Sadielady3's Diary

[Sadielady3]

Had my second guitar lesson today. I was really nervous about it because I didn't practice as much as I would have liked but at least I did practice. My teacher was pleased with my progress nonetheless. He said I could play what he thought I'd be able to learn in a week. He also told me that I'm more of an intermediate student and the work he is assigning me is starting to be more advanced. I thought maybe I was too basic for him to teach so it was a nice moment.

I've been starting to think ahead to my next session- a week and a half away. I'm not sure I have anything I want to talk to my T about, I'm kind of just waiting for the January sessions when we're going to do the EMDR. I also really kind of need this session to be a lighter one. The last three sessions were big and then I fell apart after all of them and wound up talking to the Urgent Care T both times. I might reach out to my T to see if he even wants me to come in since I don't have anything to talk about and I'm sure he could use my slot to help someone who needs to see him. But then I don't know if I'm just trying to avoid him. But honestly, not sure what I want to talk about that isn't going to send me spiraling.

There's still just one question I want to ask my T and I never will because I know it comes from the fear side of me, the transference. I want to ask him if he really wants to be working with me and if so, why? I still don't really get why he wants to work with me and I still feel guilty for taking up his time. I know he keeps telling me that he's happy to be along for the ride but I just don't get the why of it all. There's got to be more interesting patients than me and there's got to be easier patients than me. I've been high maintenance lately. I think I'm rather boring to listen to. I've gotten over being mad at him for being nice to me but I still don't understand why he's so nice to me. I really hate this transference- I never questioned that relationship before things got so messy.

 

[Sadielady3]

Well, I got some work done today. Tomorrow is going to be a long day for me so at least I feel sort of prepared.

Had to call mom today- she sent me a birthday card with a check for my birthday. Still talking about politics and fantasizing about Trump getting dragged out of his office by force. Ugh. There's no way, even if there is some sort of drama that day that it will live up to the hype she's giving it. She bragged several times about how lucky she is that she doesn't teach anymore and how glad she is that she doesn't have to go on TV every day with these children. I had no idea my little lessons were that famous!

She's pretty upset that I won't be coming home for Christmas but with Covid, I don't see how I could. The numbers just keep going up and I doubt Thanksgiving will have a beneficial effect. It's honestly good for my mental health not to go right now anyway. It's one of the few upsides to this isolation- at least I don't have to go spend a week having panic attacks and feverishly calling friends for support from the car. My husband seems to think I should schedule a therapy appointment while I'm at her house but I think that the level of drama that would cause would probably push me over the edge. I guarantee that she would rip the phone out of my hands and explain what a good mother she is to my T. Not sure what he would make of that, to be honest, but it could be rather informative for him. Plus her finding out I've been in therapy for almost a year, out of work for a month to go to an intensive outpatient program, yeah...

 

[Sadielady3]

I've been feeling fairly calm and peaceful today. Not sure why- maybe I'm just too tired to be worked up about anything. Maybe it's the downpours gently tapping against my window and the low ambient light. I couldn't sleep last night and realized it was because I didn't take my meds. I might be dependent on the gabapentin to get to sleep now. I don't know how I feel about that. I do sleep a lot better than I used to. I used to wake up from nightmares and the slightest noise in the room. My husband is an insomniac who gets up multiple times every night and this used to always wake me up. Now it just does sometimes. Maybe dependence on gabapentin isn't the worst thing. If nothing else getting better rest is probably helping my anxiety and depression issues.

I have X's group tonight. I don't really want to go because I just feel like I'm at peace at the moment and have nothing I really feel like talking about. Maybe I'm scared of what it's going to kick up in me that will ruin my peacefulness. I'm going to go. I know commitment is the most important part of the process. I wish I was a strong guitar player because I really wish I could just go and strums out some chords and softly sing some songs. Luckily, I have a good teacher and will hopefully be there before I know it.

 

[Sadielady3]

Went to X's group tonight. He has started a series of discussions regarding the difficulty of the holidays. Next week, I think I'll be bringing the tissues.

