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That even though I'm physically ill I've been really functional and managed to get my son everywhere he needed to be... grateful for that opportunity

I found solacein animals growing up.. my dad had a dog and sadly he used to get hit and kicked regularly...I felt when we looked into each other's eyes there was an implicit understanding about being in a shit situation and having no control over that... I felt love from him and I think he did...

Spicy 🌶! Funk or pop music

Oooh that's really tricky.... I think baked but it's pretty much equal for me...I love potatoes!! Dark chocolate or milk chocolate? 🍫

Levis!! Starters or desserts?

I get my body up for a bit, like 20 minutes... make a warm tea or have a bowl of cereal or something...I think breaking away from the monotony of not being able to sleep helps as well as having something in my stomach.. seems to make me more sleepy.... sometimes it doesn't work, but often it...

Yes it was sexual assault and I'm sorry this happened to you... You're not a disgusting person... what you're feeling is displaced shame- it's your dad's guilt and shame and not yours. Also your mums. You deserve better. Please get help now like @Friday days, whilst you have it... in form...

This is so so on point. Thank you for consolidating very important info so precisely ...

Could you have this exact convo with your T? People often point out to me that the blocks we have with our Ts are in fact part of the work we should try to be addressing in the therapy room... Could you have this convo to see what response you get?

I had a bit of an epiphany yesterday about why this whole email exchange (at the point T sent his defensive and OTT email) was possibly so triggering for me... During part of my abuse history, one theme which popped up in therapy is how one of the people who abused me developed a trusting...

This is something I need to be able to do more... I've noticed over the years people in my real life world are able to give each other compliments to each other much more easily than what I can... I can't do it with myself so it's probably why I find it hard to do with others.. it's a practice I...

Firstly @ninja thank you for saying this... it means alot because with this thread in particular I've really laid myself bare and have felt pretty vulnerable... people do read into what's communicated on this forum in different ways and I know there's always a risk of being further...

I'm sorry you're feeling lost and in shock about all of this... it sounds like you've got alot going on in your head and body about these memories, trying to make sense of them, trying to navigate how you think and what others will feel about it all... I think follow your gut... You've...

Thank you for both of your posts @Tinyflame .. they have been very useful, especially where you share your own experience and what you've learned from it... Yes exactly this. It was the changing of the goal posts, telling me the rule is one thing, then saying it's another, then him getting...

Thank you for this @Tinyflame ..I welcome everyone's perspectives (as long as they are respectful, which you have been)... Thank you for this fresh perspective... it's not something I've considered and actually, making the whole picture much bigger ithan the interaction between me and him is...

Thanks @Movingforward10 and @Rose White ... Yes it's definitely a backlash... I'm beginning to see these for what they are although the experiencing of them is still just as strong and the knowledge that it is one doesn't seem to help in the moment..I like to think they are lasting much...

Thank you @Movingforward10 @No More and @scout86 ...I really appreciate your input and thoughts... it's very helpful... I will get back in more detail later as there are some great points i hadn't considered (so useful asking for opinions)... the main feeling atm for me from all of this is...

I feel reassured by the email. He's showing compassion towards me and transparency about where he stands. I can see he cares and I appreciate the time he's taken to explain his perspective. It's a far cry from his first emails in tone. And this latest email has helped alot. I hope that my email...

Latest email from T ... I'll paste it here then comment in the next post... "Sorry for the delay in responding. I'm really sorry to hear you've been overwhelmed and I agree that email is extremely ineffective at communicating such nuance. It's not really a safe space for a few reasons. If you...

This is a very interesting thread! I wish I had more time to address all the incredible points made by you and everyone... I just wanted to say that I really get the whole barrier to exercise because of it feeling dangerous.... I've had fantasies over the years of how I'm going to over come...

It makes alot of sense and I think there will likely be lots of people here who understand what you've described... it's not weird... This feels like a very heavy set of chains around you @Ecdysis ... I'm sorry you're in this position and I know a little bit of what this feels like... To me...

These are wise words! Read them a few times! Good luck and keep going... go and get support to help work through all of this ...

@Ecdysis the amount of incredibly useful, poignant, interesting, helpful information you're sharing here is quite something.... I feel like I don't have enough time to digest everything you're putting down because you're hitting on such important material (for my story)... I'm very grateful...

Hi @Boston, reading your post got me quite frustrated on your behalf.... You shouldn't ever feel like you're going crazy as a result of a therapist's way of working with you.. you have a strong gut feeling with what is right and what's not, so stick with that... Even if there were something...

Other news is i finally got the courage to write back to T. Told him I'd been struggling which is why I hadn't answered so long, not because (as he wrote) it was my way of ending the relationship. Told him I thought it best to have a session to work through the issues. Told him I was scared...