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Some really good thoughts here. The thought that I had that's similar to yours when I was a young adult was why did I betray myself? I would constantly berate myself for having chosen my dad over myself. When I was 3, he told me I was chewing my food ungratefully, so he told me to turn around...

That's great that you have closure, @Pippi427 . It may still take time to process, but at least he apologized. As for what I meant, I had drank a glass of wine before writing that, so my thoughts were a little disjointed. Haha. Just time to heal, I guess.

My therapist thinks that I should be watchful of the red flags - the anger, the gaps in communication. But she too thought that him bringing it up and talking about the incident with his child seemed like a good sign. I'm noticing that I do get this sense of dread sometimes when I'm getting to...

Thanks for that clarification, @Friday. I'm still confused about whether I'm sensing a real red flag or if I'm projecting. I think you and @Sietz make a good point that he's talking about what happened, so he clearly isn't avoiding it. He's also talked about them in really fatherly ways.

@Pippi427 have you been in many relationships before? I've had a few experiences with "players" and learned A LOT about myself and them. I think it's very useful to learn from these experiences and it made me stronger. The lesson I learned most was that these men come from the point of...

Hi @Abstract, you express my struggle in terms of how much am I reading into things based on my own "distorted" lens or how much I am totally right to be alerted. It questions to what extent I am seeing "objective" facts or subjective distortions. To be honest with you, I'm more aware of red...

Thanks @Justmehere. That's exactly what I want to get comfortable with. I've always approached these things as though I needed a reason to say 'no'. But why am I giving the other the right to ask things of me, but not giving myself the right to ignore or decline?

Thanks for all of your replies. I'm getting a lot of food for thought. I understand why people think it could be rash to consider walking away just after 4 dates, but like Eve said, I'd rather not make any more emotional investment in this man than I have to. I want to reserve my emotional...

Just sorry. You spent all of that time and energy trying to figure out what happened, and then this. That is so freakin' hurtful.

I actually don't feel uncomfortable around him and do not get any bad intuition about him. I also want a partner, and he seems in many ways like he would be a good one. It would be hard for me to walk away, and want to make sure I've thought about it sufficiently. Do I walk away after the one...

I've went out about 4 times with a man. We both are interested in each other and he expressed maybe taking it to the next level. He seems nice, but I have only one concern that I'd like feedback about. His father wasn't around at all in his childhood. When you ask him about it, he says that he...

Thanks @Mytime . I'm happier already just thinking about how I don't HAVE TO do anything I don't want to. It's not that I would stop being a good neighbor, but my negative reaction to her recent request probably is informed by a lot of different factors (my background, her behaviors in the past...

I think Body Keeps the Score by van der Kolk gives a lot of information about the effects of complex ptsd. He gives almost too much info and is a bit academic,but I like thorough and tend to intellectualize things. I really like Heller's Healing Developmental Trauma. It does go by a "model", but...

Hi @MamaHopeful . I forget if it was in Heller's book on developmental trauma or van der Kolk's book, but I remember reading that a big thing with ptsd is that we become avoidant of becoming triggered. It's not the thing we fear so much as the fear itself that causes us to panic. I don't know...

I think this is true:

The thing that gets me to do things for her is my background, but also the fact that she sees it as perfectly normal, so I kind of go along. I think that in her mind, she's being perfectly respectful and fine. But when I think of it, I remember things she's said that sound exploitive. For...

This is a perfect reply: This feedback is so helpful in making me see how the echo chamber inside my head is still so determined by my childhood. It's getting through my thick fog that actually, I don't even need a reason for declining to help someone. That actually no one is entitled to my...

Hmm. So it's clear he's been thinking about you. It's hard to know what his intention is. Make sure that you take care of you and your needs whatever he chooses to do.

Social media is totally off limits for us. We unfriended each other on facebook, and I DO NOT want to see pictures of what he's doing. Stay strong. Know where you stand whether he finally does communicate with you or not.

Thanks for the advice, all. I got the affirmation that I was looking for. I think I was raised without getting enough permission to assert my own needs, so I'm not always sure if and when I can. I think the answer is why should I put other people's needs before my own? It's my life and I can...

I feel like this is a minor problem compared to the others, but I really wanted some feedback. I feel like I have codependent tendencies, and have posted about them here. I think that makes me unable to know and enforce my boundaries. I did something recently that I felt was maybe progress, but...

That's progress! I do think time helps. I want to reiterate again that your ex might be very disappointing if you see him at the book party, and he may even act apathetic which is the worst of all.

Hi @Pippi427, I wanted to mention that I heard from my ex. He moved out at the end of August, and we both agreed not to contact each other for a month or two, so it's way different from your situation. But he emailed me recently, and he clearly wanted to connect in some way, but given that he's...

I can totally relate. I'm better about this now, though I still see the glow in others that I don't think I have. For me it helped to fully embrace that side of me that felt dirty and bring her into the light of day and cherish her. It took a long time and took a lot of reading, reflection, and...

I think I understand what you're saying @Abstract - my perceptions of threat are almost always of an interpersonal nature versus a physical one. Discerning real and perceived threats is a hard one for me too because I used to always be on the look out for threats, and saw them when they probably...