I mentioned that I honestly believe that I may not be able to do any real healing unless I cut my mother off. I explained that I'd be losing the rest of my family if I did so and even explained some of the history and dynamics there. Another group member explained that she has the same relationship with her sibling that I have with mine but that she was the younger abandoned sibling in that dynamic. So much hurt and brokenness due to bad parenting...

X went on to talk about what cutting a person off really looks like and that maybe sometimes it's more like an unfollow on Facebook than it is an unfriend or a block. The thing is, my mother has repeatedly proven that she doesn't respect my boundaries and will do anything to get my attention and will do anything to have control in the relationship. There is no middle ground with her. I know her effect on me and yet I just can't walk away. I don't know if I will be able to get healthy enough to take back my power and control while still in the middle of it.

X told me that I really need to discuss these things with my T. It wasn't in a way where I did the wrong thing by sharing but more of a notice that these things really need to be explored in depth and a group setting just isn't the place to really dig that deep. I guess I have my topic for next week. I've been doing better about being brave in individual therapy lately and really telling my T some things. I just hope it doesn't send me into such a tailspin that I wind up in crisis again.

 

[Sadielady3]

I was supposed to have my T's group tonight. He either didn't show up or just didn't let me in. My husband says that I should email him but I don't think I can. Either way I'm in my feelings. I know emergencies come up and this is probably one of those moments where he is apparently human. I sincerely hope that if something happened on his end of things that he is okay and doing well wherever he is.

 

[Sadielady3]

I didn't sleep well last night- lots of nightmares. I know this is because of group last night. I rationally know that most likely group was cancelled due to an emergency. My T probably didn't even know how to get in touch with a group of people that fluctuates every week and who needed to be contacted. This makes complete sense to me. But that evil side of my emotional brain is really going haywire on this.

I did some googling and I think I may have an avoidant style of attachment. I don't know a whole lot about attachment theory/styles. I listened to some commentary from a podcaster I really like about attachment theory. I think I have a pretty secure attachment to my husband but it took a good long while, years. In general, I don't like people when I first meet them and, as my husband has pointed out, I push people away at the very first opportunity. My closest friends are people that have been in my life for years and even with some of them, I keep them at an arm's distance. My T will always be a stranger and trusting him to be a person that I can trust may be beyond my abilities.

I'm a bit worried that if the EMDR doesn't work for me that he's going to give up. That idea has been floating around my head for awhile now. I'm going to go through with it but what happens if it doesn't work? I know it works for the majority of people and I'm likely worrying about nothing.

I spent some time talking to L yesterday about my relationship with my mother as well. I've started to realize what the deal with her is for me. When I was in college, I cut her off for about three years, give or take. I had started to explore why I let her back into my life at all. I had been doing a lot better without her in my life. I realized that it came down to money. When I first graduated, I was so poor. I had graduated with degrees in music and philosophy and this didn't exactly open up doors to decent paying jobs. I struggled so much financially. My mom has a decent amount of money and was able to help me financially. L pointed out that she bought my loyalty years ago. At this point in my life, I don't need her money. I'm doing okay without any financial contributions from her. But it feels lousy to turn your back on someone who helped you when you really needed help. She didn't help me out of love though. She helped me as a way to own me. And I suppose it worked. I would happily write her a check today for the money she gave me back when to buy my freedom but the drama that would ensue from that would be tremendous and I doubt it would truly buy my freedom. I suspect the guilt from such an action that she would inflict on me would keep me loyal to her anyways. She has been training her whole life to be the ultimate victim. Nothing is ever her fault and an apology from her is a rare as a unicorn showing up on my doorstep.

I really just want a break from all of this. I'm so tired. It's hard to live with this much fear all of the damn time. I find calm for a few days and then something inevitably happens and wham, right back to being fearful. I know this is a long process and will take years but there's got to be a way that I can be more okay in general. I can't focus on things for very long anymore. I have periods of time where I have nightmares and don't sleep much. I've had so many nightmares about my T alone. All I really want is peace.

