Busy yesterday. My sister and I went driving, just taking in the fall colors and trying to avoid the busy areas - and there were a LOT of busy areas. I was thinking of my husband so often because we used to do that, just go riding or walking through the fallen leaves. We took the dog with us and I made some remark about how it would be me, my hubby and the dog, going exploring if he was still here. My sister said, "You wouldn't have gotten the dog if he was still here." I tried to deny it but it was true. As long as I had him, I was okay. I never needed anyone or anything else to keep me company or keep me happy; besides we wouldn't have been able to afford him back then, we were running pretty tight on my hubby's salary just with the bills. He never admitted how tight things were financially for us. He always told me to calm down when we'd go grocery shopping or just out to the mall because I'd always ask repeatedly, "Is this too much? Maybe I should get the cheaper one..." As it sits now, I'm worried that I now need to spend $40/month on dog food because of his yeasty paws.
Some days I also forget how badly the PTSD still affects me. When the dog just won't listen and I'm as patient as I can be and then I reach the end of my rope. I practice deep breathing but I usually end up giving in to the dog and feeling like a failure as a pet owner. I just get so frustrated and angry I want to kick him. I don't understand why he's doing what he's doing when just a week ago he was absolutely fine on leash - now he's pulling again, not wanting to walk, off leash he's no longer listening to me and runs away and no amount of treat can get him to cooperate. I just feel so defeated some days I want to scream and cry and I say things like, "Why couldn't I have gotten just a regular dog! Everyone else has dogs who walk nicely on leash, play and come when they're called!" I came home the other day after fighting with the dog on his morning walk - it's not a walk, it's him sniffing two or three trees and then refusing to walk anywhere I want to walk - and I was just so physically and emotionally exhausted. I lay on the couch and almost fell asleep, but of course, my sister doesn't care about how I'm feeling, its all about how I'm spoiling her plans for the day, so I grudgingly had to drag myself through her marathon session of shopping.
She's trying to get more time off because of her foot, she really should not be walking on it at all until the infection if completely gone. That being said, the infection looks like it's healing but for some reason she's still complaining of pain and limping on that foot. I just see the worst case scenario. I can't see anything else until a doctor says she's fine. Worry, worry, worry. Maybe this is contributing to my inability to deal with the dog's issues.
I feel like I need to disappear into the woods. My sister can't walk and all I want is to be out there with the dog, just walking, wandering and not caring about anything but us. I need my two or three hour hike. I just need it so badly. I need to feel alive again.
I was praying to my hubby last night, for him to help me keep going. I don't know where I'm going. I don't know why but each day I wake up and face another day for reasons unknown and for a purpose that doesn't seem to exist. Before he died, my reason to keep going was to be his wife, his housekeeper - that was my new normal, that was my new identity and I was just coming to terms with that. Now I have to live for me and I don't see the reason.
I feel bad because I was essentially judged by a 10 year old yesterday in the way I'm "training" my dog. I know they weren't her words, she was just repeating what she'd heard from her parents. Her grandmother on her dad's side used to be a vet so now the kid pretends she's a vet and comes to repeatedly ring my doorbell every other day wanting to see the dog. That doorbell terrifies the dog, he runs into things, he gets so frightened (and I've TOLD the kid this!) It annoys the living shit out of me. Yesterday I wanted to scream at her because the cord I'm holding on by is slowly unraveling. I was in no mood to deal with her and I don't know how to tell her without breaking her heart that I cannot stand her terrorizing my dog and bothering me. Her parents don't give a crap, they gave up on her a long time ago, (I think she's ADHD) so this 10 year old child is repeatedly running from house to house looking for someone to pay attention to her - even her friends don't answer the door some days.
Anyway, this kid came over yesterday and my sister let her into my house!! I could not believe how socially irresponsible a move that was! An unaccompanied minor in my home! Holy crap, this after my sister balked and brayed over how she was going to lay down the long arm of the law and tell the kid off once and for all!!! Oh and this kid will lie saying she has permission from her parents to be where she is, I know this for a fact, so I came downstairs as this kid came running down the hall into my living room looking for the dog and I said in a very stern voice, "Do you have permission from your mom and dad to be in my house?", "Uh, yeah, they're fine with it..." so I said, "Well, I'm not sure about that, so let's go, out you go. You never go into a stranger's home unless you have a mom or dad with you, do you understand that?" and I escorted her out the back door to the yard where I let her further terrorize my dog for 20 minutes. I had no choice. It was either that or scream obscenities at the kid and break things.
Uggh, this never would have happened if my hubby was alive.
