is always a good idea I think.

It is a transition to go from a we to an I, that is for sure and it at times can be so painful and lonely.

I am so happy you have the dog and you are happy with him.

It seemed to take me forever to finally accept the word widow. How I hated it at first.

I also can understand all of the firsts without him. They are painful.

I remember feeling as if I was in a time warp bubble all isolated and alone and cut off from humanity if this makes sense. I just did not fit anywhere for the longest time and all around me were moving on as if it never happened. I did not like feeling that way.

I felt uncomfortable in being just me at gatherings. I always felt as if was a third wheel.

I am very proud of how far you have come and now you face the first holidays without him and this is especially difficult for me anyways.

But you will be okay I think because so much time has passed already so I hope that you are making plans for yourself on how you want to go through the holidays.

My husband loved me decorating for the holidays and I just do not feel like doing it alone, no energy to put all of the stuff out and then to pack it up and put it away, the thought makes me feel tired.

But it is your journey and you have been making very wise choices I think. I am so sorry that you miss him so much right now but it is so understandable.:hug:

 

[NarcSis]

Thanks @gizmo, sometimes I get so lonely I'd beg a stranger to come in and other times I'd rather be lonely because other people just don't get it.

I brought my sister back with me, her foot is still not 100%, I'll take her back Saturday and spend the weekend - we're skipping Halloween this year because I just don't feel like it besides my hubby hated it, so I'm cancelling it this year.

I'm missing him a lot today. I cried when a song came on that he sang to me once; we were driving and this song was playing on the radio. He turned to look at me and held my hand as he sang, "And baby, I'll be loving you, til we're 70." It just flashed in my brain today, he'll never be 70. He'll never see that. We won't be old together.

I cried again when we were watching a Schwarzenegger "zombie" movie, first because it was the last movie hubby and I had seen together in theater and second because it made me think of how he'd changed his mind about his wishes upon death - he chose cremation because he didn't want to ever become a zombie but mostly because he said he wanted to be with me.

I love him and I miss him really badly. I can't talk to him about anything anymore.

I need his hugs. He was just here...9 months coming up already.