 

[Sadielady3]

There is but one way to ever really know peace. Peace is all I want anymore. December is a hard month for me. And look at that, I'm falling apart on the 2nd. It's going to be a long, long month.

I am following my safety plan though and I called for an Urgent Care appointment. It didn't go all that well the last two times but maybe tonight will be better. I hope it helps. I'm tired of fluctuating between fear and numbing out. I haven't had a happy day in awhile. I think the last one might have been my birthday. I think that that's typical for me. But I know that I need help. Man, do I feel like I'm drowning today.

The last person I want to talk to about this is my T. That's pretty messed up. He's supposed to be a support for me but I don't want to reach out to him to bother him. I know how busy he is these days with all of his new patients. I don't need to add to his pile. I should be better at coping on my own but I'm not. I'm trying and failing so miserably at this. I know I'm supposed to let him worry about me and not the other way around. I just don't do well with being taken care of by someone else.

I just keep looking at all of the bottles of pills that I take and knowing that I have everything I need to find peace. I keep trying to believe that if I just hang on long enough things will get better. I'm just not that sure anymore that that's true. But at least I keep trying I guess. I'm still here. Others say that's a good thing. I'm just not so sure.

 

[Sadielady3]

Sometimes, I just don't know why I try. I got the same bad Urgent Care T that I had the last time. I shut completely down and barely said anything to her. Ended up disconnecting after about ten minutes. Needless to say, I feel even worse.

I see my T next Friday. Let's see if I can hang on that long without canceling the appointment and running away from this.

 

[ladee]

You can do this Sadie. And you can also share with us and take a risk that you are not judged. Get support and feedback if you want it. You don't have to wait until Friday. But will understand if you want to. Hang in there. You can do this.

 

[Sadielady3]

@ladee , It's not a matter of trust or concern about being judged. It's more that I have a hard time asking anyone for help. This is the same reason I am failing at therapy.

I don't know if you've ever heard of fork theory but essentially, things that are bothering us are forks. Some forks are big and some are small. A little fork is fairly tolerable for most people but everyone has a limit on the number of forks that they can handle. I have way too many forks stuck in me right now and I have no idea how to remove most of them. I'm way past my limit. But there's nothing big that is wrong so it feels hard to even focus on what's bothering me and I feel crazy trying to talk about it because it's just so many medium and little things. I don't know how to ask for help with this.

 

[ladee]

I understand about asking for help. So sometimes I just write in my diary whatever is going on with me. Even if it makes no sense, not even to me. I just share what all the noise is saying and at least get it out of my head.
And you can always end your comments with, "Any suggestions would be helpful'

And sometimes asking for help is as simple (tho very uncomfortable!) as starting a thread say, with the title ' How do you ask for help?'. And at least see others are having as many problems as you are.

This is the place we get to practice with the many things we are uncomfortable doing. No one knows us in real life. It's anonymous, and if no one replies it only stings for a little while.

It's like you learning more advanced music on your guitar. You have to move out of your comfort zone and try something new.

I feel you do know how to ask for help, but maybe you can share what your fears of asking for help are. Maybe that will break it down for you so you can understand yourself better. Just a suggestion. Take what you need, if anything, and leave the rest. Good luck in stepping out of your comfort zone. And it's perfectly ok if that is not an option right now. Maybe just something you can give some thought to.

 

[Sadielady3]

@ladee , Fair enough. I do know how to ask for help. I struggle with actually doing it. I do this at work a lot too. Sometimes it's a simple question and I just can't ask it because I feel like it might show how dumb I really am or that I'm bothering the person by adding to their plate. I have trouble existing in other people's spaces. I don't feel like I am an addition for people, only a subtraction, a burden. I try really hard to be as self-sufficient as possible. My husband is a computer wiz and I have trouble asking him for help when I need it with my computer. It's just really hard for me to open my mouth and ask.