Sadielady3's Diary

[woodsy1]

No, I haven't see him since the dreams started. Not for individual therapy anyway. I'm not sure I could tell him, even if I had seen him.

I get that. Some things are hard to share. Sometimes everything and anything is hard to share!

This is very possible. My T has done nothing wrong. Believe me, my mind scans for danger constantly and can't come up with anything. So maybe my mind is trying to invent reasons why I should be weary of him.

Maybe if I start journaling about the dreams, they will subside. I don't really know what else to do at this point but I'm exhausted. I figured I'd give it a shot.

For me, it wouldn't be about my therapist doing anything wrong. It would just be about me feeling vulnerable or exposed, or wondering what someone will think of me if I tell them.

Journaling may help. I typically find that when I discuss something it loses some of it's influence in my life. It's like I disarm the thought or symptom or pain or fear somewhat by owning it with words.

I hope you find a good resolve to the dreams you are experiencing.

We're here any time to chat.

 

[Sadielady3]

I had a really good time out with friends tonight. I definitely laughed really hard a few times. I also realized that I hadn't seen any of these people in well over a year. There were only three other people there tonight and two of them I hadn't seen in years plural. There was a time I saw all of these people weekly, if not more. Granted, one of them lives in Bermuda now so he's not really available to see but the other two are doable. And it's been over a year. And the one I saw most recently is my best friend. Granted, I talk to her regularly on the phone but make no real effort to ever actually go out into the world to spend time doing things with her. It kind of sucks to realize you should get out more while also knowing that that's not possible right now.

A already knew my story but the other two didn't. They didn't realize how bad all of 2020 has been for me. We talked about my journey with therapy for a bit. A talked about how good my T is for me and how far I've come in the past year with coping with everything. One of the other friends commented that I seemed a bit nervous but overall good. Pandemic aside, I don't think I could have gone to that gathering 6 months ago. Maybe I am making progress but it doesn't feel like it because I can't reap the benefits fully right now. Hard to say.

Here's hoping to a night of restful sleep for a change. It would be nice to have sweet dreams for once.

 

[Sadielady3]

Woke up exhausted this morning. I know I had some sort of bad dream last night because I remember waking up once in tears. I don't remember the dream itself though. I suspect that the dreams will get worse as I get closer to Friday.

I'm supposed to be playing Among Us tonight with friends. Hopefully they remember to invite me. I think spending time with people, even if it's virtually, is helpful these days. I should try to do more of that when I can.

I think I'll spend the day trying to get some work done, some housework done, and just relaxing. I'm just so tired though.

 

[Sadielady3]

Well, it's about 6 pm on a Sunday night. I haven't been at all productive this weekend. It's been hard to find any motivation. I'm still not really sleeping much. The nightmares have continued on.

I had my guitar lesson yesterday and it went well. We're going to start working on "Take On Me". I'm a big fan of the show "The Magicians" and when one of the characters died, the rest of the cast gathered around the campfire to sing a lovely acoustic version of it. There's a similar version in the video game "The Last of Us", which I have never played but the clip is all over YouTube. I found a gorgeous classical guitar version on YouTube and have become obsessed with it. My teacher says it's a bit ambitious for me to try to learn it (which I figured, which is why I was hesitant to bring it up) but he said we could definitely do a simplified version of it. He's supposed to send me some stuff for it this week. Kind of excited about it.

I did end up playing Among Us with friends last night. I had a good time doing that. An old friend that I haven't seen in over five years joined us. He's in the Air Force so he's been moving around a lot the past five years and currently lives in Hawaii. The time difference between Hawaii and Maryland is pretty significant so it was nice that we could actually play a game together.

A part of me keep hoping my T will cancel this week. A part of me will be crushed if he does. I am just such a mess. I think I need to tell him about the nightmares I've been having. It's really hard to want to tell him how afraid of him I really am when I know there's no logical reason. I've been doing some research, which usually gets me into trouble, and I think I might have a disorganized attachment style with people. It would make sense, if this is true, that I would be afraid of my T. I listened to my favorite Podcast and one of the therapists on there has disorganized attachment. The way he described how he feels about his therapist was so resonating. As much as I keep trying to rationalize away this need that I apparently have to be liked, it's a thing for people with disorganized attachment. At my core, I just don't trust in other people. And apparently, people like me are supposed to work through this through going to therapy and it's a part of the work I need to do to heal. According to the Podcast, this is the type of work that therapists know they're signing up for and as much as I feel like a burden and like I'm too much for anyone to want to work with, it's literally at the core of what they do. While I can rationally accept that, emotionally it's really hard. But I can see the disorganized attachment in my marriage as well as other relationships. I never fully trust anyone to stick around. I used to compulsively worry my husband was going to leave me. Now, it's just once in awhile. But it took years. Occasionally, I'll realize that I'm a burden to my friends and start avoiding them. At some point, the avoidance tends to turn into estrangement. The friends that I still have are the ones who will actually pick up the phone and call if they haven't heard from me in awhile. I still feel bad at times for inflicting myself on them. It's all messed up. So maybe I need to figure out a way to get better with this and believe that people actually like me and want me around.

