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one hold and hold on to keep holding on and fighting through what really cant be fought. trying to survive just to keep fighting to barely survive. I do therapy i do meds see psych etc etc etc... But its like as much as you want to keep fighting, in real life there is no fight left and...

oh ive tried to adoptive mom ive been struggling but she kind of ignored that. told biological grandma and she thinks suicide is predestin. My bio mom killed herself 2.5 years ago. im at a loss at this point. i feel so ashamed and embarrassed and that i dont belong here its not that i dont...

kind of but i have like no energy and my ability to think properly is greatly hindered :/

no just one

So im learning things def arent okay been chatting with local crisis line again they sent out PD again with mobile crisis (whom want to do another assessment that i already pretty much did, as jsut an update) my actions say i dont have time. im 27 and now have will because of suicide crap...

oh im so sorry, :/ that stinks. why did she move overseas? im detached gone disappearing

sounds productive. how was your day?

Hi Bellbird, Just trying to hang on still in destructive mode, hope to have guts to call MCT tomorrow. how are you? <3

i appreciate you telling me because im in the bunch of pills phase and other bad. intellectually know wrong but doesnt make difference. im trying to get courage to call think about what to say....

yes but i dont want to be. dont have anyone to call for me. its me myself and i. i feel so trapped.

MCT= mobile crisis team

how do i tell MCT whats going on? not so good with in person talk

i understand its risky care and dont care i know what can happen :/

ive been Hospitalized twice once by old school counselor then when i went to ER both were 5150's and it was horrible first time was county place just REALLY horrific, second place i ironically got hurt there adn got sent back to ER to get face glued, then back topsych ward i think they felt...

well when you put it like that, 5 strangers showing up does sound ridic and I know intellectually i should feel happy proud that i was mostly honest with crisis line. but feeling i dont. but thank you. ive been thinking about calling Mobile back and leaving voicemail saying i lied and things...

i get it, and it makes me feel guilty because i should take whatever help i can get at this point, its so confusing frustrating irritating and makes me sad angry but you are correct have 3 officers and 2 mental health workers show up unannounced isnt really going to help, especially since...

I think i get it, AND in a way yes, because help has always meant being in worse situation/ hurt even more.

what does that mean ive read it like 5 times and im perplexed :/

yea i do the same with the drinking blacking out, have added sleep pills into it because being awake is too much but being asleep and aware is also too much. you are not alone.

i get it, and its torture EVERYTHING is thank you for saying all this, i get the whole acting/ about to act. and its pretty just me myself & I. i just dont have it in me anymore. recently lost insurance cant afford therapy etc. at a breaking point

no i dont by outsiders look on these perhaps by my standards not 100%

long story short things have been torture decided to be honest with crisis line police and mobile crisis team showed up at my house it scared me/terrified me i panicked and wasnt 100% honest but wish i was :/ i made things seem like they were ok, when they arent, but it was 3 officers and 2...

its feels like im running out of time. thank you for telling me you sound amazingly strong and it just feels like i dont have the strength anymore. i dont have the fight in me like i use to they were shorts stays frist one was county as school counselor sent me, second time went to er ended...

no

havent been on meds for awhile