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Search results

  1. KwanYingirl

    Through The Mud And Toward The Sun, The Lotus Blossoms

    Have bottomed out. Daughter may be visiting today and that makes me extremely anxious. Been awake since 2am and would rather just sleep this afternoon. Yesterday the offgassing in my office has become unbearable. I am not using paper pouches anymore. If it’s not latex, it’s the glue. It...
  2. KwanYingirl

    Through The Mud And Toward The Sun, The Lotus Blossoms

    Well, I have changed my mind again for the hundredth time. Now I think I shouldn’t get a puppy. I’m having mood swings about it. Really too much anxiety about Annie. She may be nearing the end of her life and I want her to have a predictable life. If I start leaving her home instead of coming to...
  3. KwanYingirl

    Through The Mud And Toward The Sun, The Lotus Blossoms

    Well, it’s been a hell of a year so far. Topped off by my car accident and the huge out of pocket expenses. I didn’t pay my mortgage or car payment not my office rent, but as long as all my clients shoe up this week, I can get current. This gives me a bit of satisfaction as my income is going up...
  4. KwanYingirl

    Through The Mud And Toward The Sun, The Lotus Blossoms

    I’m getting a new puppy in September to help Annie with her failing health. It will be a white Maltepoo like Annie, well Annie is black. I don’t know if I’ll be getting a girl or boy. Annie’s breeder wants me to have one because she has more puppies right now and some people have backed out. I...
  5. KwanYingirl

    Through The Mud And Toward The Sun, The Lotus Blossoms

    @ladee heartbreaking for sure. But, am I the one that is breaking my own heart? I try to be a positive role model for my kids, but they are drifting farther and farther away. So far that I barely recognize them. And as you know, it’s hard not to romanticize the past. The fun adventures we had...
  6. KwanYingirl

    Through The Mud And Toward The Sun, The Lotus Blossoms

    @ladee I’ve got 27 years of sobriety. All my siblings are recovering alcoholics my father was a raging abusive alcoholic that got sober way after my mom kicked him out the day he raised a cast iron skillet to murder me. That didn’t matter to him. He got sober to keep his job. Now the next...
  7. KwanYingirl

    We are getting married in just more than a month!

    Well done!! Be sure to let us know the date so I, for one, can be there in spirit. You are lucky to have your new and healthy family. It’s ok to be anxious. Excitement, and making the plans can stress your system. Take your self compassion breaks!! So happy for you.
  8. KwanYingirl

    Through The Mud And Toward The Sun, The Lotus Blossoms

    Emailed my son two different articles on the damage binge drinking causes. One focused on just the brain, the other was about liver, heart and kidneys. His brain is becoming terrifying. He played defense in football all the way through college. His teams won every year. He was a linebacker and a...
  9. KwanYingirl

    Being alive, good judgement and making mistakes

    @Living in the 70s we didn’t get raised in a nurturing place. Nothing was safe, we were indentured servants, we weren’t challenged to try new adventures, there was a long, long time of anti-secure all incubated us into the mot messes we are today. I kept my children safe, well fed, free play...
  10. KwanYingirl

    Being alive, good judgement and making mistakes

    I agree. I spend an inordinate amount of time being hypervigilent, planning my escape, looking for land mines, and generally preoccupied with the desperate hope of being in control, that I’m totally missing out on the present. And things do go wrong that are not my fault. But because I know I’m...
  11. KwanYingirl

    Strategies for driving to daughters wedding

    Fast forward. My daughter sent me the video that was done of the wedding day. I appear in tender moments with my daughter when she was getting hair makeup and dressed. Also other tender moments at the reception. I looked good and was smiling and hugging her. I’m glad they fit me into the video
  12. KwanYingirl

    Bad person didn't stop it

    I put a stop to it at age 12. I simply said “Get out of my room” and he did and I never spoke a word to him the rest of his life. He would always stare at me though, making me feel very vulnerable and just so sad that I had this burden. By the time I was 15 I was in a love affair with meth that...
  13. KwanYingirl

    How to survive taking care of sick grandma

    @Chitoshi I hear what others are saying, but ultimately I want to assure you that not everyone has the ability to “just let it go” if that were possible, there would be no need for a support group for PTSD sufferers. Why of course we would all be better off if we could let all the abuse in our...
  14. KwanYingirl

    How to survive taking care of sick grandma

    Hospice are great people. They will do everything possible to comfort her and you don’t have the power to help her that way. End of life is never easy on the family, especially if you were expected to be there 24/7. No one can keep that up. Don’t break your own heart over this. It’s admirable...
  15. KwanYingirl

    How to survive taking care of sick grandma

    Will anyone be relieving you for a break?
  16. KwanYingirl

    How did you pick your therapist?

    Two previous therapists, both who I liked, recommended that I consider EMDR. I just happened to mention it to a client. She and I are both recovering alcoholics and had a good relationship. I trusted her opinion. She gave me the name of the therapist she was with. I carried that piece of paper...
  17. KwanYingirl

    How to survive taking care of sick grandma

    My heart goes out to. First of all, you drove 12 hours to get there, how dare anyone should insult you. It was in the part of your post that you mentioned your grandmas difficult childhood and it made me think she’s abusive too. It gets kind of a gray zone with the elderly. She has cancer, has...
  18. KwanYingirl

    Any feedback out there: adderall vs ritalin - tbi / cptsd

    I sincerely hope you find a recipe for feeling better. I also have extreme reactions to chemicals. I tried Adderall and I felt too amped up and I couldn’t get to sleep. I was disappointed because it does help a lot of people.
  19. KwanYingirl

    Through The Mud And Toward The Sun, The Lotus Blossoms

    My stress cup runners over. It is so hot out. I took Annie for a short walk yesterday and she collapsed. This morning I am trying to get the air conditioner in the window but I’m not strong enough. I texted my son for help and he said I should’ve thought of it when it wasn’t a heat wave...
  20. KwanYingirl

    What do bedrooms look like?

    Decide what appeals to you: modern, mid century modern, rustic farmhouse, rustic Italian, French country, Victorian, bohemian, afar East, Near East. You can find furniture online like someone said. I’ve found lots of perfectly good things sitting on the curb in wealthy towns waiting for the...
  21. KwanYingirl

    When can i enjoy life?

    @Stephernovas i am the same train you’re on!! I have tried every trick in the book to first take care of me. To spend time improving my mind/body split. The only thing that works for me is a) having a dog to walk-very therapeutic, and b) watching YouTube videos of Tara Brach. She gives a talk...
  22. KwanYingirl

    Feelings of shame stirred up by unresponsive therapist

    Could this be an anxiety thing? You read like your mind is in a negative feedback loop. Maybe you could focus on being grounded, comfort yourself by putting your hand on your heart and tell yourself that everything will work out as it is meant to be, that you are hurting and exhausted and this...
  23. KwanYingirl

    How to get free or low cost treatment, where you are?

    I’m in the US, Maine specifically. States are allowed to limit the number of sessions to whatever they want. Some states have parity laws that mandate no limits on number of visits in rape/sexual assault cases. The patient has to go to providers that accept their insurance company. The skies...
  24. KwanYingirl

    Feelings of shame stirred up by unresponsive therapist

    I really like the training wheels analogy. Support while learning to go it alone/other settings/totally different “bikes”. Part of my winding things up in my emotion mind, always thinking my docs don’t really want me, I’m not important, etc. I have just got to force myself to stop submitting to...
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