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Welcome :)

I think it's not so much wallowing but grieving your childhood. If it's not interfering with your functioning I would allow yourself to grieve. Personally I think with this type of thing fighting it just makes it last longer.

If you are going down the path of managing your own recovery there are many books etc that might help. And of course we are all here.

I want to be my Anp and think if it wasn't for the trauma I would be my Anp. I don't like my Ep, that's the part of me that feels emotional pain. After reading all the comments, maybe the real me is both the Anp and Ep intergrated. I wonder if I will see that intergration in my lifetime.

Welcome :)

I obviously don't know you, but from your post you are not ready to have children. There are lots of ways to fulfill the need to feel like you have a family that don't require you have children. Other than that, I'm not sure what questions you are asking.

This does not seem to be a good therapist for you as she seems to not be validating you. But...Given your options on who to see are limited (due to money) do you get anything of value from her. Are you learning useful skills?

Have you read the PTSD cup explain action, it's on the home page. Personally I'm working on both, but the trauma stuff will take longer for me to manage than the daily stressors, so I do put a lot of effort into managing the daily stressors. Have you considered medication. It's not for...

I've done similar in that I've gone through phases of reading (almost compulsively) about Csa and its effects. I've recognized now that sounds want information to do this is a warning that my mood/coping is dropping. From your post I think the issue is mostly around the impact to your sleep...

Welcome :) You don't need to be diagnosed to be welcome here. I hope you find the support you are looking for.

I presume your friend knows you were raped. Given that she stayed so long and tried to help, I expect that she genuinely is non judge mental about what happened. I expect you had a flashback which involved physical symptoms (feelings) with it and your response makes sense in light of this. I...

She has likely always been pushy, and you likely have typically backed down. When creating a new dynamic between friends (eg, you holding your ground) you will likely need to gently hold it, but firmly and for a long time. Change takes time, even for normals :)

I'm not encouraging you to "do" anything, as this is a time to be really slow and gentle. But, I wanted to write that I have also felt this and what help shift it was discovering "why" I didn't want to engage. For me it was because I was embarrassed or ashamed or something similar because I...

You've come to the right place, welcome :)

I read in a comedy book once about a mother who treaded difficult work colleagues with the same approach she used on her toddler. While this was meant as entertaining reading, I think it has some relevance and might help you think of some alternative options when he's grumpy. Some toddlers...

I personally find a task tracker more useful than a time/structure approach to help me get things done, but that's just me.

Can I ask why you want to add structure to your life. It's something society expects but it really is meaningless. Is there an outcome you want that you think structure will provide. If so I would try to think more about ways to achieve the outcome, rather than ways to implement one possible...

Change isn't something that is instantaneous. Change takes time and is often uncomfortable. You've taken a fantastic step forward.

How about even softer, more positive language. Eg It feels like a few people hope I can stop a ritual overnight. I am working towards stoping this ritual and I look forward to it being gone from my life. I don't know much about self harm, but it sounds like that is the basis of your ritual...

Thanks so much for this thread! My vision is really bad/odd currently I didn't think to tie it to my more recent trauma.

Yes, this exactly. Also I think with childhood trauma there is no "before", I've always been this way. If I keep my world small enough (to limit triggers and stressors) then I'm usually okay. To someone else this lifestyle would seem really limiting, but to me it's normal, and not a cause for...

I read my paperwork and apparently I was diagnosed with PTSD a while ago. It feels strange. Last night I didn't believe they had done enough to confirm that diagnosis.

It is great progress. As to what to do next. In my humble opinion, first you take care of yourself as you digest this new information. Now is the time to use all your self soothing strategies to help you move through acceptance of this new information.

In my humble opinion shifting the blame i.e. "Peadophile" is a great first step and the "I'm bad" is too vague and too general to start with first. Your physce knew where it needed to go.

Stockholm syndrome is where a captee bonds with their captor. My abuse wasn't from my parents but I can imagine that a child would bond and love an abuse parent. I "loved" my abuser, that's what he wanted. But ... He was a peadophile A huge step forward with your thoughts here. Just remember...