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@ladee , I'm supposed to have individual therapy on Friday. I'm not sure if he's going to be there. He either cancelled group or just didn't let me into the session (trying to think group was just cancelled and he didn't send out an email to let us know). Still no word about tomorrow's group...

Tonight I went to X's group. We had a good conversation about work related issues. Not particularly relevant to me but I have some past experience with it so I shared my experiences in order to support a fellow group member. At some point, the conversation turned and became about how we even...

@ladee , I like you too. I'm a mess and don't usually make a lot of sense to people but I feel like you usually do. Thank you for that.

Well, it's about 6 pm on a Sunday night. I haven't been at all productive this weekend. It's been hard to find any motivation. I'm still not really sleeping much. The nightmares have continued on. I had my guitar lesson yesterday and it went well. We're going to start working on "Take On...

Woke up exhausted this morning. I know I had some sort of bad dream last night because I remember waking up once in tears. I don't remember the dream itself though. I suspect that the dreams will get worse as I get closer to Friday. I'm supposed to be playing Among Us tonight with friends...

I had a really good time out with friends tonight. I definitely laughed really hard a few times. I also realized that I hadn't seen any of these people in well over a year. There were only three other people there tonight and two of them I hadn't seen in years plural. There was a time I saw...

No, I haven't see him since the dreams started. Not for individual therapy anyway. I'm not sure I could tell him, even if I had seen him. This is very possible. My T has done nothing wrong. Believe me, my mind scans for danger constantly and can't come up with anything. So maybe my mind is...

I'm actually leaving my house today to visit with a very small group of friends. In a way I know I shouldn't go but one of the friends is in visiting from Bermuda and I only get to see him every couple of years. It'll be nice to see actual people and probably good for my mental health.

Today has been a pretty good day so far. I even played a game with my geometry class. They were pretty excited about that. I try to make math fun when I can. Later this afternoon, I am heading over to a friend's house to hang out with a very small number of people. One of my old friends is...

@ladee , my T has me scheduled twice in January but we're also starting EMDR at that time so I think that's the reason why. I have no idea how long we'll be doing EMDR for but we are supposed to be doing it again this summer to start working on the childhood trauma stuff. The sessions in...

If I cut off my pinky and you cut off your whole hand, we'd both have experienced pain and loss, even if they are to different extents. It's okay to mourn your own loss even if someone else has "had it worse". I personally hate toxic positivity that tells people to be grateful for what they...

@ladee , after last night, I'm not sure about calling Urgent Care again. Three bad experiences in a row has soured the experience for me. I've been debating if I would use a hotline or even a warmline if I needed to reach out. It's hard having therapy only once per month. That gives me a lot...

@ladee , I'm not particularly religious either. I do know what it is to help others and feel good about it though. I'd be a pretty lousy teacher if I didn't enjoy that aspect of my job. I don't have as much of a struggle calling Urgent Care. Those people are on duty and schedule me. If no...

@Freemartin , There are some hotline numbers I could try. I don't know if that's a good solution but I might as well try it. That Urgent Care T just doesn't get me. There's a guy that is sometimes there that is extremely helpful. I was really hoping he'd be the one I got last night but nope...

@ladee , Fair enough. I do know how to ask for help. I struggle with actually doing it. I do this at work a lot too. Sometimes it's a simple question and I just can't ask it because I feel like it might show how dumb I really am or that I'm bothering the person by adding to their plate. I...

@ladee , It's not a matter of trust or concern about being judged. It's more that I have a hard time asking anyone for help. This is the same reason I am failing at therapy. I don't know if you've ever heard of fork theory but essentially, things that are bothering us are forks. Some forks...

Sometimes, I just don't know why I try. I got the same bad Urgent Care T that I had the last time. I shut completely down and barely said anything to her. Ended up disconnecting after about ten minutes. Needless to say, I feel even worse. I see my T next Friday. Let's see if I can hang on...

There is but one way to ever really know peace. Peace is all I want anymore. December is a hard month for me. And look at that, I'm falling apart on the 2nd. It's going to be a long, long month. I am following my safety plan though and I called for an Urgent Care appointment. It didn't go...

I interact with people on a daily basis through my job as a teacher. However, I wear a pretty cheerful mask and people think I'm doing really well mentally. Few people see the amount of duress I've been struggling with for the past couple of months. I isolate a lot in real life by choice- my...

I hope you're okay. I also hope the asshat guy sitting in your driveway leaves soon. It's good that you're not going with him- this should prove beyond a doubt that he doesn't respect your boundaries by not accepting a simple no before you even live together. It was a great call you made...

I didn't sleep well last night- lots of nightmares. I know this is because of group last night. I rationally know that most likely group was cancelled due to an emergency. My T probably didn't even know how to get in touch with a group of people that fluctuates every week and who needed to be...

I was supposed to have my T's group tonight. He either didn't show up or just didn't let me in. My husband says that I should email him but I don't think I can. Either way I'm in my feelings. I know emergencies come up and this is probably one of those moments where he is apparently human...

Went to X's group tonight. He has started a series of discussions regarding the difficulty of the holidays. Next week, I think I'll be bringing the tissues. I mentioned that I honestly believe that I may not be able to do any real healing unless I cut my mother off. I explained that I'd be...

I've been feeling fairly calm and peaceful today. Not sure why- maybe I'm just too tired to be worked up about anything. Maybe it's the downpours gently tapping against my window and the low ambient light. I couldn't sleep last night and realized it was because I didn't take my meds. I might...

Well, I got some work done today. Tomorrow is going to be a long day for me so at least I feel sort of prepared. Had to call mom today- she sent me a birthday card with a check for my birthday. Still talking about politics and fantasizing about Trump getting dragged out of his office by...