 

[ladee]

I hope so Sadie. I like you and want you around. But understand how hard this is for you. So, supporting you quietly most of the time. Wanted to say this and then I'll be quiet again.

 

[Sadielady3]

@ladee , I like you too. I'm a mess and don't usually make a lot of sense to people but I feel like you usually do. Thank you for that.

 

[ladee]

I always understand what you are sharing Sadie. And that's one of the great thing about having your diary. For you to put your thoughts and feelings down in black and white and figure out things as you go. I do HEAR you.

 

[Sadielady3]

Tonight I went to X's group. We had a good conversation about work related issues. Not particularly relevant to me but I have some past experience with it so I shared my experiences in order to support a fellow group member. At some point, the conversation turned and became about how we even go to work with all of the issues we all have. I shared that teaching is so meaningful and fulfilling for me that it helps me to keep going. Another group member said that I seem like a bubbly happy person. At this point I shared that what the see is a mask. I talked about how I'm having nightmares that are keeping me from sleeping and how deeply I want to end this thing called life. I talked about the mask that I wear and how distracting it is for everyone around me. I talked about how I am rarely ever just my authentic whole self and how exhausting it is to keep up the facade. I finally admitted out loud how much pain I'm really actually in and how hopeless I feel that the feelings will ever really change. X actually looked down while I was talking. He looked really sad to me. I hope my pain didn't cause him any pain. My words came out of nowhere and he may not have been braced for an impact like that. I know he suffers from anxiety but he may have other things in there too. Luckily, I think most Ts have reasonably good coping skills and I think that he'll be okay, even if something I said did hit home for him a bit.

Still having all of the nightmares. They are getting more intense and vivid as time goes on. I am just so exhausted all of the time.

 

[ladee]

Hope you get some rest soon. Nightmare and no sleep are a bad combo of making something grow like a mushroom in the dark. Hope you have an appt with your T soon so you can unload and hopefully get some relief.

 

[Sadielady3]

@ladee , I'm supposed to have individual therapy on Friday. I'm not sure if he's going to be there. He either cancelled group or just didn't let me into the session (trying to think group was just cancelled and he didn't send out an email to let us know). Still no word about tomorrow's group but sometimes he doesn't register us until 2 or 3 in the afternoon the day of so it could go either way.

But here's the thing: even if I do end up having therapy on Friday, I have no idea how to talk about my nightmares about my T with my T. Rationally I know he's a great T and I can rationally explain all of the reasons why I should 100% trust him. These dreams are coming from a place of deep distrust. It feels cruel to tell him these things that I know are both unfair and not how the rational, functional part of me feels about him. I don't want to damage this relationship.

 

[ladee]

Sadie, he is a professional. That has spent a gazillion hours learning to do what he does. It's not that they don't have feelings, but they are trained to be very detached from what they are hearing. Again, not saying he doesn't have feelings, but YOU are priority in that room. He probably already knows you are going to need a lot of reinforced support and encouragement.

Daughter of Narc mothers are almost a specific and separate group to be helped to heal those deep wounds. They need to know what goes on when you are not there with them. That is the only way he can help you.

Right now this doesn't make sense to you that you don't have the power to mess up a relationship with a therapist. He doesn't take what you say personal. You are transferring your own sensitivity onto to him. He is listening with a therapists ears on how to help you.

Your fears are unfounded with him. He represents 'authority' and in the past you have always been blamed for messing up a relationship with authority , your mother. That is partly why you are seeing him. To learn to heal the damage of the relationship that has enabled you to feel you will be to blame if something goes wrong.

I understand where you are coming from. But he can't help you if you don't tell him. And you can't learn to trust him if you don't tell him the hard stuff and see that he handles it. And in turn helps YOU.

Hope that made sense.

 

[Sadielady3]

@ladee , It absolutely makes sense. The podcast I was listening to said that the way to heal from this type of childhood trauma is to go to therapy consistently and choose to trust every single time you show up. I've been trying to trust him a lot more lately. And I get that he's a professional and has trained to know that my issues are not actually about him. Heck, even I know it's not really about him. He may be the target of my emotional turbulence but he is not the reason for it. However, I'm not practiced at looking another human being in the face and saying, "Hey, I've been having nightmares about you and a part of my brain is convinced that you are absolutely against me and would leave me somewhere to die. Thoughts?" I'm not as certain as you are that I can't screw up this relationship either. He has every ability and right to terminate me at any time. I have no reason to believe that he's not going to do so. Ts do terminate difficult patients all of the time. And while I know that if I get to be too difficult for him he actually should terf me out to someone else, I have built a relationship with him and that would be painful to me. Yes, at some point this relationship will end but I just don't want it to be my fault.